Monday, May 11, 2009

Not so Sweet

I tried to write a blog post several times today, to no avail. The thing is, I've been sinking, slowly into a pit of the blahs. I've been in a funk all day and try as I might, I haven't been able to shake it.

So I honestly couldn't come up with anything to write about that wouldn't make me seem like a negative Nelly.

And then I remembered that when I am in these funks is exactly when I should write. So I did.

And the poem below is what I came up with. For the record, I'm sharing it with you pretty much unedited, first draft version (which I seldom ever do)...but here it is, it should show you the mood I was in all day:


As I walk down the hall,
feeling the sun on the back of my neck
I know better.

As I approach the door,
Leaving behind the warm familiarity
I know I should stop.

It isn’t too late yet
To turn back

I can still take control
Make the choice
Not go in.

I stop in front of the door
Take a deep breath
And sneak a peek behind me.

It’s all there
Where I came from
Where it’s safe, and warm, and bright.

This end of the hall is dark

Behind the door…

I should turn around.

But like a moth drawn to a flame
I can’t stop
I place my hand on the doorknob and turn
Push it open

Instantly I feel the cold
Before I’ve even stepped in the room
My breath is stolen from me

Dark thoughts invade my mind
I sigh, almost cry
Feeling the pull
Knowing I should turn
Go back

But I can’t.

I step through
Let it wrap its icy arms around me
Pull me into the gloom
Before closing the door behind me
I look back once again
See the light beginning to fade in the distance.

It’s not too late
I can step back through the door
Walk right back up that hallway
And escape.

For a while, I stand in the threshold
Unable to choose
Unable to decide
Unable to give in completely, but unable to walk away
And then I close the door.

Turn around
Step back up the hallway
Let the sun shine on my face.

With each step I take away from the door
I feel lighter, brighter, safer
I breathe easier.
I wipe the tears from my eyes and realize I shed them
Not out of pain, but out of joy
For my freedom.
For my strength
For this time I was able to walk away.

It’s not always this way
Some days the force in the room is too strong and I give in
Some days I don’t come out for hours
Some days I don’t come out at all

On no day can I predict it
On no day can I understand it

Depression…always lurking, calling, seducing.

Copyright - CandidKarina 2009

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