Not Unlike a Sponge

When the world hurts, my heart breaks.

It's always been that way for me, I'm incredibly empathetic and that has served me as well as hurt me in life.

I think my sensitivity is a gift in so many ways. It makes me a caring person, always willing to reach out and help others who need it. I'm sympathetic to the plights of the world, and want to be involved, to make a difference, and that is a very good thing, isn't it?

Except, it works the opposite way too. I'm not just sympathetic to the pain in the world, I tend to SOAK it up, not unlike a sponge.

Many years ago, I decided to stop watching the news, because I couldn't make it through a newscast without tearing up. Truth is, I still can't. The state of our world breaks my heart, over and over again.

The violence, the anger, the diseases, the addictions, the misplaced passion, the ignorance, the utter lack of communication and understanding, all these things, reach deep into my soul and I have a hard time accepting that I'm just supposed to go on about my business.

But the truth is, that is all I can do. Go on about my business. My business of living life the best way I can. Helping others when I can, loving those close to me, enjoying each day to its fullest. And praying.

After all, that is all any of us can do, isn't it?

And most days, this is enough. Most days.

But not today. Not today when an entire country is suffering. When the news of the earthquake in Haiti first hit, I reacted in much the same way I do with most news. "oh, that's terrible, I'll say a prayer, or two or thirty", and then off with the news, I don't want to know, see, hear, learn any of it.

And then today the statistics, the numbers, the facts, the pictures started trickling in. I learned most of them on Twitter, where I seem to get most of my news nowadays. And again, my heart broke. Over and over and over again.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm not even entirely sure I know what to feel.

I just know going on about my business feels wrong somehow.

In one way, a tragedy such as this serves as a reminder of how important it is to live each day fully...really live. To appreciate the small blessings, to make sure your loved ones know how loved they are, to not get so hung up on the trivial things. So, in that sense, I feel going about my business is exactly what I should do.

But then, there is the guilt, how can I just keep on when so many have lost so much? How can that be okay?

So, I pray. And I write. And then I pray some more.

It's About Time, It's About Us

I wanted to write a deep, meaningful post today about the new president, about this wonderful feeling of hope in the nation and about how I’m looking forward to a fresh start.

I wanted to, but every time I started writing something I’d get halfway through it and realize that it just didn’t feel right.

Not because I wasn’t feeling what I was writing, but because I can’t really seem to find the words to express exactly what it is that I am feeling.

I suppose I’m suffering a bit of writer’s block on this particular subject. I suppose part of it is also the fact that this is not a political blog, and I tend to stay away from writing down my political thoughts here.

But then I realized that my feelings have nothing to do with politics and everything to do with faith.

And that I can write about.

Because it’s not about our outgoing president and how I feel about him and his outgoing administration. And it’s not about our new president, and what I think of his policies and goals for our nation. It’s not even about the fact that yes, I do enjoy the way the words “Our New President” sort of just roll off the tongue.

Politics aside, it’s about the emotions.

Let’s face it folks, regardless of what side of the fence you are standing on, our nation has taken a beating. Finger pointing aside, we’re a mess. Financially, we are a mess. Reputation wise, we are a disaster. And in terms of morale? Hopeless is fitting in more ways than one.

For a while now we (as a nation) have been dragging ourselves out of bed in the morning and going through the motions, but not really putting any of the effort and energy into changing our situations. We’re sort of like the disgruntled employee who bitches about how much he hates his job, but keeps showing up every day, never making a change. Or the abused wife who knows she needs to get out of this marriage, but just doesn’t have the courage to do it. We’re the alcoholic who knows he should probably stop drinking, but refuses to own up to that fact, or the debtor who knows she needs to stop shopping, but can’t put that pair of shoes back on the shelf.

So we keep going…miserable, unhappy, just making things worse for ourselves, and for all of those around us.

And then one day something happens, we hit rock bottom, or we meet someone who sparks something in us, or we have a sudden realization all on our own. But it happens, and we realize that it’s time. It is time to get off our butts and change our circumstances. We’re not sure how we’re going to do it, and we know it isn’t going to happen overnight. We know it’ll be a long hard road, and we’ll probably hit quite a few speed bumps along the way. We’ll probably have setbacks, and even fail here and there. It won’t be an overnight miracle. But we see it now, we see what we can be when we reach the other side, and we’re determined, we’ve got hope, we’ve got faith.

So we take that first step. Little as it may seem, and maybe not the same step everyone else would have taken, but it’s our step to take. So we do.

We put the wheels in motion for change. And that’s where it all begins, isn’t it?

