Tuesday, February 28, 2006

What about your friends?

The beauty of friends is that they come in all shapes and sizes, colors and schematics.

I’m really lucky in that I have some truly wonderful friends, who fit more than one mold, and are just wonderful to have in my life at all times.

But I was thinking the other day, in one of my “bees buzzing in my head” moments, about all the other friends. The “peripheral friends” I’ll call them. These are usually the really interesting ones. They are usually good friends, but not “great” friends, thus why you keep them on the peripheral.

The only true difference, in my eyes, between a GREAT friend, and a GOOD friend, is that a GREAT friendship doesn’t require maintenance from either party, the friendship just IS. Whether you see each other every day, or live thousands of miles apart and only see each other every other year, the friendship is true, and effortless. This is not to say that you will never fight with a “great” friend, because you will. It just means that once the fight has been fought, you’ve just become that much closer, the friendship is that much stronger.

In “good” friendships, you can have a lot of fun together, you can go through a lot of stuff together, be there for one another, and even think the world of each other, but, there’s always been a bit of a struggle to connect. You know those friendships where you have to think before you speak for fear of hurting their feelings? Or the ones where there’s always been more than one occasion where one of the friends felt snubbed, or ignored, or left out and it just always takes some work to make sure the friendship runs smoothly. Or maybe it’s simply the kind of friendship which with time, and distance, just slowly dies out, never to be heard from again. There is nothing inherently bad about about a “good” friend, it’s just lacking some mysterious ingredient which would make it great.

So, it was in thinking about friendships that I gave some thought to the types of friends every woman (for I can’t really speak for men) has both in the close and the peripheral classes. Here’s a few, and it is possible that a friend can be more than one of the following at once:

DISCLAIMER: The following is a completely fictional list of characters and none of my friends should take the list as a list of who my friends are (unless it makes them happy to do so). I have some of these in my circle, and I have others that don’t quite fit into any specific mold, if you take offense, let it be known that you are definitely NOT the person I was thinking of (if I was thinking of anyone at all) I love you all dearly for your virtues and your quirks.

The Pleaser: This friend is the kind that whether she does it on purpose, or it simply comes naturally, she is so eager to please that you sometimes wonder if she has any interests of her own. She will wait for your suggestion as to what you should do together, or if she does make a recommendation of her own, it is quickly followed by a “is that okay? We don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”

The Database: (Sometimes this friend is both the pleaser and the DB): This friend is the one who always remembers every birthday, job interview, date or special event you have on the horizon and calls you the very next day to see how things went. Personally, I love this friend and wish I could be her.

The Shoulder: This is the one you ALWAYS call when you’ve been through a break-up, or you’ve broken a nail. She listen, she hugs and she always knows the right thing to say, even it it’s just “That sucks, I’m sorry”.

The Drama Queen: Needs no explanation really, but you know with this friend, she’ll always top you with her stories, her ailments, her crisis’s. Very closely related to the Negative Nelly.

The Negative Nelly: There is NOTHING in the world that can ever go right for this girl. And even when it does, it just means it’s somehow going to explode and go wrong. This is not necessarily the truth, but stick with her long enough, and you’ll start believing it too.

The Positive Patty: in contrast to Ms. Negative, this girl always sees the bright side of things. You stubbed your toe? Well, at least you stopped thinking about your headache right? Lost your job, well now you can find something you really love to do. Not a bad person to have on your side. Except on those days when you really just want someone to scream with. Call Nelly then.

The Bad News Bear: This friend, unlike the Drama Queen, won’t necessarily call you with her personal woes, but always has a terrible story to share, or some news article she read that will put the fear of God into you. This is also the friend you should NEVER discuss your health with, because she is likely to respond with “I don’t mean to scare you but…” Friends are supposed to say “I’m sure it’s nothing”, you never want to hear the other words come out of their mouths. (the bad news bear in my life by the way, was the inspiration for this entry).

