The Bright Side

I’m joining MamaKat this week in her “writing prompts” post, and answering this question:

Write about how you stay positive about something that sometimes brings you down.

I’ll tell you right off the bat that it is my mission in life to be a positive person. I can’t stand debbie downers with all their “woe is me” negativity. I have ZERO patience for that kind of attitude.

Life is, without question, difficult. We are faced daily with bad news and scary trials and tribulations. So, yes, I understand how easy it is to get caught up in the negative and run with it. But, why would you choose to do so? How can that possibly be the way you choose to live your life? How can that be helpful?

I don’t get it, and I won’t do it.

Because the truth is that life is also beautiful. Full of amazing experiences, and incredible people and the most awe inspiring blessings. You just have to choose to notice them, appreciate them, and revel in them.

So, I? I choose to be positive.

But, even someone like me can have days when it just seems like it’s not worth it to bother faking that smile. There are days when yes, I too succumb to the darkness.

Fortunately for me, it never lasts for too long, because wallowing in self-pity is just exhausting, and I don’t have enough energy to be negative all the time.

And before you start thinking that this must all be because I have it easy, my life MUST be so much better than everyone else’s if I can keep this outlook on life, let me set you straight…

I mean, my life is pretty awesome (laughing here), but it is far from easy and stress free, and happy all the time. It is awesome because I have chosen to make it so, to see it that way.

For example, I am single. I am 35 years old, single, living on my own, with no kids and no prospects for a husband. In fact, I have BARELY dated in the last 10 years. BARELY.

So, take that, and realize it could go one of two ways.

I could chose the path that so many women, and quite a few of my close friends, have chosen, and be miserable. I could cry about being lonely, I could pine the hours away waiting for my Prince Charming to come along, I could make it my life’s mission to find my husband and focus ALL MY ENERGY on going through Mr. Wrong after Mr. OH SO WRONG before finally, hopefully, landing Mr. Right. And then be even more miserable when it turns out he was Mr. OH NO You Didn’t after all.

I could stay home on Friday nights, cuddling with my two cats, feeling sorry for myself about the sad state of affairs I am in.

I could feel like life is passing me by, and someone forgot to stop and pick me up along the way.

I could do that.

Or I could choose the other path. I could LIVE. I could take advantage of my lack of “partner” in life, and enjoy making all my own plans. I could enjoy having a variety of friends from all walks of life, living in all different parts of the world, and revel in my ability to hop on a plane and jet off to visit them at a moment’s notice without having to coordinate schedules with someone else.

I could spend the money I’m not spending on Valentine’s, Birthday, Christmas gifts and buy myself a nice collection of shoes, all the techy toys a tech geek girl like me could dream of, and memories to last a lifetime from all the trips I’ve taken in the last 10 years.

I could enjoy playing with my friends’ kids, and then send them home to mommy and daddy after I’ve spiked them up on sugar and loud toys. Being the coolest “auntie” of all.

I could stay home on Friday nights, cuddling with my two cats, enjoying the peace and quiet, and the liberty to wear my rattiest pjs, hair all disheveled, in the comfort of my own home, which I purchased with my own money, all by my strong independent self.

I love my life. Don’t get me wrong, I too suffer from moments of loneliness and yes, I really do want to meet Mr. Right and have that lasting, loving, wonderful relationship full of conflict and passion and reality that I do honestly believe I’m made for.

But in the meantime, I choose the “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” path…

Except, you know, when my phone rings and it just happens to be my most recent crush…then I turn into a giggly teenage girl.

What? We can’t all be perfect. ;-)

Writer’s Note: If you are new to my blog, please note that this post was written in my usual sarcastic and silly tone of voice. If you take me too seriously, well…just don’t.

Why I'm Not Doing NaNoWriMo This Year

I have participated in National Novel Writing Month every year for the last 3 years. Not only have I participated, but I’ve finished, writing 50,000 plus words in the month of November. It is no small feat, and one I am extremely proud of having accomplished. It is fun, it is stressful, it is challenging, it is CRAZY, but it is pretty great.