That’s how I feel about this great nation today. It’s not about President Barack Obama (although, I do so enjoy being able to say those words this morning). It’s not about former President George W. Bush (I may enjoy saying those just a little bit more, quite possibly). It’s not about what one has or has not done or what the other one can or can’t do.

It’s about US, the citizens of the United States of America, and about the feeling of hope, newness, and fresh starts that are being awakened in many of us.

Politics will always be politics, politicians will always be politicians, and bureaucracy will always be “the machine”. But WE THE PEOPLE needed something to wake us out of our complacency and take responsibility for our own actions, for our country.

I have high hopes for the future of this nation, and it’s not because we have a new president, it’s because maybe now we can stop focusing on all the hatred and disgust we’ve been so quick to throw at the administration, and start taking some of the blame ourselves.

Put the responsibility on some of our own choices. We can’t change everything, but we can make a difference. YOU, individually, can change the world. Trust me, I see it happen every day, one single person can kick off a chain reaction of change that will change EVERYTHING.

That’s what President Obama represents to me this morning. Not about what he will do, but about what he has already done. Awakened millions to their individual potential.

Yes, we can.

A little bit more about the job loss

I want to thank each and every one of you for your kind words, offers of help, and just for generally reminding me why I love blogging. The outpouring of support and positive words I've received from all my readers has been amazing, and I find myself constantly saying "wow, there are some amazing people in this world, and I'm blessed to blog with some of the best of them". Thank you.

If you're just tuning in, I lost my job on Friday. Although the economy has sucked for a long time, and I was well aware that finances at The Firm were not doing so great, I had simply no idea how bad things truly were, and I was absolutely blindsided by the news on Friday. The shock came in waves of anger, sadness, and panic. I have been employed, non-stop, since I turned 16 years old. With the exception of the odd vacations, I have never "not worked" since that time. As much as I bitch and moan about how I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't need to work for a living, I don't know how to "not work". Unemployment has just never been an option for me, and I have always been the sort of person who, regardless of how bad a job may have been, always secured a new job before I quit another. The one time I quit a job on the spot, in the heat of a particularly nasty moment, I was working retail, and went to the mall that very same day, walked into every single retail store asking if they were hiring, and left the mall employed that very same day. I don't know how to be unemployed. The idea of not having an income is so overwhelming that I can't focus on it any longer than the amount of time it took me to write this sentence without breaking into a sweat.

As you all know, I am single. As you all probably also know, I own my own condo. This means I am SOLELY responsible for paying my mortgage, putting food on my table, paying the utility bills, insurance, and all other expenses of life. I do not have a secondary income, I do not have a fall back plan. And because I have been seriously underpaid at my current...uh...previous job, I do not have a savings account. That panic rising in me...it is monumental if I allow it to peek through.

The details, in a nutshell: The Firm is already severly short staffed, with two attorneys, one paralegal (yours truly), a part time receptionist, an useless office manager (really no bitterness there...ha), the bosses' wife, who does not take a paycheck, the bosses' daughter who "works" one day a week, and the bosses' brother, who does the cleaning after hours. That's it folks, no bells and whistles on that operation. This week The Boss told his daughter next week would be her last week, he also told his brother the same thing. The receptionist will receive her notice on Monday, because she was out sick on Friday. (She will actually find out today because I plan on calling her to give her the head's up, but she's young and has another full time job, so I'm certain she'll be fine). And then there was me. I was given two week's notice on Friday. I will work the next two weeks, and then get my two week's vacation pay. And then I'm done. There is no money for a severance package, there really is no money for much of anything, and in fact, I highly doubt they'll be able to keep The Firm open much longer. Things are dire. And in case you're wondering, yes, the Nazi, the useless office manager, is keeping her job. Supposedly, she's cuttin down to part time, but I won't even go there...she's the only portion of this equation that angers me.

The Boss is and has been the best boss I've had to date. As far as lawyers go, the guy is one in a million, making me feel like a vital part of the operation, and knowing how to say not only "please and thank you", but also "good job" and "we couldn't do it without you". And yet, now they'll have to, won't they? I hold no hard feelings toward him, in fact, feel sorry for him, because this is his life's work, about to fall apart. And I know how seriously he genuinely cares for me, not just as an employee, but sort of as another one of his "kids". When I tell you he shed tears as he was telling me of the situation, I kid you not. His wife, as well, sobbed as we talked about it. We are very much a "family" and that is perhaps why this sucks as much as it does. This is the longest I've ever worked at a job, and it wasn't because the money was good.

I mention being seriously underpaid...folks, I haven't seen a raise in 3 years. But I enjoyed my job, and was willing to sacrifice the extra money for the peace of mind. Even if "whisper wednesdays" got to me.

