All The Boys - Chasing the White Rabbit

It happened again. Not for the first time in my life, I’ve been faced with one of those moments when I feel that I’m just a little late.

Or perhaps, a lot late, as the case may be.

Either way, once again, my timing is off.

And I could sit here and tell you that I know, in my heart, that it isn’t about my timing anyway, God’s timing has its own pace, and it’s not mine to question.

I could sit here and tell you that in my brain, I know this, and I know that my time too, will come.

But at this moment, I feel like I’m chasing the white rabbit down the hole screaming once again, “I’m late, I’m late, for a very important…non-date”.

See, the thing is, I keep meeting the perfect guy for me. Or so I think. And then that annoying, and grammatically incorrect Alanis Morrisette song starts playing in my head…

“It’s like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife”…Isn’t it Ironic?

No, it’s not ironic, in fact, it’s just plain cruel.

This vicious cycle of meeting “the one” only to realize he is someone else’s “one” started so long ago, I’m beginning to believe the universe hates me.

Shall we visit a few of the exhibits?

Exhibit A: and perhaps the most heartwrenching of all: The Soulmate (go on an click if you want the FULL story). To this day, I portend he was “the one”. I loved him with all I had. He too, loved me. But prior to meeting me, he’d given his heart and soul to another, and when she ripped it to shreds, he swore never to get married again. So, when I came along, fantastic as our relationship was, it stagnated. There was no moving forward with a man still stuck in the past…I was too late.

Exhibit B: A few years later, I received a visit from a male friend who had moved half way across the country many years before. We had been friends for nearly a decade, and never once had I thought of him as anything more, though I realized by then that he, perhaps, had at one point or another hoped I would. Either way, that day, as he sat in my living room, and we chatted amiably, it hit me. YES, there it is, it’s him. He’s the one. How had I not seen it before? But now I knew…now I could tell him. Almost instantly, as soon as I realized this, he turned to me and said “I have something to tell you”. Heart beats faster as I listen in anticipation… “I’m getting married” he says. Once again…I was too late.

Exhibit C: A few years ago I took a trip to meet up with a friend in Savannah. My flight down was a nightmare, started off by a mechanical issue on the plane, which would undoubtedly have made me miss my connecting flight. Along with 3 other passengers I was pulled off the flight and sent running to another airline, to board a different flight. One of these passengers was a man. A man I almost instantly clicked with. We chatted amiably as we waited for confirmation on this new flight, and in the process I discovered he was married. Moving on, I rushed to catch the flight, while he stayed behind to work out his own flight details, missing that flight. I chalked it up to just an unimportant meeting, until 2 days later, in Savannah, I ran into him on the street one night, just walking around. Again we chatted for a bit, and the chemistry between us was obvious, electric, cruel. He invited my friend and I to join him and his friend for a drink, but thinking of his wife, I declined and moved on. Annoyed with the universe…again, too late.

Exhibit D: More recently, there have been a myriad of friendships with men that have appeared in my life. All wonderful men. All men with whom there is chemistry, and friendship and…nothing more. Because each of these men, as it turns out, has already found a wife, a girlfriend, a partner. As a friend, I am happy to realize they are not for me. In fact, some of these wives, girlfriends, etc. are friends of mine as well, and as a true friend, I am glad, because I wish nothing less for my friends than what I would expect for myself. Therefore, if I feel these men contain some of the qualities I would want for myself, I can’t help but be thrilled my friends have found them. And the truth is, these guys really aren't "the one" for me, not at all...Still…I can’t help but think…if only…too late…

There are more such examples…so many, in fact, that I almost laugh now at the ridiculousness of the joke. Because it has to be a joke. Why the Universe would choose to place these men in my life, sometimes in the most unbelievable of circumstances, only to then just as quickly yank them out…can only be a cruel joke.

And again this weekend, it happened.

Attending a church event, I saw a man. A man I’d seen before, in a completely unrelated environment, with nothing but “faith” to connect the two events. No friends in common, no towns in common, really, nothing to connect the two events, but God.

I will not lie that for a moment (or several moments) I allowed my mind to get carried away, thinking “I wasn’t even sure I’d be attending this event today, and yet, here I am, and here he is…what are the odds? Could this be one of those ‘signs’ I’m learning to notice more of?”

The excitement of promise bubbled in me. Until, suddenly, I noticed his wedding band.

Go on, laugh with me…because really…what else is there to do?

All The Boys - Runaway

Well folks…I figured I owed you an update on little runner boy here at the good ol’ blog…so here goes.

Are you ready for this?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

…

Yeah…sorry, I’ve got nothing.

No, I mean, it, nothing.

The latest news was good. I was biding my time, and waiting to see how it would turn out, but it was looking good.

He was calling and texting, and we were attempting to make plans. Our schedules weren’t meshing, but the attempts were there on both sides, and the interest seemed mutual.