The Flake: God love her, she is one of your favorite people in the world, but you sure hope this girl always has friends like you around her to keep her from walking in front of a speeding bus. She would give you the shirt off her back, trouble is, she might ACTUALLY give you the shirt of her back, in public, in broad daylight.

The Boss: You know her, she’s always in charge, and although sometimes you may resent it, most of the time, you don’t really mind, after all, someone has to do the planning, make the phone calls, grab that cute boy’s attention and push you right in front of him on the dance floor. Yes, I know we can be annoying (yes, I am very aware I fall into this category), but you do love us for it.

The Superstar: This is your glamorous friend. She always looks perfect, has all the new toys, knows all the right people. She can find out any information you need at any time, and is sure to be the first to plan that exotic vacation. The only real problem with this friend, is you always feel like the frumpy younger sister next to her. But at least she’ll let you borrow her clothes. (NO, I absolutely do not think I am her, I am always the frumpy younger sister).

These are just a few of the ones I can think of. I am sure there are more, and I’m sure you’ve got plenty you can share with me. Please do.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Where in the World is my Muse?

Been MIA for a while here...sorry. Not only can I not find my Muse, so therefore, no inspiration to write, but I've also been sick in the head. Go ahead, laugh, it's funny, but only because it didn't happen to you.
See, a week ago Saturday I woke up with an extremely bad cold. I troupered through the day's errands, and even a one year old's birthday party, because usually, I don't really get very sick, so I figured I could handle it. By Saturday afternoon when I made it home, I felt deathly ill, and didn't leave the house again until Monday. Feeling like I'd gotten over the worst of it, I was feeling pretty great on Monday, until mid-afternoon, when out of the blue, my head got woozy, and I started feeling pretty sick. By that evening, I had this insistant buzzing in my head. I woke up Tuesday with this constant buzzing in my head/ringing in my ears. After a little internet research, I realized that I had some form of tinnitus, which for those not in the know, is a swarm of bees buzzing around inside your head for a consistant period of time. My entire head vibrated, I couldn't think straight, and just the sound of my computer humming made me want to scream. It wasn't a headache, it was a buzzing/humming/ringing...By Tuesday night, I was volunteering for decapitation. Woke up Wednesday not feeling any better, so I decided to stay home, to recoup. After reading an entire book (only thing that calmed my head was complete silence), and no improvement I went to the doctor only to be told that since I did not have an ear infection, there was nothing they could give me, this would have to work itself out...and it could take WEEKS for it to go away. LOVELY.
Since then, I've had better days, and then relapses, I cancelled most of my weekend plans for fear of exacerbating the problem, and read yet another ENTIRE book, while trying to block out the bees. I did learn, by the way, in case you are ever faced with a case of tinnitus, that although the sound of my refrigerator was enough to send me into a tizzy, the purring of my cat had a calming effect on the bees. Go figure. I'm still not 100%, but I'm thinking I'm getting closer and closer to it...let's hope.
In the meantime, I haven't gone to the gym in almost two weeks, been comfort eating like food will calm the buzzing, and the thought of squeezing into a bathing suit in less than 3 months is looming large and frightening.
I have also done a whole lot of reading when the buzzing was on, and television watching when I was feeling better, but staying home to avoid getting worse. There will be a few book and movie reviews to come from this escapade. Stay tuned, I watched some doozies!
Today I'm at work, and for the first time in a week, I've been able to concentrate and get A LOT accomplished. It is now almost time to leave, to go meet my friends for drinks, except, I won't be drinking anything fancier than Iced Tea, since the buzzing in my head does NOT need any aid of alcoholic substances.
I am looking forward to the day when I again have a clear head. Oh the things we take for granted!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Tuesday

So, it’s here, the flowers and candy and hearts and pink balloons, and jewelry and Hallmark cards holiday (if we can truly call it that). That one day a year when love is in the air and all is cheerful and romantic. WHATEVER…

It is without a doubt the one calendar day when the masses divide, into the haves and have-nots, the lovers and the lonely. And therefore, as a representative of the single class, it is expected of me to have something to say. In fact, it was requested of me by my cousin that I post one of my blog entries, with my witty (my word, not hers) and sarcastic sense of humor. So, Moni, this is for you.

