The Curse of the Hot Friend

In keeping with my resolution to get out of the house more, because people keep telling me Mr. Right is not just going to knock on my door one day (hey, it could happen), I’ve been trying to plan more “nights out” with friends. So, a week ago Saturday I made plans with my cousin M&M, her friend Red and my friend Shopaholic to hit the town. That sounds so fun and exciting, but truly, we’re all a bunch of old fogies at this point, and hitting the town just isn’t what it used to be. That said, we met at my house for a few drinks and some conversation around 9PM, and then headed into Boston to a local bar/sports complex/billiards place. It was a girls’ night out, with no real plans or expectations except to have a good time. All four of us were in a great mood, and the liquor was flowing freely enough that some of us (ahem, M&M) were feeling pretty good.

A little background info: Red is married, Shopaholic is in a relationship of sorts, and M&M also has a boyfriend she is very happy with. Any flirtation on any of their parts (ahem, M&M) is purely of the innocent, “I’m just having fun” kind. Also, let it be known that I love M&M, not only is she my cousin, but in the past few years she has become one of my closest friends. She is a wonderful person, and I’m glad that as adults, we’ve grown to be so close. I tell you this because I’m about to reveal some deep seated issues here. (not really).

M&M is of the tall, skinny, and gorgeous variety. She is THAT girl, the one that all the guys flock to. When you go out with M&M, you are immediately reduced to the ranks of “the hot girl’s friend”, or as I like to call it the “fat ugly friend”. Look I’m not being negative; I’m just stating the facts. Ask her sister, she’ll tell you why we didn’t want to hang out with M&M when we were younger. (I told you deep seated stuff). But it’s not M&M’s fault. She’s just standing there and they flock to her. And I hold no resentments in this department, because really, she’s a freakin’ riot to be out with, and it’s not her fault guys think she’s hot, good on her!

So, now that you’ve got the background, let me present you with some examples of her powers, and the curse that befalls the rest of us in her entourage.

Scene 1: The four of us are just getting ready to begin a game of billiards, when along come two random already drunk 22 year olds, one of them right up to M&M: “Where can we get a table?”
M&M: You need to go over to the counter, but there’s a 45 minute wait for tables”
GUY: grumbles something or other
M&M: You guys can play with us if you want (looks over to us for approval, we all nod the equivalent of “whatever”).
GUY: SCORE (well, I’m sure that’s what he was thinking anyway).
His friend didn’t really say much. So, we proceed to play a game with these guys. All’s fine and dandy, until GUY, who’s been chatting M&M up, walks over to me and says “You’re friend is beautiful”.
Me: Yep, she is.
GUY: But she has a boyfriend.
Me: Yep, she does.
GUY: (putting his arm around my shoulders) So, you wanna go on a date?

SERIOUSLY! Because my goal in life has always been to be sloppy seconds. Seriously. Someone asked me why I didn’t throw my drink in his face, but ladies, my cosmopolitan was way too delicious to waste in that manner. I actually thought it was hilarious and laughed it off, but SERIOUSLY? Who says that? You can think it, but don’t say it. God Almighty, this is why I don’t date. Once that game was over, they moved on, and we moved on, my ego slightly bruised, but mostly intact.