Then on Sunday 2 weeks ago, we chatted in the morning and discussed the Celtics game which was later that evening. He asked if I’d be watching, I said yes, he said he would too, and that I should call him.

I’m not a mind reader, but he made it sound like perhaps we could watch the game together. That was the impression I got, and the few friends I shared with felt the same way.

So, that evening when I came home, I called him before the game.

I got his voice mail.

I left a message for him to call me back.

And…

That was two weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him since.

Yep, dating sure is fun. (ahem, sarcasm)

Back to the drawing board we go then…

When Boys Had Cooties

There was a time, somewhere in my early childhood, when I thought all boys had cooties.

Or so I'm led to believe.

Because, there's a time in every little girl's life when boys have cooties, right?

Except, the thing is...I don't remember that time.

No, to be quite honest with you, I just remember ALWAYS liking boys.

I liked to chase them around, play tag and hide and seek, climb trees and ride bikes with them.

Maybe it was because I was a bit of a tomboy, but boys didn't really have cooties, they were just FUN to be with.

Then I got girlie. But even then, I liked boys. Of course, by then, I liked boys because they were cute, and silly, and they made me giggle and blush.

So, I'd like to tell you that I miss a time when I thought all boys had cooties...but, I don't remember there ever being such a time.

Which is too bad, because then I'd have a point of reference for going back to when now, as a full grown adult, heading back into the dating world in my "gulp" thirties...I really wish I could just say "boys are dumb and they have cooties" and go play barbies with the girls.

I won't bore you with the latest details of my "non-dates" with Runner Boy, because well...there isn't much to tell.

But, the truth is, all this back and forth is exciting, and exhausting, it's nerve racking and giggle inducing...dating is...FUN. And...so ANNOYING.

It would just be so much easier if boys really did have cooties.

All The Boys - Run That By Me Again?

A few weeks ago I told you about my potential “Running date”.

I’ve been asked for an update on how it all turned out, and well, my dear readers, ask and ye shall receive…

Unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot to report, but what there is to report, is good.

The “date”:

We met up on a Saturday afternoon, and greeted each other like old friends, hugs and all.

It had been 17 years since we’d last seen each other, but we picked up in conversation as if no time had passed, easy, comfortable, normal.

Our run was about an hour long, during which we covered the span of our lives in the last nearly two decades. After our run, we sat and chatted for another hour, discussing everything else under the sun.

I learned, in those two hours, that he still is the same nice guy I remembered him being back then. I learned that we have a lot in common, and a lot of the same interests in life. I learned he’s been married, and divorced, but has no kids. He is also mature, has a level head on his shoulders, and appears to be mostly “undamaged” by his past relationships. If you’ve read any of my other “All The Boys” posts, you know this is major to me, because I tend to date all the “damaged” boys.

There were moments when he’d say something and I would think to myself “wow, guys like you still exist?” Refreshing.

We talked about running together again, or more specifically, he told me that if I was running again the following Saturday, to let him know and he would definitely join me. We also talked about working out together in the winter in the gym, once the weather got too cold out for running. Once again, he suggested we do so. Plans for the future…bonus, right?

It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon, and I walked away with tentative plans for a run the following Saturday and a smile on my face.

I also walked away completely unsure if this was something with romantic potential or just “old friends catching up” and a new workout buddy.

Such as it is, in all honesty, I walked away with a crush. But I also walked away content in the knowledge that I’d reconnected with a great old friend, and would be perfectly happy if it went the way of “just a new work out buddy”. Truthfully.

This past Saturday was to be our follow up date, and we did, in fact, make plans to go run together again in the afternoon. However, about an hour before our run, he called and bailed on me.

He had a legitimate enough reason, and didn’t want me to miss my run because he was running late and unsure if he’d make it at all. Told me to go on without him, and if he could make it on time, he’d let me know. If not, he suggested perhaps running together the following day. I let him know the following day would probably not work for me, I had plans, but okay, to let me know about that afternoon or maybe we could go in the morning on Sunday.

He didn’t make it. I went running solo anyway, and had a great run.

Although disappointed, I was relieved as well, because now, officially, the ball was in his court. If he is interested, he’ll have to follow up. The stress if off me.

I figured perhaps I’d hear from him on Sunday, perhaps I’d hear from him this week, perhaps I’d never hear from him again, perhaps I’d hear from him next month. Who knew?

I’m not one to spend too much time stressing over guys, so I decided to just let it unfold however it would, and go on with my life as I have been.

He texted me Saturday night, asked me how my run was.

This was unexpected, and made me slightly giddy. Because a guy looking for “just a new workout buddy” wouldn’t text me at 11:30 on a Saturday night.

It was a short conversation, and as of right now, we still don’t have other plans, but the ball is still officially in his court, and I’m not stressing about it.