Today marks the beginning of yet another NaNoWriMo, and this year, after much thought and hard self-evaluation, I have opted not to participate.

I wish I could. I will miss being a part of this crazy community this year, trying to keep up with the daily word count requirements, struggling with writer’s block, commiserating and celebrating with my fellow writers…

But I simply cannot.

My top ten reasons why I’m not joining you crazy NaNoers this year:

1. The novel I started at last year’s NaNoWriMo? The one I KNOW is fabulous and sure to get me published? Yeah, I haven’t touched it since November 30, 2009.

2. The novel I started the year before that? The one I KNOW is fabulous and sure to get me published? Yeah, I haven’t touched that one either.

3. Until those two novels are complete, I REFUSE to start a new one. Nope, NOT going to do it.

4. I realize I could use NaNoWriMo and bend the rules a little, and focus on finishing one of those 2 novels instead of starting a new one, but then it wouldn’t really be “NaNoWriMo” the way it’s meant to be, would it?

5. I need a netbook, because my new laptop is really a HUGE desktop replacement and I’m not taking that with me ANYWHERE outside my house, and writing in my house never happens…and I don’t have a net book.

6. I have made a commitment to work on a youth retreat on Thanksgiving weekend, and the preparation for this retreat is ALL ENCOMPASSING this month, and requires my undivided attention.

7. As part of this youth retreat, I have committed to doing a witness talk, which needs to be written this week, taking priority over NaNoWriMo.

8. I work 40 hours a week, and unlike previous years, I’m actually busy at work now, lessening my available writing time during the day.

9. My social calendar, with church events, friend events, family events, and work events is insanely busy this month, and for once, I’m choosing my social life over holing up and writing.

10. I might actually be dating again…

And a bonus and perhaps the biggest reason:

11. I’m just not inspired this year.

So, although I won’t be officially signing up, unofficially, I am hoping to dedicate a little more time to writing each day. Maybe not a novel, maybe not even work on my two Works In Progress, but on my witness talk, on my blog posts, journaling, whatever it may be…that’s my commitment this month…to WRITE a little each day.

That’s the best I’ve got at this moment…

Have fun NaNoers!!! I’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines this year.

Writer's Workshop - #1 - Open Letter

This is my first time joining in on Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, but I'm excited, so I'm just going to jump right in.

For more information on the Writer's Workshop, click the link above but basically, Mama Kat gives us a handful of "writing prompts" to pick from, and we write, and link up on her blog on Thursdays.

This week, I chose the following prompt: Open Letter To A Celebrity

If you know me at all, you knew this was a prompt I am physically unable to resist.

I could go with the obvious this week, and write a letter to Lindsay Lohan, newly out of rehab, or Paris Hilton, quickly on her way in. Or I could write a letter to Bristol Palin, informing her of all the ways she is NOT a "Star". (In case you missed it, she's going to be on this season's "Dancing With The Stars"). Or, I could write Kat Von Dee about all the ways her new "relationship" with Jesse James is gross and not even the slightest bit surprising. Or I could write a letter to Kate Gosselin...no, no, I really really couldn't. EVER.

But I'm not going to write any of those...this week.

This week, I'm going to write my letter to Tiger Woods. Yep, I'm going there.

Dear Tiger,

Nobody, and I mean, NOBODY, has any respect left for you.

Sincerely,

Candid K

And You Call Yourself A Writer

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, then you’ve learned a few things about me.

1. I love shoes;

2. I think I’m funny and witty…sometimes, I am…not always;

3. I don’t blog nearly enough or with any kind of consistency;

4. I am a person of deep faith;

5. I try my best at being healthy and staying in shape;

6. I love my family;

7. I consider myself a writer.

It is this last one that I want to focus on right now. Because, as a writer, there is one basic thing I need to do…WRITE. And I find myself going long periods of time without doing any writing at all.