Here’s the thing though, I’m not feeling Valentine’s day this year, one way or the other. I’ve had plenty of Vdays when I was both single and “entangled”, and on these days, I’ve had both negative and positive reactions. There have been the “he’d better remember, I’d better get flowers” days, and the “oh, he’s so sweet, I can’t believe he showed up with flowers and candy” moments. There have also been the “I’m such a loser I don’t have a date” days, and the “whatever, I’m just going to spend it with my also single friends and mock the whole thing as being a corporate holiday meant for spending money and driving people crazy” rants.
But this year? I almost forgot it was coming. Then last week I decided to buy some Valentines to send out to all my friends. But, in typical procrastinator fashion, I still have them sitting on my desk at home…maybe I’ll send them out next year (sorry girls, it's the thought that counts right? Imagine getting a Hello Kitty Valentine in the mail...it's from me, it says "Be Mine" or some other corny thing). But the key is this, I’ve barely noticed the hearts and ribbons and pink and ads for flowers and Kay Jewelers. It’s just not been on my priority list of things to obsess about. The main reason being that I have truly made peace with being single, to the extent that I’m comfortable, satisfied and even happy with my status.

So, for those of you who were anxiously expecting the inevitable sarcastic rant, I must apologize for this year, I just don’t have it in me. I’m not getting soft, and I’m not “giving in”, I’m just not interested enough. As far as I see it, it is Tuesday, I have some sort of ear infection (great fun), and I’m hoping the ringing in my head subsides enough to make it to the gym tonight. I don’t want to go home and sulk, because I’m not in a sulking mood. I don’t want to find a way to celebrate it with other singles, or to “treat myself extra special” because it’s Tuesday, what’s so special about it? But I’m also not anti-Valentine this year. I hope those of you who find yourselves in relationships get lots of flowers, candy, and romance. I know if I was in your situation, I’d want it too, all “snarky remarks” about commercial holidays aside.
So, in honor of the holiday that I almost forgot existed, I’ve decided to share some Valentine’s Day memories with you.

The first took place in 1992 or so; I was in high school and working at McFast food restaurant. There was a boy, we’ll call him “O”, and he asked me out for V-day. I don’t remember too much about the actual date, besides these two things: He gave me a pink stuffed monkey, (and possibly a flower, but I don’t recall) and his car smelled like gasoline, therefore the pink stuffed monkey smelled like gasoline for months to come. I’m pretty sure we had a nice time, but I also know we never went out again, though we continued to work together and get along just fine. I still have the pink monkey, he is now part of a collection of stuffed monkeys I’ve acquired as gifts over the years, in fact, I went on to receive at least one other stuffed monkey at a later Valentine’s day. Still trying to figure out the monkey thing…wonder if they’re trying to tell me something?

Next memory takes place possibly 5 years ago, it was my second time with my most recent ex, who had also been my first real love, we had a 3 year break between our two times together. I remember that he didn’t call me that day until much later than is acceptable for Valentine’s day. I also remembered that he was one of those “Valentine’s day is commercial, I love you every day why do I have to make a big deal out of today” kind of guys, so therefore, I spent most of the day mad at him. Typical in our relationship. So, after a day of no flowers at the office, and barely a “Happy V-Day” on the phone, I came home cranky and frustrated to find a box of chocolates and flowers on my bed. The jerk had stopped by my house on his way home from work and dropped them off. I’ve never forgotten how this was the perfect example of how this holiday can be so manipulative. I’d been angry all day, and he turned out to do something completely out of character and sweet, romantic and unexpected. And then of course when I called to tell him I loved it, he blew it off with his typical “yeah, whatever, I only did it because you didn’t think I would”. Sigh…EX-boyfriend for a reason.(or 10)