And also, I think he likes me.

Just sayin'. ;-)

All The Boys - Run Karina Run

Oh, God has the greatest sense of humor. Can you hear Him laughing from where you sit? Because I can. He’s having a jolly old time right about now, laughing at (okay, with) me.

Let me explain.

When I was in high school, I was not athletic. At all. In fact, the last time I did any sort of sports activity was when I ran track in the 4^th grade. Then puberty hit, and I was all set with sweating. I became a girlie girl. Sports were not for me. By the time high school came around, I was one of those girls in gym class who would walk laps around the gym in order to not have to participate in the volleyball game.

And running? Up until about a year ago I used to say that “I’ll run if someone is chasing me”.

I was not a jock.

Recently, as in, within the last year, I've started running. I love it, I'm addicted, but I'm still pretty much a newbie.

You need to know this, because it'll come into play later.

The other thing you need to know, if you are just tuning in is that I don't date much (ahem, at all), and haven't for a really long time. My last date was quite a while ago, and the date before that date? I don't remember.

Initially this not dating thing was a choice, a decision to work on myself, to take some time for me. And then...well, life, and being in my 30's and living in the suburbs, and not really meeting anyone outside my "circle" (and we won't discuss the disaster that dating INSIDE my circle turned into...nope, we won't).

So, yeah, I don't really date. I've wanted to get back out on the dating scene for a while now, but the pickin's? They are slim.

So, anyway, those are the things you need to know.

And now, begins the comedy portion of this post:

In high school, I met this boy. Let's call him Pretty Boy. Pretty Boy was a sweet kid and we had a “thing”. As far as high school things go, this was of the most innocent and secretive kind. He was friends with another boy I had an on again/off again thing with, and he was a little shy, so, we hung out, but it never really amounted to much of anything.

If I remember correctly, and my memories of high school are hazy, mostly because I’ve blocked a lot of that time in my life out of my memory completely, we discovered our mutual attraction far too close to graduation to really pursue it.

I never saw him again after graduation, and to be honest, I don’t think I ever thought of him again. I pretty much forgot he existed, and I’ll venture to say it was a mutual thing.

Then about a year ago, FaceBook suggested him as a friend. Surprised to recognize both his name and his face, I sent him a message asking if he remembered me. It took him so long to reply that I once again forgot he existed. When he did reply, he apologized for the late response, explaining he was never on FB, but said of course he remembered me. I’d like to tell you that at that point a conversation ensued, but…I believe I responded to that message, but never heard from him again.

As he’d said, he’s never really on FB, and, in all honesty, I once again forgot all about him.

Until this week.

Because this week, after I went running one day, and posted a status with my run stats, I heard from him.

He said “Wow, I’m proud of you, that’s a great run time, I can’t do that well just yet”. Something along those lines.

Randomly.

Out of nowhere.

Unexpected.

And, something inside me said “hmmmmm”.

So, without allowing myself time to hesitate, second guess, and chicken out, I replied to his comment, saying we should go running sometime, I’d love to catch up.

I put it out there, and I walked away.

And later that day I had a private message from him saying he’d love to go running, perhaps this weekend, giving me his number to call him.

I wrote him back, saying this weekend was good, telling him I’d call him “later this week”.

Today is later this week.

I just called him.

The conversation was short, because he was at work, but it was comfortable, easy, fun. We caught up a bit, talked about work, and then he asked "So when do you want to go running?"

We decided on Saturday afternoon.

He said he's really looking forward to catching up.

I said "This should be a lot of fun".

He had to get back to work, we hung up.

I’m out of practice with this dating thing.

I'm a little bit nervous.

I'm a lot bit excited.

I’m well aware this could be non-romantic in all aspects, I’m not pinning a whole lot of hopes on this.

I’m also aware that this has potential. I’m a little “teenage girl” giddy.

Also…God is laughing. Because I? Am going RUNNING on a potential date?

Running?

With a guy.

A guy I haven’t seen in 17 years.

Running.

Yep, God has a wicked sense of humor.

Thank God for that.

Why I Cried When Corey Haim Died

In case you missed it, Corey Haim died on March 10 this year. I never had a chance to write this post then because I was having computer issues, and also, March 10^th also happens to be my birthday, I was a bit busy.

But, the other day I was having a Twitter conversation with a friend about Mr. Haim, and I realized I had a post to write.

See, I loved Corey Haim. He may, quite possibly have been my first celebrity crush. Yes, even before Donnie Wahlberg.

Those who’ve been reading my blog for a while, may remember a few posts on him. In fact, besides Donnie himself, Corey Haim has the honor of being the only other celebrity I’ve written multiple blog posts about (all the way back in 2005 and 2007 respectively).

If you’re curious, you can read those here, and here.

A quick perusal through those posts should tell you what an impact Corey Haim had on my adolescence.