Why is that? How is it that something as essential to my character as writing, something I have been doing my entire life, that gives me purpose and brings me great joy, can be placed on the back burner for months at a time?

Life is hectic, things get in the way, the Muse goes into hiding, I get writer’s block. Excuses.

Truth is, they are all valid excuses, but they don’t change the basic truth, and that is, I am a writer, and therefore, I need to make time to write.

So, when the other day on Twitter my friend @districtbelle sent out a Tweet about the “Write Fifteen Minutes A Day” Challenge (#WFMAD), I knew I’d have to join her.

The challenge is the brain child of Laurie Halse Anderson, and you can learn more about it at her blog Mad Woman In The Forest, and also here at Sterling Editing.

Laurie is posting daily writing prompts in August and inspirational and motivational posts to help get writers…well…writing.

I may or may not use some of her prompts throughout the month. What I WILL do is write for at least 15 minutes a day, every day, starting today.

For the most part, I plan to use that time to work on my “Work In Progress” NaNoWriMo novel. After all, I am THISCLOSE to the end of my first draft, and I would really like to be able to say I completed it before the next NaNoWriMo in November.

But on days where the inspiration isn’t there to work on that particular story, maybe I will use her prompts. Or maybe I will write a blog post. And maybe I will use her prompts to actually come up with blog posts, because lately? Even that has been blocked for me.

Either way, I’m excited about joining this challenge, and already, I’ve written my first non-popinjay blog post in weeks…I’d say that’s a good start.

What about you? Will you join me?

On Writing...or Not...

Maybe I take it too seriously? Maybe I don’t take it seriously enough? Maybe I spend too much time thinking about it, and not nearly enough time just doing it? Maybe I just suck at it, or maybe I just think I do, and it prevents me from just letting it happen? Or maybe, I think I’m too good at it, and therefore, am unsatisfied to produce less than stellar results, which in turn, prevents me from doing it at all?

Whatever the case may be…lately, I’m just not writing very much at all.

And I miss it.

I will sit at the computer, staring at that damned blinking cursor and think to myself “there MUST be something I have to say, anything…” but nothing happens, my fingers don’t move across the keyboard, the words won’t form in my imagination, my mind, just as the screen, is blank, but for that damn nagging cursor…

It’s as if it taunts me with each flash: “you can do it,” “no, you can’t” “yes you can” “No you can’t”…

And eventually, it wins, I quit. Look away, ashamed to find no words on the screen, no ideas in my mind, nothing to show for my attempts.

If a writer runs out of words, can she still call herself a writer?

The yearning to create, the desire to string words together into a thought that makes sense, is ever present, ever strong.

In the back of my mind, the ideas swirl, tease, lap at the edges of my subconscious like waves at the shore, ever rising, but ebbing away just before I can get my toes wet…

Now and again, I catch a tiny splash of water, and I think, finally, I'll quench my thirst…but just as quickly, as if struck by a forceful ray of sunshine, the thought evaporates, leaving me parched, and wondering just where it was I was headed…lost in a desert, grasping at the mirage.

It was just there, a moment ago, that great idea that would change it all, the plot point I’ve been needing to turn it all around. I saw it, I held it, I let it get away once again.

When the muse has packed his bags and left you, can you ever coax him back into your arms?

I hear his laughter, and am unsure if he’s laughing with me, or simply at me, at my inability to make peace with him. I whisper sweet nothings in his ear, make promises of delivering dreams beyond his wildest imagination, if only he would stick around for a time, help me stay focused for a while…

But he laughs, he scolds, he shakes his head and walks away…”You’re not ready” he says “you can’t handle this relationship right now, you need time, we need space”.

“But I miss you,” I counter “I miss our talks, I miss our moments sitting together, saying nothing, but saying it all, I miss your hand on my shoulder as I sit hunched over the keyboard, letting the words flow, encouraging me, cheering me on…”

“You’re simply too distracted” he says “give it time, I’ll be back when the time is right”…

I want to cry out after him, I want to beg him to stay, but perhaps he’s right…perhaps this is one of those occasion they speak of, “If you love him, let him go, if it is meant to be, he’ll come back to you”…

Oh Muse, how I pray it is…I don’t know that I can survive without you, without your caress, encouragement, without the sweet release of words on paper…how I ache for that sensation…

Maybe I’m too needy, maybe I’m not attentive enough. Maybe I’m too desperate, maybe I’m careless…maybe just maybe I’m beginning to break through the wall.