The final memory I will share with you is my favorite "dear to my heart" Valentine’s Day memory. I was in college. Valentine’s day was on a Monday. On Friday a group of girls was bemoaning their lack of boyfriends, and therefore the impending misery of the coming Monday. With us were some guys as well, among them, hmmm I’ll call him “G”. We were informing G, in that teasing way girls do, that we were expecting flowers and candy from him on Monday. We were also quickly informed that we were dreaming, and would receive no such thing. Fast forward to Monday, VDAY. Sitting in class, and G isn’t even there. I should add quickly that G and I had had some flirtation with each other prior to this, but nothing too definitive. So, suddenly the door to the class opens, and in comes G, a little late, possibly out of breath from climbing the 20 flights of steps (hey, my memory is a little failed here, so I’ll make things up if I want) and plops himself down on his desk next to mine. He is carrying flowers, roses if I remember correctly (I really need to do some memory exercises). Obviously I assumed someone had given them to him, and truth be told, was probably a bit disappointed. That is until he plops them on my desk, and proceeds to dig out a box of chocolates (big red heart shaped kind) and plop that on my desk as well. HOW TOTALLY CUTE is that? That began a fun, and strange on-again, off-again thing with G and I that lasted for years. He left at some point during school to join the army, and we had one of those “relationship by correspondence” things where we weren’t really together, but every time he’d be home on leave, we’d re-connect like we were together. Last I heard he'd gotten married, but never told me directly about it. We lost touch, we moved on, I wish him all the best, and hope he knows what a special place in my heart he’s got. We were never very serious, but he’s always been one that defines romance for me.

Well, hell, maybe I am getting soft. Must be the ringing in my head. I’m going out to buy a stuffed animal, preferably a monkey, to give to Lil K (the little sister) on my way home. And if you do want some Anti-Valentine’s sentiments, go here: http://www.meish.org/vd/ (where the above picture was stolen from). I was directed there by another blogger, and it’s funny as hell, so I had to share.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Monday, February 13, 2006


Life is crazy beautiful! Okay, well, it's crazy anyway, and therefore, I've been neglecting my blog (as well as other people's blogs that I need to catch up on).

Anyway, this past weekend here in lovely New England we were hit with a Nor'Easter. For those of you not in the know, that is New England for "a whole crapload of snow". We knew the storm was hitting on Saturday night, so it was all about getting stuff done before mandatory hibernation set in.

Friday night I went to the movies and saw "Walk the Line". I really enjoyed this movie. I was impressed with Reese Witherspoon's acting and with her singing. She's not going to win any Grammy's, but she certainly held her own. And Joaquim Phoenix? Well, I have to tell you, he blew me away. Not only is he an incredible actor, but he sounded so much like Johnny Cash. It was very impressive that these actors took on the added role of singing the songs themselves, and I think that it added an extra level to the movie. They deserve every award they get! This movie gets 5/5 stars for me! I will watch it again when it's out on DVD.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling sick. Turns out the cold I thought I'd kicked about a week and a half ago, was only on hiatus and came back with a vengeance on Saturday morning. Even so, I got my arse out of bed and went to the gym like a good girl. Aren't you all so proud of me? After that I made what was supposed to be a quick trip (and turned into a NOT so quick "wait") to AAA to pay for my vacation to Mexico. A small heart attack and large credit card debit later, I headed home to shower and change. I then rushed to pick up the girls to take them to gymnastics, and while they were somersaulting and cart wheeling, I made an unsuccessful attempt to find the ever elusive winter boots in February in New England (see previous post for related rant). Upon picking the girls up from gymnastics and taking the hyper active one home, lil K and I went to my friend Shizzy's one year old's birthday party. OOH Joy. I was very sad to not be able to cuddle with the little guy, but alas, I was infected and therefore banned from the kiddies. So I oggled and cooed from afar, feeling like death warmed over. Once the party ended, I made a quick jaunt to a megastore that shall not be named, as I'm supposed to be boycotting it (oops) for catfood, and AHA I found the ever elusive black boots!

