Now It's Time To Say Goodbye...

And here we are...we find ourselves at a cross roads...that moment between years...the last day of 2010. The end of a year, the end of a decade...a time to take stock, count blessings, reflect on what has happened and what we have learned. A time to say goodbye and wax nostalgic...

A time to look ahead, to make plans, establish goals, set dreams. A fresh start, the beginning of a whole new year, a whole new decade, a whole new opportunity to take life, once again, by the hand and lead it where we want it to go...

In reality, it's just another night, just another day...

But we humans are a sentimental bunch, aren't we? So, for us...it is all that and so much more...so full of the chance to try again, do right the wrongs, and to push harder with those things we're proud of.

So, as we leave 2010 behind (a year, that I must admit has been so very good to me), and enter 2011 (a year, that I hope and pray will only bring me more of what I already have)...let's count our blessings, and have fun, and be safe.

Let's Not Get Stabby

There’s something you should know about me.

I’m a HUGE Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan. HUGE.

When the show was on the air, in the ages before Tivo and Dvrs, anyone who knew me, knew you didn’t call my house on Tuesday nights between 8 and 9 pm. Because that was Buffy time. And you didn’t interrupt my Buffy time.

I have watched every single episode of the show, and even stuck with the spinoff Angel to its bitter (and I do mean bitter) end.

I will be the first person to recognize a Buffy quote or a Buffy alum in another television show or movie (did you all catch Xander’s turn on Private Practice recently? WHOA, not such a cuddle-monkey in that!).

I still hold, to this day, the opinion that BTVS was one of the most witty, well written, campy television shows of all time.

And also, all this new Vampire craze? Has made me more than once wish Buffy would come out of retirement with her Mr. Pointy already.

But, we should be careful what we wish for. Because the latest news to hit the interwebs on the vampire front is that Warner Bros. are in fact going to produce a Buffy movie reboot. And really, with the surge of vampire popularity, this was to be expected, no?

However, this movie reboot does not include series creator Joss Whedon (WHAT? Sacrilige!) or any of the shows actors, writers, producers, costume designers…okay, maybe I’m getting carried away.

The point is, this “reboot” won’t have any of the original Buffyverse inhabitants in it.

And a Buffyverse without Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Buffy? Is simply not a Buffyverse at all.

Before anyone goes all “Well SMG wasn’t the original Buffy anyway”, yes, I realize Kristy Swanson originated the role in the movie with (gasp) Luke Perry by her side…

but, SMG carried (beautifully) the stake for 8 great seasons and I’m just not sure I can see anyone else in that role.

And who could ever replace Nicholas Brendon as the loveable and bumbly Xander? Or Allison Hannigan as geeky yet powerful witchy Willow? Rupert Giles? Angel? Cordelia? And PLEASE tell me they’re not going to try and replace James Marster’s Spike, because that CANNOT be done.

And yet…and yet…as much as I believe it is just WRONG to take the Buffy out of the Buffyverse…I can’t help but wish for a well done, well casted, well written movie. Because as a true Buffy fan, a poorly written, poorly acted movie would be a stain on an empire that deserves better.

SO I find myself torn, wanting to banish this so called movie from it’s existence before it even gets made, or wanting to cheer on those involved to make it the best Buffy movie ever…because NOBODY wants a “Grease 2” on their hands here…

Raw

I’ve been doing a whole lot of inner soul searching lately.

I’m going through something of a transformation if you will. Digging deep, opening up doors that have been locked for many many years. Stripping off the layers of self-preservation, removing the masks, stepping out from behind the walls I’ve built up.

Like a snake shedding its skin, this is a necessary step for growth. But in the meantime, I’m left raw, naked, vulnerable, and hurting.

There are emotions I haven’t allowed myself to feel for a very long time. Some, perhaps, never at all.

I catch myself having moments of despair. Panic attacks. I am alone, I am scared, I am unsure and lost.