Whatever it may be…I feel the stirring of a writer within me once again…slowly beginning to rise from the deep slumber…

Ode to Grandma O

As I mentioned in my last post, the group of female bloggers I belong to SheWhoBlogs is celebrating our 3rd Anniversary, and with this celebration come a few contests. One of the contests is a writing contest where we are asked to blog about a woman who has inspired us. You can find out more about the contest here.

I knew right away who I would write about, because I’ve actually been wanting to write this post for quite some time. But this is not an easy post to write. Mostly because by the end, I’m pretty certain tears will be involved.

In fact, I’m pretty certain there are already tears in my eyes…yes, yes, there they are. Right on cue.

Taking a deep breath. Okay.

Please meet my Grandma O.

That’s her in the pink, sitting next to my mom, and yes, that is little old me all cuddled up in her lap. I couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 in this photo. (P.S., the dude with the mustache? Totally my dad!)

Grandma O was my mother’s mom.

Both of my grandmothers played a major role in my life growing up, and I almost feel wrong writing about one without mentioning the other, but I will save Grandma A’s story for another day.

When I was very young, Grandma O and her husband moved to the United States, leaving their families behind in Portugal, so they could try to settle down and start a better life for themselves, and so they could one day bring those same families over here, to provide that better life for them as well.

I don’t really have any memories of my maternal grandparents from when I was a young kid, except for the occasional letters and gifts they would send to us in Portugal.

When I was 10 years old, however, they were finally able to bring us over to the U.S. and it was then that I would truly meet and get to know Grandma O.

Grandma O was a teacher in her youth, and she was the only college educated adult in my family at that time. I was also a bit of a braniac child, loving to read and learn and discuss matters of the world at large, so it’s no wonder that Grandma O and I would form a special bond.

I have such fond memories of spending hours discussing books, and culture, and so many other topics with her. We would never run out of things to talk about, and I marveled at her worldliness, and wanted to know everything she knew.

Grandma O was also the most stylish lady you will ever meet. In her small 5 foot frame, with her tiny size 5 feet, she was always put together so perfectly. With her adorable dresses, dainty shoes, and always matching jewelry. There is no doubt my mother (an equally stylish lady) got all her style savvy from Grandma O, and I, in turn, inherited it from both of them.

Grandma O also loved Hollywood. She loved television, and she loved celebrities. It was with her that I would discuss the latest celebrity gossip. She subscribed to People Magazine, and would save each issue after reading it for me, so I could then devour it, and we could discuss the particulars. To this day, I cannot ever see an issue of People Magazine and not think of her.

Oh there are those tears again, someone hand me a tissue…

In the United States Grandma O worked on a production line at a computer company. Her teacher’s certificate from Portugal held no value in this country. But she was a hard worker, and on top of her job, she volunteered teaching Portuguese at the local parish to children.

She was a sweet woman, full of love, and life and vigor, but she was no pushover. My grandfather is a difficult man. I love him to death, and am eternally grateful for his presence in my life, my only living grandparent. But he is a difficult man. Grandma O, however, took no crap from him. She was the type of woman who let him think he ran the household, but everyone (including grandpa) knew she was the boss.

Everything changed when she got sick. My grandmother battled cancer for over 6 years. In that time period, I was in my early 20’s in college, I watched her suffer tremendously, with grace and dignity. I watched her change from the lively, intelligent, strong woman I knew and loved, into a diminutive, subdued victim of that horrible disease.

I would go over to her house every single day to spend a little time with her. Every day. I knew I needed to soak in every moment I could, bundle together all the memories possible, gather as much knowledge and history as was available from her.