Not only was he my first celebrity crush (oh how I remember swooning as he sang in the bathtub in the Lost Boys)

But he was also my first brush with drug addiction.

I remember being crushed and horrified when I learned of his drug problem. I remember, in my sheltered innocence, writing him a fan letter pleading with him to get help, and then, taking down all of his posters from my wall. Exchanging them for posters of other, more clean cut actors. And yes, eventually for Donnie Wahlberg and the rest of the New Kids On The Block.

For me, drug addiction was beyond my comprehension, and I couldn’t support someone who had succumbed to its allure. My heart broke for Corey, but I could no longer be a fan.

Years passed, and word of his struggles would surface now and again, and each and every time, my heart would break.

Later, as an adult, I would find this photo of him

And again, my heart would break. Where was that adorable little boy with the lisp and the crooked smile?

Then, more recently, word came of a reality show, The Two Coreys. Haim and Feldman would reunite, now that Haim had cleaned up his act, and regale their old fans with their new adventures. With this picture, hope was restored.

He was back. This time, he would make it.

And yes, I watched the show, faithfully. And it was apparent very quickly that Corey was not over his demons. As the show exploited his problems, as Feldman tried to get his friend to seek help, and his denial grew stronger…again my heart broke.

On March 10^th of this year I woke up in great spirits. It was my birthday. My 35^th birthday. I’m not one of those women who hides (or hides from) her age. I treasure each birthday as what it is, the gift of another year of life.

Checking my facebook that morning a friend posted these words: RIP Corey Haim.

My heart broke for the final time for the “Lost Boy” who never found his way.

A small piece of my childhood died on my birthday this year. I’m sorry you couldn’t find your peace on earth Corey, I truly pray you are finally at peace.

What if I told you...

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my ex, Cognac.

There, I said, I admit it.

I’m not entirely sure why he’s been residing so constantly on my mind, but there it is, he’s been ever present for the last few weeks.

I have my theories as to why he’s hanging around in my mind, but I think the gist of it is simply that I’ve realized I’m ready. Ready for what, you ask? Ready to fall in love again.

No, not with him. I’ve been there, done that. Twice.

That ship sailed, hit an iceberg and sank. Hard.

No, my thoughts on Cognac are simply about the feelings, not the man. Because for all the faults Cognac had, the love was real.

I think all these feelings have been stirring inside me for weeks now, trying to find a way to come together and make sense. For me, being the ever independent, completely content with my life style, single girl, it’s never easy to focus for too long on feelings of loneliness. Even typing out that word seems false to me. I’m rarely ever lonely. Alone yes, but lonely? That’s hard for me to accept. I revel in my alone time, the quiet, the freedom, the ability to do as I please.

If for a moment I get a tinge of loneliness, I pick up the phone, turn on the computer, and surround myself with family or the friends I’ve collected over the years as a single girl.

For I am blessed to have the most amazing family and friends a person could ever ask for.

So loneliness? Seems ridiculous that I should ever utter that word. It’s certainly not about loneliness, but there’s that quiet ache inside for something more. It’s been so quiet, for so long that I barely ever hear its cry. But now and again it does manage to get a little louder, to make itself heard. Lately has been one of those times.

I wasn’t aware of it at first, so slowly was it creeping up on me, with memories of Cognac perhaps, subtle hints, tiny pangs. And then I got the call. A friend of mine, 10 years my junior, got engaged this past weekend.

Chew on that for a minute, because I’ve had to do just that. Let it sink in. Swim around in my brain for a bit.

My immediate reaction was pure and unselfish joy. How amazingly wonderful for her. So in love, so young, so excited and deserving.

And then. A pause.

So young. So in love. How wonderful for her.

A pang.

So young. How wonderful.

And there it was. What about me? When will it be my turn?

It lasted only moments, and I put it out of my mind. After all, I love my life. Love every moment of my crazy, hectic, spontaneous, eccentric, creative, fabulous single life.

I’m also a firm believer in that old adage of “if it’s meant to be”. “It’ll happen when you least expect it”. Etc. etc. I’ve never been one to “look” for love, it’s always found me unexpectedly and in the most wonderful ways. I don’t believe in focusing all my energy finding “the one” and in the meantime missing out on life. I just live. And because of that, I have the most amazing life, the most amazing friends, experiences, memories, and plans. Life is good.

So, the momentary pang of “what about me” passed quickly enough. Or so I thought.

But I’ve found my mind refocusing on that question more than once since that call on Saturday night. And with that Cognac haunts me. Sneaking up unexpectedly. A song that reminds me of him, a word he used to say, those memories we keep. And I know it’s not about him, it’s about the feelings.

I suppose it’s time I realize that I’m ready and maybe that I want it all a little bit more than I’ve been willing to admit, even to myself.

So there you have it.

Now what?