And then it passes, and I see the beauty of the situation. In allowing myself to open up, I begin to see all the promise of tomorrow. God has a plan for me, and for so very long I’ve fought him on it, keeping myself closed off and refusing to participate in this life he’s given me.

But now, in the midst of the pain, the struggle, the heartache, I see possibility, renewal, life.

I’m quite certain the tears are not done being shed, my heart will ache still, and I will have days when crawling back into the cocoon will feel like such a better alternative.

But I want to be a butterfly…I’ve got to bravely face the world, vulnerability and all…it’s the only way to fly.

So Many Questions...

Driving past a funeral home today, i saw they have this fancy electronic LED sign with a scrolling message.

So many questions from that observation alone...what? A funeral home? Why? Really? Huh?

But wait there's more.

What caught my attention was not the sign, not even the message on the sign...which again, was mind boggling on its own:

"Flexable people don't get bent out of shape"

What? On a funeral home's sign? Really? But why?

But what caught my eye, as i'm sure it's already caught yours as well, was the flagrant, big as day, in bright shining LED billboard letters, spelling mistake.

Flexable.

Not flexible.

Indeed...

Seriously? When a shirt isn't just a shirt.

I don't watch commercials on television very often anymore, not since I got my Tivo box years ago. But now and again, I will. Usually, when I am in the middle of doing something else, often times in another room, so I mostly "hear" the commercial a handful of times before I actually see it.

I've "heard" the following commercial quite a few times in the last couple of weeks, and every time, I thought "well, that just doesn't sound right to me".

Today, for the first time, I actually saw the ad. What ad? This ad:

Nope, that just doesn't seem quite right, does it? What message is being put out there? That it's okay for a mom to "borrow" her daughter's shirt without telling her, lie to her when she asks you about it, go behind her back to continue hiding the fact that you wore it, and then act like it's HER FAULT she couldn't find the shirt in the first place?

I'm not a mom, but somehow, I don't think this is the lesson I want to teach MY KIDS whenever/if ever I do have them.

Not to mention the mom's "you know that's not my style" comment. Meaning what? That mom has this whole other personality, out with her friends, partying, drinking, in leather pants, that she hides from her daughter (and perhaps the rest of her family) as she sits at home in a grandma sweater with no make-up on?

Saying that what? A woman can't be both a good mom, and have fun with her friends, wear makeup and look good?

I don't know...I suppose whoever came up with this concept was going for some sort of sitcom humor, but...sitcom humor doesn't work in 30 second spots, and it sure as hell doesn't seem like the sort of thing that would inspire me to buy a product...

Why in the World Am I defending John Mayer?

Parental Discretion Advised, there is some (not a lot, I promise) strong language in this post.

So, I'm a bit of a celebrity nut. It's not a big secret, I'll admit it openly that I am certainly fascinated by celebrity and pop culture. It is a world I would NOT EVER want to be a part of, but thoroughly enjoy reading and hearing about.

In short, it entertains me, and I'm all about being entertained.

That being said, because I love to learn about the personalities behind the actors, musician and others in the industry, there have certainly been times when a celebrity's behavior has completely turned me off their work (ahem, Kanye West anyone?)

There have also been times, especially now in the age of Twitter, when the personality of someone has actually turned me onto their work.

One such celebrity is John Mayer.

I've always liked every John Mayer song I've heard on the radio, but I had bought into the media casting him as "a cad and a douchebag" (the media's words, not mine).

So, I'd always been a little bit turned off his music.

And then, I saw one of his tweets retweeted by someone else, and it absolutely cracked me up so I started following him. What I learned then is that he is witty, sarcastic, self-deprecating, and not at all the way the media portrays him.

The thing is, he very much has a sense of humor that reminds me of my ex, Cognac (click here if you're curious about that particular bit of my history, but not until you finish this post, ok?)