My grandmother inspired me in so many ways, I couldn’t even begin to tell you. But one particular lesson she taught me, I hold near and dear and has shaped the person I am, the way I live my life, every single day.

Toward the end of her struggle, I had a conversation with her in which she said to me, very intensely “Do not wait to live your life. Your grandfather and I saved all this money so we could enjoy ourselves after retirement, we waited, and now I won’t be around, we’ll never get that chance. Do NOT wait. Live your life now”.

So I do. In honor of my Grandma O, I treasure every second of every day. I waste nothing in this life, no moment goes by unnoticed. I live life by my own rules, and I don’t always (if ever) follow status quo, but I always follow my grandmother's advice: I LIVE EVERYDAY.

I miss her dearly. I miss our talks, and I’m saddened that I have been unable to sit and share with her my many adventures since she’s left us. She would have LOVED to hear all the details. And I believe she would be proud that I am living my life the way she inspired me to.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go re-apply my eye make-up. ;-)

NaNoWriMo - Half-Way There

This weekend marked the Half-way point for NaNoWriMo. At this point, if you haven’t already quit, you’ve probably threatened to do so at least a handful of times. I know I have. I’ve threatened to not only quit, but delete my entire manuscript and forget it ever existed.

Never mind this is a story that I’ve been carrying in my brain for the better part of the last 10 years. There is no “deleting” this story, it has haunted me, creeping up in the most unexpected ways, at the most inappropriate times. My two main characters are like old friends who live far away, but stop by for a visit every few years.

I miss them when they are not here, but when they are here, they tend to overstay their welcome, and drive me crazy.

But I love them dearly, and would never even dream of telling them to leave before they are ready to go. And when they do decide they’ve had enough…I miss them immediately after they’ve gone.

Their story, however, has evolved over the years. And as I tackle this new version of it with NaNoWriMo I find myself completely unsure of where it is going, and what they are trying to tell me.

One thing is for certain however, they are still completely and utterly in love with each other, and I am in turn, still madly and deeply in love with them and the driving force behind this story I must tell.

And that is all I know. I cannot tell you what genre my book will end up being, for I do not know. True, it is a love story, but it is something else as well, and they are just know, at the half way point, beginning to let me in on their secret.

So, you ask me, what is your book about exactly, and I laugh. Don’t ask me, ask them…but don’t expect an answer, for they will only tell you when they are good and ready.

And I? I’ll just keep writing away, reaching for the 50 thousand words, and beyond, and hoping they’ll trust me enough somewhere along the journey to clue me in to the destination.

And then, I’ll tell you all their secrets, I promise.

Here we NaNoWriMo Again...

For those unfamiliar with it, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month, also known as November, also known as a bunch of crazy people sign up to write 50,000 words in one month and then pull their hair out of their head trying to make their daily and weekly word counts, but if it all goes well, at the end of it, they have a novel. Or the beginning of a novel. Or something like that.

Right.

So, NaNoWriMo.

It’s a pretty lofty goal for just about anyone. 50,000 words in a month average out to a little over 1600 words per day. That may not sound like a lot, but look at it this way, this post? 560words. Yeah…1,600 words is a lot. Especially because writing a novel requires a story, characters, and it requires you to be able to keep that story going…writer’s block has a tendency to set in when you’re facing a deadline. At least it does for me. Add to that the fact that I work a 9-5 job, and have about 18 million other commitments coming up for the month of November and…well, yes, I’m absolutely insane for signing up for NaNoWriMo.

And yet, the challenge adds to it an element of urgency which forces me to focus and actually sit down and write daily. I’ve done it for at least two years now, completing the 50,000 word goal last year for the first time.

Truth be told, the novel I began last year has sat pretty much untouched since December 1^st, but I have high aspirations of returning to it one day.

In the meantime, this year, I decided to bend the rules a WEEE little bit and pick up my eternal work in progress. The novel I began writing well over a decade ago and have yet to finish. Technically, this is a no-no for NaNo, as you are supposed to start from scratch. However, I believe the true spirit of NaNo is to get writers to WRITE, and the rest of the rules are more like “suggestions” for me.