But that's the background. Here's where we stand now: I have approximately one month's worth of paychecks left before panic truly sets in. I cannot afford to go on unemployment alone, so I will be working on my resume today, and going out to buy an interview suit. I will be looking for a job that will pay me, likely, about 50% more than what my current salary is. Hold on, let me say that again...50% more. Of course, that's what with my level of experience I should be getting paid, but in today's economy, it's likely that I'll have to settle for less...still, less than 50 will likely still be at least 25% more than I make now.

So now you're saying "Why the hell didn't you leave your job earlier Karina?" I know, I know. But as much as I love shoe shopping, money has just never been a determining factor for me. I'm more about peace of mind, and this job offered me more of that than any other job I've ever had. I was willing to sacrifice the paycheck size for that. But now that I have no choice, let's focus on the big bucks, shall we?

Anyway, long story short long, this is likely a blessing in disguise. As much as it sucks today, I'm sure in the end it'll bring better financial security for me, new experiences, and my circle of "people" I associate with on a daily basis was getting really secluded, so new people will enter my life. Hey, maybe "I'll meet a guy". (Said in that way that my married friends say everytime I leave the house, as if that should be my sole goal for going out in public). But hey, you never know. (smirk)

I'm hoping to hold off the panic for a few weeks at least, and focus on action instead. If you stayed with me all the way through this insanely long post...thank you. I think I just needed to get it all down, and out of my own head. Now I must go get dressed, because I have a power suit to go buy.

The bad economy hits home

Follow-up Friday is being pre-empted this week. Instead we bring you breaking news from The Firm. In a nutshell, yours trully has just been told that her position is being eliminated. Yes folks, I've just gotten laid off. I have about two weeks left of paychecks before I have to figure out exactly how my mortage is getting paid next month.

I'm still in a bit of denial and shock and haven't completely processed the magnitude of this situation. It wasn't a completely unexpected turn of events, I knew things were dire at The Firm. But it was certainly a lot sooner than I expected, and I was under the impression we were turning things around. I was OBVIOUSLY mistaken.

I will post more about this at a later time, but I really don't have the state of mind or the energy to do it now...I'm sort of just sitting at my desk, staring at my computer, trying not to throw up right now.

Anyone up for martinis tonight? You'll have to treat though, I have a mortgage to pay and no income.

I wonder how much I can sell my shoe collection for?

Extra Extra I've got news - Follow-Up Friday

The first day of Spring here in my neck of the woods brought with it some insanely strong winds. With temps in the 30's, it felt more like a mid-winter day. Ah, Spring in New England. But, today, although still windy and cold, the sun is out. There's at least a false sense of the new season as I sit in my office with my heater on.

Once again this week I've managed to reply to comments directly at each individual post, so, if you left me a comment this week, check for my response accordingly. I'm attempting to do this daily now, and really, it's not like I get so many comments that I can't keep up. (That was a poorly disguised plea for comments if I ever saw one).

This was an interesting blogging week for me. I had a "bloggy" success moment on Saturday when I tried a bit of a "picture switch" magic with my Photo Hunter on Saturday....and it worked!

It was also a bit of a catch up week here at Candid Karina, with two memes I'd been tagged for on Monday, another more poetic meme I'd been meaning to do for months on Tuesday, and answers to some reader's questions on Wednesday. Yesterday it was all about Spring. And there were shoes, oh, how I want those red shoes.

I also managed a bit of poetry over at my oft-neglected writing blog, Creative Karina.

And at my new pop-culture blog, Cafe Karina, I not only kept up with my American Idol recaps, but I ventured into new territory as well. This post should show you the direction I plan on taking with that blog. In a word...random. It is for my random thoughts about the media world we live in. There will be celebrities, there will be music, there will be (of course) television, and yes, at times, there will even be news and politics. There will be snark, there will be humor (I hope), and there will be eye candy. I hope you'll come by for a cup'a.

But that's not all the bloggy news I have. I have two more ventures I'm extremely excited about.

First up, if you don't know by now, I belong to a fantastic group called SheWhoBlogs. It is a community of female bloggers offering one another support, fun and friendship. We have our own blog, and also, if you click on the handy little button on the sidebar, you can join our Yahoo Group. I'm inviting you, we'd love to have you.