Cat food and AWSOME black boots in hand, I dropped lil K off at home, and went home myself. Pj's were thrown on, blankets and pillows were grabbed, and I took up residence on my couch, from where I would not move again until the bed was calling. In my medicine head funk, I somehow decided to watch "New York Minute", a Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movie...ha! DELIRIOUS I was...actually, it was a cute mindless flick and I much enjoyed it. I then attempted to watch Van Helsing, but fell asleep somewhere in the middle and woke up 2 hours later with a kink in my neck. Sunday morning I woke up to find the pretty white stuff falling from the sky. Normally snow makes me cranky, but as I'd decided that I was not leaving the house until Monday, I was happy to see my excuse all white and shiny outside my windows. Over breakfast I finished watching Van Helsing. I had no idea this movie was a comedy. It's kind of a mix between a sci-fi monster flick and a silly movie full of cliches. I enjoyed it, it was fun to watch, but it was not at all what I was expecting.

It turned out that my cold had only visited on Saturday so I wouldn't get my baby time at the birthday party, because Sunday I was feeling much better. I spent the rest of the day cleaning the house, doing laundry and watching Lifetime movies. I watched "It Had to Be You" with Michael VArtan (of Alias) and Natasha Henstridge which is a story of two people who meet on the weekend they are planning their weddings to other people, and fall in love. Typical sappy, love story, but cute. And then I watched "Cake" with Heather Graham, Taye Diggs (YUMMY), Sandra Oh (who I love) and a bunch of other people who I don't know. This was a cute story of an independant "travel writer" who is a single woman and as her friends call her "wedding phobic". She winds up running her dad's wedding magazine while he is sick, and hillarity ensues. Another one of those sappy love stories, but still cute. My favorite thing of the movie? A t-shirt she wore which read "I think, therefore I'm single"...MUST get one for myself.

I ended my Sunday watching the BEST EVER episode of Greys' anatomy. If you don't watch this show, run out and buy season 1 and then find a way to catch up on season 2...this show is incredible TV! I highly recommend it.

Woke up this morning in a nice rested, happy mood. AND then I went to work and it all went to hell...but really, I'm not going to get into that here.

Tomorrow, as promissed to someone who asked, you shall get the obligatory "Anti-black Tuesday" post.

Happy Monday Everyone!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Thirteen Things about ME

1…. Karina is my middle name
2 . I was born in Africa
3 . I lived in Portugal for 10 years
4 . I've lived in the USA for 20 years
5 . I've been a big sister through "Big Brother Big Sister" to my "lil sis" for 5 years
6 . I'm older than my real little brother by 10 years
7 . I think family and real friends are the most important things in life
8 . I'm addicted to reality television
9 . I love sushi
10. The cat in the picture is my little devil Calla Lilly
11. When I grow up I want to be a writer
12. I kill all plants except for my one bamboo and my one cactus which for some reason I've managed to keep alive for years now
13. I'm happy to be turning 31 this year.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Snow Shoes??

I live in New England. It is cold here from about September 20th to about the end of May. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but really, if you’re a New Englander, you know I’m not stretching it all that much. Summer lasts about 3 weeks or so, falling somewhere between July and August. The rest of the year is mild at best.

This winter, we’ve had what they’re calling an “unseasonably warm” winter. The temps have stayed in the mid to upper 40s and 50s, the sun has been out, we are all very pleased, well, except maybe the skiers. Winter appears, however, to be on it’s way back in, and as New Englanders, we will grumble, and complain, but we’ll grab our shovels, our hats and mittens, and deal with it. We live here, therefore, we deal.

The weather, per se, is not my issue today. Today, my issue is with the retail industry, so if you will indulge me:

An open letter to retail America:

Dear Retailers:

In case nobody alerted you, the groundhog saw his shadow. This means that we are expecting six more weeks of winter. For us New Englanders, that means about 12 more weeks of unreasonably cold weather, and the occasional Nor’Easter. While I understand your excitement at the colorful new bathing suits you’ve created, do I need to see them now? When just the mere thought of going outside in a bikini sends shivers into my brain, walking into Target and seeing rows upon rows of multi-colored itty bitty swimsuits is NOT a pleasant experience.