Also, I really love the characters in that novel, and they have been begging me to finish their story for ages. I feel now is the time to do so. And, in all fairness to the rest of the NaNoWriMo participants, it is “almost” as if I’m writing a brand new novel, because, you see…besides the fact that I love my two main characters, and have previously rewritten the prologue to the novel…I’ve scrapped pretty much the entirety of the remainder of it. I decided that as much as I love the character, I hated the existing story. In the last decade of so, I have grown, I have changed, and so have they.

They have matured, they have formed new attitudes and created new lives for themselves, and the old story line just wasn’t working anymore. So I tossed it.

I can’t even tell you where this one is going, because I haven’t the slightest idea. I just know that my two characters, who I have loved and known for over a decade now, have a story to tell, and I am merely the medium. I’ll type the words, but they’ll be guiding them.

I can’t wait to see what they have to show me.

So off we go then...

Only The Good Friday - Goals

It’s Friday, which means it’s time for Only The Good Friday. However, the creator of Only The Good Friday’s, my buddy Shelly over at This Eclectic Life has decided to change the rules a little bit. Don’t worry, we’re still going to be spreading the GOOD, it just won’t be limited to Fridays anymore. Even better, more days to do good. How can you not like that?

For this week, however, I’ll stick to Friday. I haven’t posted my OTGF posts every week, but then, I haven’t posted all that regularly in the last several months either, but I have enjoyed being able to have a day when I just focus on GOOD things.

Some Fridays I’ve tried to help you find good deals, other Fridays I’ve shared with you websites or people who do amazing good in the world, and then on other Fridays I’ve just shared little tidbits and goodies that are going on in my life.

Whatever the content of the post, the meaning behind it is the important part…focusing on good things.

So, today, I’m going to talk about goals and plans. That’s good right?

I’ll start with a decision I made this week. I call myself a writer because…well, because I write. A lot. All the time. Constantly, in fact. I can’t seem to make it through the day without writing something. This blog for a long time served as a great means of that expression, and I’m grateful for the outlet if gave me for my writing. Lately life has gotten hectic, so I’ve found myself having less time or energy for blogging, and for writing in general. But still, I find moments, and I continue to write. And regardless of how many people may or may not be reading my blog (trust me, there are days I’m pretty sure I have an audience of none), or how sporadically I post, I’m pretty sure I’ll never shut down this blog.

But blogging came last. My first love in writing was poetry, followed by short stories, and eventually, the numerous “works in progress”, the novels that would one day be. I have boxes upon boxes of material stored away. And promises upon promises of “maybe one day…”

Well, I’ve decided that this is the day. I need to get focused, and finish SOMETHING. So, this weekend I will dig out my original novel, my first, my work in progress that is closest to completion. I started writing that novel over 10 years ago. Throughout the years I have picked it up, messed with it, and put it away again for a later date. In the meantime I have started other stories, created other works in progress, met other characters, told other tales.

I have not been able to finish a single project, however.

And I think this is because the characters from that first novel won’t let me. They are waiting, each year more impatiently for their story to be told. They want me back.

So they win. Starting next week I’m going back into that world. I am determined to finish the story I started all those years ago. With my busy schedule I am starting slow. I am telling myself I will schedule 3 hours per week for solid writing/research/development of this book. It’s not a lot, but it’s more than I’ve given my craft for years. And I need to do it. So, I’m going to try to spend one night outside the house somewhere with my laptop where I can write uninterrupted.

And can I tell you, I’m so excited at the prospect of becoming a writer once again. Focused, goal oriented, creative. I’m ready.

So, that’s my good. I’m pretty sure that with my crazy hectic life, everything else I have planned (to blog more regularly, to get my photographs organized, to..blahblahblah) is going to continue to be a challenge, but I’m going to write.

Check in with me next week, I’ll let you know how the progress is going.