We're getting deep here

Disclaimer: I’m going to be honest here, because, you know what? This is my blog, my little piece of the interwebs, and if I can’t be honest here, then what’s the point?

Here's the thing, there are certain topics I very rarely ever blog about, because I know they can open the door to some strong feelings, and since this blog is my "safe place", I like to keep it peaceful. But, looking at it from another perspective, this is my safe place, so I can and should be able to talk about whatever it is that matters to me. And this...matters to me.

What is this I speak of? Well, we're getting into the deep waters of some amazing things that have happened in my life recently.

Most of these things you all already know about, I lost my job, switched careers completely, have re-connected with some old friends, and built some strong foundations with new ones. But the biggest change I’ve only alluded to in passing, and the thing is? It deserves more than just a passing reference.

So here it is.

I know I’ve mentioned before that I consider myself to be an extremely spiritual person, but that it pretty much stopped there, because I was very conflicted when it came to an actual “organized” religion. The reality is that in general I tend to have issues with most “conventional” things in society, because I always land square outside of that line of “normal”. So, it should come as no surprise that I would have my disagreements with religion.

That has not necessarily changed.

I’m a single woman in my 30’s, strong, independent, and confident in my status. I am a feminist. Not in the sense of the word that brings up thoughts of man hating and bra burning (trust me, nobody, but nobody wants to see me leave my house without a bra on); but in the “a woman has as much right as a man to: fill-in-the-blank” sense. I am a liberal for the most part, with very few conservative beliefs. I believe very strongly in the value of family, but also believe that conventional family values are outdated and traditional families are now few and far between, therefore I have no issue with loving families that don’t fit the “mold”. I support a woman’s right to have a right to choose…whether or not I agree with her choice making it none of my business. I also believe a lot of other things that may not entirely mesh with what everyone expects from someone who is about to say the following four words: I am a Christian.

Now, I’ll tell you what, it has taken me a long time to be able to say those words and not flinch. For whatever reason, we are conditioned to be proud to speak out about all the things we are and are not, except when it comes to our faith. On that topic, we know to be silent. Especially if we are Christian, and even more so if we happen to be “gasp” Catholic. And the truth is that until recently, I wasn’t particularly comfortable with my own faith to “own up” to it.

I knew what I believed, and that was simply good enough for me.

So what changed? Well…everything…and… nothing. It was a chain of events, kicked off by Candid Brother attending a retreat and finding his own way with faith, and then pushed along by my uncle, the “Spiritual Director”, inviting me to participate in a class of sorts, and fortified by the renewal of friendships, and the making of new friends, whose faith and love opened my eyes and heart to something I didn’t even really know I was missing. Then I volunteered to help out on a youth retreat, which spurred the youth outreach program my friends and I have taken charge of, and well…it all took on a life of its own.

The thing is, in terms of my feelings about organized religion, not too much has changed. I still have my issues, my doubts, my inability to just blindly accept. But the change that took place is this…I realized that just because I don’t believe in organized religion, that does not mean I don’t believe in the basic principles of the religion. My method of prayer for years has been at best abstract, at worst confused. I knew I believed in something, but because I was constantly battling within myself about how I disagreed with the man-made rules of the church and the outdated dictates and screwed up politics within the “organization”, I couldn’t allow myself to be specific about what it was that I believed in.

Thanks to a combination of things, including my incredible new friend The Disciple, in the last several months I’ve been able to take a step back from all those internal arguments and just be. When I stopped letting my brain do all my talking, thinking, rationalizing for me, I realized something huge. I have really strong beliefs, and they needed to be tended to.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing. By simply just being, I’ve had the most amazing year. Everything has changed.

I’ve changed. I’m so much more at peace with myself, with everything around me. I’m also a lot more emotional, but I think that is because I see things so much more clearly now, that sometimes the emotional impact blows me away. When I was laid off from my job, instead of completely freaking out and falling into a deep depression (as I think many suspected would have happened to me), I simply took a breath and said “It’ll work out, I’m putting it in God’s hands”. And then I landed this amazing job, which has changed everything else in my life in such a positive way.

My friendships have changed, I’ve reconnected with some amazing folks from my past, and because of how at peace I am, I’ve strengthened my existing friendships, and even made new amazing friends. There has been one friendship that hasn’t fared as well, but I still have hopes of turning that one around. My constant positive state doesn’t seem to be sitting too well with a friend who is constantly negative recently, but hopefully we can get past it and come out all the better for it.

My priorities have changed. Volunteering with the teens has taken up just about all my free time this summer, I’m constantly exhausted, and don’t seem to have a whole lot of “me” time. I haven’t even gone shopping all that much lately (gasp). But you know what? I’m ridiculously happy. I love these kids, and spending time with them makes me feel younger and more energized. And they are such fantastic kids that they are giving me hope for this messed up world we live in. If the world is in their hands, then I know it’ll be okay. And this group has also given me an opportunity to re-connect with Lil’ K, which has been an amazing blessing, because due to her age, we were beginning to drift apart a little bit.

And my relationship with God has changed. This one is hard to put into words, but the best way I can describe it is this…for years God has been that elusive, unexplainable force, that I knew I believed in, but didn’t quite understand, and didn’t really have the guts to dig deep enough to try. Now…now he’s everything, the center of my everything. But with this refreshing realization that I don’t need to stop being the person I am for this relationship to be what it is. I can still obsess about shoes, enjoy chocolate martinis, and gossip with my girlfriends about how HOT Donnie Wahlberg is. (Yes he is, shut up). I don’t need to wear a high necked shirts, or stop swearing when I’m angry (not that I'm saying I should be doing it anyway). I don’t need to be “perfect” or “boring” to carry his message, and to believe it with all my heart.