Now, let’s talk shoes for a minute, shall we? Shoes, as I’m sure you are aware, are an essential part of any self-respecting woman’s wardrobe. We love our shoes. We take our shoes very seriously. So, it goes without saying that a woman in New England will not only have a vast collection of winter shoes (ie boots), but won’t be caught dead in open toe shoes until AT LEAST May, for fear of losing her poor little toes to frostbite.

That said, why is it that in the first weeks of February it is nearly impossible to find any footwear in any retail establishment that would cover afore mentioned toes? Boots? HA! Nary a one. Are we then to presume that if we have an unfortunate accident mid-winter, for example, a heel breaking off the staple "every woman has them" knee high black boots, we then will have to refrain from wearing black until it is safe to show our toes?

I’m not asking for much, I would just like to buy shoes and clothes during the actual season when I can actually wear them. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, now that you’ve released the swimsuits into the wild, can we keep them around until those of us who live in layers for warmth have had a chance to shed the “winter weight”? Say…May?

Many thanks.

Friday, February 03, 2006

To baby or not to baby?

THAT is the question all over that place lately.

In Hollywood: Is Angelina pregnant with Brad’s child? Is Katie…excuse me, I mean KATE Holmes really pregnant and what kind of alien child will be born of this strange coupling? Is Brittney pregnant again?

In Washington: Alito has been confirmed, and what does that mean for women’s reproductive rights?

In the Media: Walmart is being sued for not carrying the morning after pill. Germany is concerned over their low birth rates.

In day-to-day life: friends are having babies, planning babies, talking about babies.

And in books, but only because I just finished reading a book titled “Maybe Baby”, which is a collection of essays on the issue of baby-making, or not. This was an excellent book, which so eloquently stated all sides of the breeding issue. Those who have them, those who want them, those who don’t (have them or want them). As I read the book, I started reflecting on my own personal feelings on this issue.

As a 30-year-old single woman in today’s society, I’d be lying if I said the baby thing doesn’t cross my mind often. I’m surrounded by all the above factors, not to mention that I’ve always loved children, and simply melt at the sight of a cute kid. I stop in my tracks when a baby stroller goes by me, and get lost in the smiling and cooing and flirting with the small child. Therefore, one would think, that I’d be ITCHING for motherhood. But, one would be wrong. At least I think one would be wrong. See, that’s the thing, when it comes to the prospect of having my own children, I’m completely ambivalent. Reading “Maybe Baby” I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly with some of the writers who discussed their reasons for wanting children, the unexplainable desire, the joy they imagined (and then realized) it would bring them. But then I also found myself agreeing just as adamantly with those who explained their reasons why they couldn’t imagine themselves parenting, yet, or ever.

And this is the exact spot where I just lost most of you. “Never parenting?” you ask appalled “But how could you say such a thing?” Those who know me personally are shaking their heads in disbelief, after all, I’d make such a good mother, and I’m so great around kids. Those who don’t are just thinking, “Oh, she’s one of THOSE women”.

