Too old for MTV

So, Fun Monday this week is all about being nice, and good and all that mushy stuff (see post below for all that do-gooderness)…but as much as I am a sweet, nice, loveable person (cough cough), the catty me needs equal time. And as you all know I’m a bit of a celebrity gossip nut…so there was no way I could let the events of last night pass by without comment. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn’t do it.

What events, you ask? Well, last night MTV presented its annual event of debauchery, music and accolades, also known as the Video Music Awards. Now, for the record, I stopped watching about 98% of anything televised on MTV years ago. I can only handle so much teen angst and 20something self-destruction before I want to throw my television out the window, so MTV has been replaced by other equally bad, but geared toward a more “mature” (use of the word loosely) audience programming, such as the crap on VH1. But, the award shows I usually tune into. Thanks to the advent of Tivo, I can now record them and watch them later, making a two to three hour event usually last about 25 minutes, as I fast forward through most of it, stopping only for some of the performances, and the random speech or presenter. Last night I knew I had to tune in, because Britney Spears was to make her much anticipated return to performing. Her “comeback” performance if you will. And fascinated as I have been with the demise of her career, I was curious to see if she could actually pull it off, or if she would just add to her already long list of disappointments. To be honest, I was not expecting a stellar performance. But even I, in my negativity, could not have foreseen the complete and utter disaster that was Britney on that stage last night.

The words Train Wreck are actually too mild a description for what occurred. As much as I enjoy the ups and (mostly) downs of celebrity life, and as much as there is this inner curiosity for how they can so completely get off track, I actually felt bad for the girl. I know she’s brought most of her destruction upon herself. I realize she’s made poor choices and is not a victim here.

But OH BRITNEY, my heart actually broke for you as I watched you with a deer caught in headlights look on your face, almost visibly counting steps in your head as you attempted to dance and lip-synch your way through your “comeback” performance. Some might say you looked nervous, I think you looked downright terrified. I don’t think you blinked once, your eyes so wide the whole time. And the dancing, if that is what we are choosing to call it, was almost a joke. I half-expected the music to stop at one point, and for you to do one of those “Okay, just kidding, here we go” sort of things, and then shut off the lip-synch machine and start actually dancing and kicking some ass. But that never happened. Instead, you continued to sludge through, moving in a robotic snail-like manner, missing steps, and completely losing your place several times. And we mostly expected you to lip-synch, you weren’t the only one last night to do so, but Brittney, sweetie, part of lip-synching involves actually moving your lips. Something you managed to forget to do for the larger part of that charade.

When the song was over, you mouthed a week “thank you” and ran off the stage like your feet were on fire. Never to be heard from again the entire evening. Were you nervous or were you high? Did you think you were being cute, or did you actually think you pulled it off? Are you actually looking to make a comeback, or have you just completely lost your mind? I’m not sure what is going on, and I’m not sure I’m supposed to care, but after that performance, I’m actually concerned and feel badly for you. I want you to get the help you need, not for your career, because I think that ship has sailed, but for your own sake and mostly for the sake of your kids. When Fed-Ex becomes the better parenting choice of the two, I worry about those kids.

Okay, I’ve gone on too long about the whole Britney fiasco, but I couldn’t help it, I had to put in my 2 cents.

As for the rest of the “show”, I have this to say: It’s no wonder kids today are all diagnosed with ADD and the like. I had the damnedest time keeping up with whatever was going on with this show. It was all over the place, and was making me dizzy. If this format is successful, I’m definitely way too old for MTV.

A couple more random observations, and then, I promise, I’ll stop. First of all, John Norris, what were you wearing? Was that eye make-up? Note: I tried to find a picture but couldn't, so you'll just have to trust me...it was bad. Dude, seriously, you’ve been on MTV since the beginning, and I can see you are trying like hell to hold on to your cool factor and your youth, but seriously, let it go. You looked like an idiot, and I’m pretty sure all the celebrities you interviewed were laughing AT you, not with you. I’m not saying you have to quit your cushy job with MTV, just don’t try so hard to still be ONE with the MTV generation. You’re not, that time has passed. Hey, maybe VH1 is hiring?

Sarah Silverman. I don’t get it. Maybe it’s the generation thing again, or maybe it’s just me, but…I don’t think she’s funny in the least. I know this whole “let me pick on the celebrities while they’re in the room with me” shtick is supposed to be a funny thing, but it’s actually painful to watch. She just comes off as crass and ignorant to me.

Kanye West…I heard he threw yet another hissy fit because he didn’t win any awards. Me? I’m laughing about it because he’s not getting the fact that your fame hinges on your fans, and if you are constantly insulting your fans by proclaiming to be where you are because of YOU and nobody else…well, then you don’t get any awards. Humility goes a long way…look into it.

Nelly Furtado as a bleached blonde? Not loving it.

Chris Brown’s performance? SICK. You all know what a lover of dance I am anyway, but this kid? WOW, he’s something else. I’ll give props where props are due, and he’s earned them. SICK! Could have done without the interruption with that damn umbrella song by Rhianna though.

And finally, the Justin Timberlake and Timbaland performance at the end of the show. First of all, DAMN, who knew Timbaland was ripped like that? I always thought he was a bit on the “cuddly” side, but WOW get a look at those arms. And JT? What can I say, I’m a fan. I actually watched his Labor Day performance on HBO on Saturday night, and I was impressed then. He’s an all around artist. He actually won the “quadruple threat” award, something new and MTVish for singer/producer/actor/something else, but I say he earned that. He delivers. He can put on a good show, and looks like he has fun doing it. Good on him.

There were several other moments during the show that I had reactions to, but mostly I just felt confused and old. I think heared myself saying “these damn kids today” more than once. Yikes. That’s it no more MTV for me.