But here's where the NEW comes in. Our fearless leader Frances decided that she wanted to begin a new weight loss program, and asked if any of us would be interested in joining her, and turning it into a blogging venture as well. Since I'm constantly saying I really need to get serious about getting and staying in shape, I decided I would have to join in. So, together with a group of ladies from SheWhoBlogs, today we launch our new blog SheWhoDiets (you know you love it). I'm excited to see what we will all come up with, and how we can all motivate each other to succeed in our health goals. Despite the name, this blog is not just about dieting, it is about exercise, about choosing healthy options, and just in general about making the right choices, and supporting one another in those decisions. I'm really looking forward to what's to come. I hope you'll stop by and see us.

And finally, the other new venture I'm giddy with excitement about. Last night at dinner at my parents' house, I was discussing my blog and the wonderful friendships I've made in the blogosphere. Quite unexpectedly my mom said "I should start a blog". Can you all hear me squealing with excitement? As a blogger I feel that everyone in the world should blog, and wish I could convince all my friends to do so, because they just don't know what they're missing out on. So, how cool is it that mom wants to join our ranks? I will be spending some time with her this weekend setting up a brand new blog for her...so stay tuned for Candid Momma.

That's all I've got for you today, and really, that's enough, ain't it? Come on by tomorrow to see what I've come up with for the Photo Hunter "Metal" theme and next week's Fun Monday is being hosted by Swampy, so you KNOW you've got to check that out.

Have a great Easter everyone.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

Okay, so yesterday was shaded in secrecy and teasers, and for that I apologize. But I warn you there may be more of that in the future, so you'll just have to bear with me. At least now you know I'll come through with the reveal in one way or another.


So, moving on. What to talk about today? I did away with Wordless Wednesday because I wanted this blog to be a bit less regimented, so I could write some more. But that means now I actually have to come up with something to write about. What a predicament I find myself in...

Lucky for you, I have all sorts of random things I've been musing on recently, let's discuss:

1. What an incredible time in history we are living in. Being that I live right next door to New Hampshire, it was practically impossible to avoid all the hoopla surrounding yesterday's presidential primary election. And I've just been fascinated with the choices presented to us this time around. Regardless of where your politics lean, you have to admit that it is quite a point in history that we have not only the first woman seriously garnering support as a presidential candidate, but also the first multi-racial (I refuse to call him black, we'll come back to that in a minute) candidate as well. Listening to both of them speak is pretty inspirational. Yes, they are politicians, and yes, half of what comes out of their mouths is likely B.S. (as it is with any other politician), but it's the other half, and the fact that they are even making these speeches, that inspires me. That American dream is quite possibly attainable for them, and not such a pipe dream. It took long enough, but it's a positive step for our so called equality.

2. I will very shortly delve into why I refuse to call Obama black. It's quite simple really. In my family there are several inter-racial couples and/or multi-racial children. Looking at, for example, my cousin's two sons, I would hate to see them grow up and identify themselves as "black" alone. How hurtful would that be to their mother, who is raising them, that they would exclude her heritage all together? Barack's mother is white, and as his father wasn't even involved in his life as he was growing up, let's give the lady her due, shall we? Now, from what I've seen, I'm pretty sure Barack himself uses multi-racial when referring to himself, but it's the media harping on the "first black president" frenzy that drives me crazy. Yes, it is of historical significance that he could be the first man of color to hold that position, and as I said above, that inspires me as an American...let's just get what "color" we're talking about right here, that's all I'm saying. Or better yet, let's focus on the issues instead.

3. Okay, on to less serious things. I've been watching "The View". Well, I've been Tivoing "The View" and watching bits and pieces of it with my finger hovering over the fast forward button. I had watched a few episodes a while back, but because Elizabeth Hasselback annoys the crap out of me, it wasn't a regular occurance that I'd watch. Then they brought on Rosie, and my disdain for that woman knows no bounds, so I REALLY couldn't watch the show. Then Rosie left, and Elizabeth went on maternity leave. Fabulous. So, I began to follow the show again. I love Whoopi, and although she doesn't seem to say all that much on the show, I'm good with her being there, and I was enjoying the revolving door of "guest" cohosts as well. But here's the thing. Sherry Sheppard? I honestly didn't think anyone on that show could possibly annoy me more than Hasselback. But I was OH SO WRONG. That woman is dumb as an ox. The words that come out of her mouth? Does she even stop to think before she speaks? Elizabeth may annoy me to all ends, but at least she seems to have somewhat of a grasp about the issues she feels so strongly about. I may not agree with her, and I may find her whiny, but I can see for the most part that she has at least educated herself on those beliefs. Sheppard? Clueless. I mean, the woman was asked if the earth was flat, and she said...well...I'll let you see for yourself:



Right.

4. The writer's strike has now caused the Golden Globes to be cancelled. But they'll still be holding a press conference to announce the winners. Be honest folks, does anybody care about any of that? Don't we all just watch to see what everyone will be wearing? No red carpet? Nobody cares. I want the Best and Worst Dressed lists and pictures, that's the votes I'm interested in.