Now let me be clear, I have NO idea, if I will or will not ever have a child. I’m ambivalent remember? BUT, the thought has crossed my mind on several occasions, that I may always just be the “cool auntie” and never the “mommy”. There are several reasons for this. Reason number 1: I’m single. But that of course isn’t the heart of the reason, the heart of it is that I thoroughly enjoy being single. I toy with the idea of love and marriage, and most often return to the “no, thanks, not for me” stance. I may be on the fence about whether I’m ready to be a mother, but I have no doubt that I am in no way, shape or form ready to be a wife. I don’t know that I EVER want to get married. I might, as I’m constantly told by the “smug marrieds” around me “just meet that guy and fall deeply in love and blah blah blah”. I might. And then I might not. I might meet that guy, and still not want the marriage, the invasion of my space, the complete handing over of my trust. I have trust issues. I work for lawyers, we do lots of divorces, I don’t think most of society takes marriage seriously enough, and therefore, I take it too seriously. BUT, I might decide one day that yep, I want to marry this man and make babies with him. It’s true, it could happen. Reason number 2: I’m selfish. Now, this one I know for a fact is a passing thing. But I’ve spent most of my life trying to please those around me, and it’s only recently that I’ve begun to focus on ME. I like it. I don’t want to share it. I don’t want to give up my sleep, I don’t want to give up my nights out sipping martinis, I don’t want to become one of those people that only talks about her babies, not because it’s annoying, but because it means I have NO OTHER LIFE but my babies. Not yet, I’m still having too much fun. Reason number 3: Pregnancy doesn’t appeal to me in any imaginable way. There is absolutely NOTHING about the condition that I find even the slightest bit tempting. I blame this mostly on my ex-co-workers for sharing more birthing information than any childless woman should EVER have to hear. And yes, I know, it’s a beautiful thing, and you feel your baby inside and you have a special bond and blah blah blah…I know all this. I’m still absolutely petrified of the whole idea of pregnancy and giving birth, and there really is nothing anybody can say that will change my mind. I am sure, however, that once I go through it myself, IF I do, that I’ll probably have to eat my words because I’ll be one of those women who loves every moment of being pregnant. I tell you what, I’ll happily eat my words, because I have a feeling I’m more likely to be the miserable pregnant person who everybody feels sorry for. Reason Number 4: I think our world SUCKS. There I said it. There is too much violence, disease, hatred, anger, depression, and just nastiness. And it’s not getting any better; in fact, daily I’m shocked by how much worse it gets. The thought of voluntarily bringing a child into this world, and then watching them have to survive in it? Not only does it sadden me deeply, it terrifies me. I am a worrier of the worst kind (thanks mom for this trait); I have constant panic attacks about the state of my family, my friends, and complete strangers. And I understand that a maternal connection to a child is intense, so I can only imagine what a basket case I will/would be as a mother. Not so sure I can handle it, and I’m not so sure it’s fair to inflict my dramatics onto a poor innocent child.

There are more reasons, but these four top the charts.

There is, however, a loophole around most of these reasons. That loophole is actually something I’ve thought about for most of my adult life. Adoption. See, I’ve always wanted to adopt. And with the exception of reason number 2 (selfish), adoption would eliminate most of my reasons. And as we discussed, the selfishness is temporary. For adoption, I actually don’t need a husband, or even a boyfriend. Reason number one –gone. And yeah, I know all about “scientific” ways to have a child without a man, but I’m not interested in those because…see reason number 3 for starters. But also because I think there are too many broken homes in this world, and I refuse to purposely bring a child into one. If a child already doesn’t have a home, well, then one parent is better than no parents, right? And let me quickly say, before I get lambasted, that I am not knocking single parenting in any way shape or form. I think single parents are amazing, and I applaud them with all my heart. I know most single parents didn’t choose this as their situation, and even if you did, you have EVERY RIGHT to make that choice. I’m just saying that for me personally, it’s the wrong choice. This also brings me back to reason number 4 above. I don’t want to bring a child into this world unless I can at least have the fantasy that I’m providing them with a daddy too, because the world is already so screwed up, so I just couldn’t do that. But adoption? Well, that child is already in this world, so if I can make it better for them, then there you have it, reason number four – GONE. And quite obviously, adoption does away with the whole pregnancy issue all together, and that’s just fabulous!

But of course loopholes come with catches. The catch is, there’s no way I can afford adoption. So there you have it, for the time being at least, no babies for me.

What I loved about this book was the realization that I am not alone in these feelings. I loved that the writers were from all walks of life, and had all made such different choices, with such unique reasons for those choices. It made it easier to see that I don’t have to have all the answers, now, or ever. And if I do end up choosing parenthood, even then, I don’t have to have all the answers. Good to know.