What I’ve loved the most is that this group of misfits I call my friends all come in all shapes in sizes. We come with piercings, tattoos, emotional baggage and moments of road rage. We come with partying hard, drinking too much (definitely not talking about my old self here), not always going to church on Sunday. But WE COME. We show up and we believe.

Knowing that I can still be me, has also made it so much easier to not be ashamed to be honest about my faith. From wearing a t-shirt that has a religious message (yet oh so witty we are in our message), to openly having a conversation with Friendly (who is part of my group of friends) at work, about our activities, I no longer whisper my faith. I’m not shoving it down anyone’s throats…I know how long it took me to get to this point, and I know had anyone tried to force feed me, I would have run in the opposite direction. But I am just not hiding it either.

And then there’s this post. I think it takes an incredible amount of courage to be this open about faith in a public forum. I’m risking a lot. But I didn’t really have a choice…this post has been battling its way onto the page for months now. Just screaming to be let out. And after all, the name of this blog is Candid Karina. I’m being Candid. And I have faith that you’ll be okay with that.

Welcome to The Office

Next Tuesday will be one month that I've been at my new job. Can you believe it? One month already and I've told you NOTHING about my new job! Can you ever forgive me?

I'll make it up to you by telling you a little bit today.

Let's see...In the interest of privacy and confidentiality issues, I'm going to keep things pretty vague, but at the same time, since work takes up a large portion of my days, and I'm sure will be fodder for many tales, I should tell you a little something, right?

For starters, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that taking this job meant a complete career change for me. I've been a paralegal for eleven years now, and even though I liked my last job at The Firm, I was ready to leave the legal field behind. It was always supposed to be a temporary stop on the way to something else...but then, that's how it goes, right?

I now work in the financial field, as the executive assistant to the President and CEO of a fairly large local financial institution, to be known simply as "The Office" from now on.

The office itself is located in the downtown area of my hometown, and I absolutely love working in this neighborhood. My own personal office has these fantastic large windows that face out onto a busy downtown street. All day long I can look out and watch all the activity going on outside. Which included the old guy who suns himself out on the roof of his building, directly across the street from my windows. Yeah, if only he was a bit more eye candy, and a little less...um...raisin in the sun.

During lunch, I get to take nice walks, and if I choose to, eat at any of the many restaurants and cafes, many with outdoor seating, while I catch up with friends, or a good book. AH, the life!

Also, it takes me about 10 to 15 minutes to commute to and from work. This is a vast improvement over my last job, and I've only had to fill my tank twice so far since I started this job, and that's mostly because I drive all over creation on weekends.

Equally as fantastic is the fact that I now leave work at 4:30 p.m. daily, which is a full hour earlier than my official quitting time at The Firm was. But the difference here is that at The Firm, if I ever left before 6:00 p.m., I thought I was getting off easy. Here...4:31 and the place is a ghost town. 4:45 and I am HOME ensconced on my couch, or even better, lately, in mom's pool.

As time goes on, I'll introduce you to the cast of characters here at The Office, but for now, I'll just tell you about my boss, the CEO. He is a portly, jolly Italian guy...sort of a cross between Santa Claus and The Godfather. I know, I know, that's quite the image, ain't it?

But he is honestly just a good guy, and we are getting along great. He very much has an "open door policy" method of management, and everyone is really comfortable with just dropping by with questions, or just to say hello. He's also the type of boss that says "please", "thank you" and the all important "good job". Besides that, he's a fun guy, walking around the hallways singing (and he can actually carry a tune), adopting the Godfather voice when it fits, and taking a genuine interest in his employees personal as well as professional lives. He's created a really convivial, yet professional atmosphere here, and I really think we'll get along FABULOUSLY. FYI, from now on, he will be known here as "The Don".

I should also quickly introduce you to "Friendly" because you'll be hearing a lot about him. Friendly is the person who told me about this job. He works in the human resources department, and got me the interview when he found out I was looking for a job while we were working one of our "food for the poor" events. Let me tell you, the moniker "friendly" suits him to a T. Everyone loves him. He's a young kid (in his early 20's), and always willing to lend a helping hand, both here at work, and with our church. We get along great, and I'm glad I work with him. It's a good thing we get along, because we'll be spending a lot of time together this summer, not just at work, but with the new youth outreach program we've started at our church. (I'll have to fill you all in on that at a later date).

Plenty of other characters for you to meet in the coming months, especially as I get to know them all better, but I'm happy to say that I have yet to locate a "Nazi" type here, and if there is such a thing as a "Whisper Wednesday", I'll never know it, because I'm privy to, and even keeper of, all secrets in my position, so no whispering around me. NICE!

And the work itself? Well, it ain't brain surgery, but it's actually pretty interesting stuff. I've already had the opportunity to participate in events and things that are completely different from anything I'm used to, and I'm getting to meet all sorts of people. There is the typical "administrative" stuff, but then there's the more involved stuff as well. And The Don is trusting me with some pretty cool creative work as well, already, so it can only get more fun from here on out. And the stress level? NON-EXISTENT, which is SUCH a nice change from the legal field.

The only drawback I can think of? No "personal use" Internet access during the day folks. I mean, I can pop on for the occasional search for information or what not, but I will NOT be blogging at work here. I've not even attempted it, but would probably come across a fire wall if I even tried. Still, we're supposed to work at work, right? So, all things considered, I can't really complain about that.

To sum it up? So far so good, I'm liking it. I'm a very lucky girl that things turned out the way they did.