Scene 2: As we’re shooting pool, we are checking out the crowd around us. At one point, M&M leans over to me and points to two guys playing at a table diagonally from ours. “Gay?” she asks. “hmmm…that one for sure, the other one…probably” I say.
Cut to later as we’re getting ready to leave our table when bachelor number 1 (the for sure one) walks over to M&M. “My friend and I want to play doubles, you girls want to play?” Us: (yay, we get to play with the gay guys, how fun) Sure. Introductions all around, Bachelor Number 1 is “Creepy Brazilian Guy”, we’ll call him “Creepy” for short, Bachelor Number 2 is more laid back Brazilian Guy, we’ll call him “Arms” because oooh, the arms on that boy. Upon closer inspection, we realize that Creepy is in fact NOT gay, what we mistook for a femininity of sorts, actually turned out to be a uh…flamboyance of another kind. My apologies to the gay community for thinking he was a member, seriously, we couldn’t have been more wrong, no self respecting gay man would have acted the way he did in public. No self respecting straight man would have either, but Creepy was…well…creepy. Creepy decided he would partner up with M&M for the game, and offered one of the other three of us up to his friend Arms. I wound up with the privilege of having Arms as my doubles partner. Seriously, ladies, the arms on this man…sexy. He was a good looking guy, sort of quiet, and quite the opposite of his friend. Creepy was all over M&M “teaching” her how to hold the pool stick and…ugh, the creepiness of it all still sends shivers down my spine. At one point I said to Arms “You’re friend thinks he’s quite the man, huh?”, to which he replied “I haven’t really known him that long”. Yep, I think even he was a bit creeped out. Creepy would do this little dance with the pool stick, every time he’d take a shot…I’m pretty sure he fancied himself a Justin Timberlake of sorts. We saw him more as a Michael Jackson meets Borat type. I actually believe I got the better end of the bargain this time around, since M&M needed a serious shower to wipe off all memories of Creepy’s arms around her, and Arms was actually a pretty decent guy. Still, the idea of getting to know Arms better was overruled by the thought that Creepy would probably ask to join in. YIKES…

Scene 3: After we managed to extract ourselves from the clutches of Creepy, we left the bar and headed toward our car. While walking toward the parking lot a quite inebriated fellow stops M&M “Wait, wait, did you see that?” he says.
M&M: See what?
Fellow: That sparkle back there, did you see it?
ME: OH, I see the line, I see it coming…go ahead, let him deliver it.
M&M: Line? OH, yes, tell me, what sparkle?
Fellow: (Oblivious to my obvious teasing him) The sparkle in your eyes.
Yep…she even gets the lines you only read about guys actually using.

And this was all in one night. I’ll give you one more scene from this past Sunday, at a local feast for our church (the one I haven’t set foot in in QUITE a while now) we (same four girls again) spent the evening walking around and chatting with people we knew. M&M managed to get us a free round of drinks from a guy she went to high school years ago, despite his wedding ring, and we were having fun just scoping out the scene. This was definitely not a “going out to meet a guy” evening for me (not that I plan on doing that ever when I go out), but it was really just a “night out of the house, maybe running into some people I know form my past” kind of evening. Even so, I looked pretty damn good that evening, if I do say so myself. I was also told this by several people, so I was feeling pretty good. The self-esteem has been at an all time low this past year, but with the recent summer of working out and getting back in shape, it’s heading back in the right direction. Sunday was a good self-esteem evening for me. But I digress.

Anyway, most of the night was spent with Red and I laughing about M&M’s uncanny ability to get all the attention in the crowd. There was the aforementioned free round of drinks, the Brazilian guy (not creepy this one) who asked her to dance, and then only asked me to dance because SHE told him I was a better dancer than she. Thanks M, I appreciate the effort, misguided as it may have been.

But, just in case you really need proof that guys will do just about anything to impress M&M, here’s the kicker. She smokes, and at one point, she digs her cigs out of her purse, but can’t find her lighter. So, innocently enough, she turns to a group of about 5 guys standing next to us and asks if anyone has a light. They all nod and/or say no. For most of us, that would have been the end of it, correct? Right…some of us might have even gotten a “smoking is bad for you” comment or a “that stuff is nasty” look from the non-smoking guys. Right? Yeah. But M&M? WELL, let’s just say that Red and I were in hysterics as we witnessed two of the guys break off from the group in search of a lighter for the hot girl. And sure enough, a few seconds later, one of the guys approaches with lighter in hand, and does that thing you see in the old movies, where he reaches up to light her cig for her all macho and cool.

Yep, she just has it like that. And the best part is? She doesn’t even realize it. I miss those days, because once upon a time, I had it like that too. Ah, the good old days. Just remind me that one of these nights, if I do decide that I’m going out to actually try to meet a man, I must leave “the hot friend” at home.