So the moral of the story is, that I just don’t know where I stand on parenthood, except that I know now is not the time. And that’s okay, in fact, it’s great. I have plenty of time to figure things out while I play with everyone else's kids.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Concert Review

In keeping with my new year’s resolution to LIVE life a bit more this year, I went out on a “school” night this week! Yep, I’m living dangerously folks.

My friend N had mentioned at the beginning of the year that Lifehouse would be playing at a Boston nightclub in February, and did I want to go. Not really sure who Lifehouse were, but being familiar with their one song that the radio plays INCESSANTLY “You and Me”, and actually really liking the song, I agreed. I then actually decided to make the concert ticket her birthday present, and so the plan was made. In case you don't know, this is lifehouse: http://www.lifehousemusic.com/

I used to love going to concerts. I love music, and I love live music that much more. For years, starting in highschool, all the way through the end of college, there wasn’t a summer that wasn’t populated with various concert attendances. I’ve seen everyone from New Kids on the Block (yep, I said it) to Aerosmith. One of these days I’ll have to do an entry about all the concerts I’ve been to, but that’s for another day.

Anyway, as I’ve gotten older, and funds have gotten tighter, time and money have prevented me from going to as many concerts. So, it’s always nice when a reasonably priced opportunity to see a live band presents itself.

Not wanting to be clueless at this concert, I borrowed N’s Lifehouse cds, burnt them onto the mp3 player, and studied up on the band. Turns out I really like their music. BONUS.

So, the concert was last night. After a “so not on my diet” dinner at Boston Beer Works, we headed over to Avalon for the show. The opening act, a girl by the name of Mozella, was performing when we got there. She was actually pretty good. Sounded a bit like “Nelly Furtado” but more rock then pop. Folksy. Different. If you’re curious, go here: http://www.mozellamusic.com/

This being a general admission show, we managed to work our way all the way to the front, a little off to the side of the stage. We were pretty much standing right by the velvet rope to the area where the bouncers were hanging out to keep crazy fans from...I don't know...rushing the stage or something. We wound up having a fun time just joking around with the bouncers before the show even started. Except for this one guy who was on a major power trip. He was an idiot.

Anyway, then Lifehouse came out. Huh, these guys are pretty young. I had no idea what they even looked like, so it was kind of fun to even just see them and find out what they looked like. They’re an odd bunch, the lead singer has a “Charlie from Lost” look to him, the guitarist looks like a surfer dude, the drummer is more of a punk rock, shaved head looking guy, and the bassist had that rough n’ tough look to him. But they sounded great. You know how sometimes you’ll go see a musician live, and you realize that the only reason their album sounds good is because it’s all digitally re-mastered or whatever? This wasn’t the case at all. These guys sounded better live than on the cds. The lead singer has a great voice, and they all play with passion. They take this stuff seriously, but also have fun performing it. It was a great show, and I’m really glad we went.

I also had another one of those “man, I’m getting old” moments. Actually, I had a few of them last night. There were the obvious ones, when all the teenybopper girls (the show was an all ages show) were squealing in delight, and I thought my eardrums were going to burst, the fact that my back was killing me and I just wanted to sit down for FIVE minutes, those moments. And then there was the big one. At one point Jason Wade (the lead singer), jumped off the stage, and ran over RIGHT to where we were standing. He actually stopped about two feet from me to sing for a while. I thought it was pretty cool of him to do that, but that was the extent of my excitement. The little girls around me were all going insane, hearts aflutter “Oh my God I touched him”. And I thought to myself “huh…not so much”. Actually, truth be told, I also touched him, but I didn’t mean to, but IDIOT above mentioned bouncer decided that I was obviously a threat, and in his rush to protect Mr. Wade from me, actually pushed me INTO him. It wasn’t a full on collision or anything, just a “oh, oops, okay balance is back” moment. But it was funny, because all I was thinking was “please don’t let me get trampled”. Yep, I’m getting old.

All in all it was a good show, great night, and the best part is, I’m obviously not THAT old, because even though I was out until…gasp…midnight, I had no more trouble getting up this morning than usual (which is to say, it sucked, but not any more than it always does).
Hmmm, what concert can I go to next?