I think I'll leave on that note. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Seriously? Because it's just not the same, without the cocaine.

Headline on Yahoo News this morning: Keith Richards Admits that he DID snort Dad's Ashes.

BUT, he has come out to say, he did NOT mix them with cocaine as originally reported.

Of course not. And that, my friends, makes it all okay. After all, he didn't do the drugs, he just snorted his dad's ashes.

Wait, let me repeat that one more time, just so we're clear...HE SNORTED HIS FATHER'S ASHES.

Seriously? Seriously.

You can read the rest of the article here.

Scroll down for much lighter fare, also known as my obsession with Corey Haim.

Hello Officer - SERIOUSLY?

This is going to go under my "favorite news items" folder:

Bad Thai cops to endure Kitty shame.

BANGKOK, Thailand - Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday.

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late — among other misdemeanors — will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won't wear the armband in public.
The striking armband features Hello Kitty sitting atop two hearts.
"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok.
"(Hello) Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It's not something macho police officers want covering their biceps," Pongpat said.
He said police caught breaking the law will be subject the same fines and penalties as any other members of the public.
"We want to make sure that we do not condone small offenses," Pongpat said, adding that the CSD believed that getting tough on petty misdemeanors would lead to fewer cases of more serious offenses including abuse of power and mistreatment of the public by police officers.
Hello Kitty, invented by Sanrio Co. in 1974, has been popular for years with children and young women. The celebrity cat adorns everything from diamond-studded jewelry, Fender guitars and digital cameras to lunch boxes, T-shirts and stationery.

I love it! I mean, seriously, talk about creative management! Seriously...think about any cop you've met over the years that has been arrogant, or on a power related ego-trip. Now think about them going into work and being reprimanded by their boss and being made to wear a Hello Kitty armband all day. SERIOUSLY, can it get any better than that?

Seriously? - Are Princesses Good Role Models?

Seriously? I’m starting a new “segment” if you will. It’s going to be called…you guessed it “Seriously?” and whenever I come across things in the media that just boggle my mind, but yet that I must react to, this is where’ll it’ll happen.

So, back to today’s topic. “Are Princesses Good Role Models?” is a headline on Yahoo’s homepage today. There is an ABC news video link to that story, and there is the story at the ABC News Website. Take a moment if you will to either watch the video, or read the story, (the narration is the same as the article) then come back.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Health/story?id=3065469&page=1

Got it? Okay good…so…SERIOUSLY?? Is this what we’ve become? Afraid to let our children play? SERIOUSLY? This Peggy Orenstein chick obviously had a very unhappy childhood, and has some real hang-ups about being a female. She says “She wants children to live in reality, not fantasy.” SERIOUSLY??

For God’s sake…WHY? Why the hell would we want children to live in reality? Childhood should be all about fantasy, and imagination and playing and not knowing the reality of how much the real world SUCKS. Let them be children. They will deal with reality all too soon anyway, why take away those few years where it actually is all about beauty and fantasy? Is that so bad?

Ms. Orenstein worries about their body image? SERIOUSLY? Because I’d be a hell of a lot more concerned about the fact that she’s focusing on a 3 year old’s body image, then the fact that Snow White and Cinderella are pretty CARTOON girls.

Look, I’m not saying I don’t realize that body image is a huge issue for women and girls in this country (in the world), but taking away a childhood fantasy of being a princess isn’t going to fix the problem. She says: “I really worry about what it's setting girls up for. Will the girl who is wearing 'Princess' across her chest when she's three be wearing 'Spoiled' across her chest when she's six, and 'Porn Star' when she is 12?"

SERIOUSLY?? I mean…SERIOUSLY?? And a 12 year old wearing a “Porn Star” t-shirt (WHAT?) is due to watching Princess movies when she was 3 years old? SERIOUSLY? It has nothing to do with parenting, or the values she is taught? And the fact that my mother would have kicked my ass if I ever even looked at a t-shirt that said “Porn Star” on it?

SERIOUSLY?

Let’s stop blaming the media, the music, the freakin’ cartoons already huh? It’s due time that parents take responsibility for raising their kids and that women take responsibility for loving and accepting themselves. We all know that magazines models and celebrities are airbrushed beyond recognition, we know they starve themselves for the sake of their business, we know that it’s not reality. WE have a responsibility to make sure the younger generations know that as well, and that they begin to make the changes we have as yet been unable to make. But for God’s sake…leave the cartoons alone, and let children have their fantasies for a while huh?

SERIOUSLY!