See, Cognac had a lethally sarcastic sense of humor. He had a way of saying things that were biting, and hilarious, but went over most people's heads. If taken at face value, out of context, or at all seriously, he came across as a bit of an a$$hole. I have vivid memories of smacking him in the arm and saying "shut up, they'll take you seriously" oh, so many times.

John Mayer strikes me that way.

So, today, when the world was all a-twitter about his supposedly racist remarks, and his incendiary comments about Jessica Simpson, I was intrigued, and a little amused. I tweeted something to the effect of: " I believe John Mayer is laughing it up that everyone is taking him so seriously".

But like everyone else, I hadn't yet read the full Playboy interview which sparked all the controversy, so I was reserving full judgment until I did.

Well, I just did. And if you have not, I hope you will. Here's a link, but keep in mind, this is an interview for Playboy magazine, so the language, and subject matter is not rated G: John Mayer Interview.

Here's what I have to say: First of all, people really LOVE to get all worked up about every little thing, don't they?

Secondly, yes, John Mayer made a huge mistake using the N word in that interview. By no means do I believe him to be racist or that his remarks were racist, but that word? I don't believe it should ever be uttered. By anyone. At any time. White or black.

John addressed his decision to use that word in his twitter stream today: Re: using the 'N word' in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it's such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it,because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

Regarding his comments about dating black women and his racist genitals...that was just an idiotic comment but again, not racist...if you really dissect it and look at it, the complete opposite of that.

And then there are the comments he made about Jessica Simpson. He said she was "crack cocaine" to him, and that she was sexual napalm. Okay, so perhaps (not perhaps, definitely) it was inappropriate for him to talk about their private sexual life in an interview (even if it was a playboy interview), but you know what? I don't know that I'd be offended if someone said I was sexual napalm, and as addictive as crack cocaine...offended that he was publicly laying out there, yes, but...come on, he just said the intellectual equivalent of "that girl is the bomb".

Read the rest of the interview, which is LENGTHY and you'll see he addresses his insecurities, his "douchebaggery", his immaturity, his love for Jen Aniston, and so many other things.

Taken out of context, yes, those comments can be seen as ignorant, rude, inappropriate, and all kinds of incendiary. But in the content of the full article, he made some dumb statements, he spoke out of turn about some of his sexual conquests, but man, did the media pick apart an interview and ignore 90% of it to focus on just a few words.

It's been said that John Mayer is the most hated celebrity in Hollywood. I'm not sure how true that is, but he is certainly the one everyone loves to hate.

I'm not entirely sure why this particular issue spoke to me so much, and why I felt I had to defend John Mayer. He certainly doesn't need my stepping up to protect him. I'm a fan of his music, I think he's super talented, but he's not even one of my celebrity crushes. I am not one of those girls who goes gaga over celebrities (Donnie Wahlberg excluded, of course).

But I am also not a fan of witch hunts. And I hate ignorance. And I despise when folks all jump on the lets hate someone bandwagon without knowing all the facts.

I don't know John Mayer personally. I have no idea if deep down he is a good guy, or a complete a$$hole.

But I read the interview. And I don't think he deserved the beat down he got for it.

Agree? Disagree? Let me know, I'd love to hear your thoughts, and am certainly willing to consider your viewpoint.

Not Always Bliss

Warning, I am about to step on my soap box...

The other morning, as I was perusing the FaceBook Statuses of my "friends" I came across this status:

shame on you America: the only country where they have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment - yet they have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations,and I have to get asked to donate $ every where I go but yet we...can't keep our own country right!! 99% of people won't have balls to copy and report this!

I can't even begin to tell you how much this particular post annoyed, angered and offended me.

I'm not close enough with this particular "friend" to engage in an all out "you are ignorant because" discussion on facebook, so I let it pass. And yet, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Later that day I went back to visit this particular individual's page, so i could copy his status message for this post, and I happened to read some of the comments to his post. I was even more astounded and angered by the ignorance, and outright ugliness of some of his commenters.

It is amazing to me that in light of such a tragedy, with over 100,000 people having lost their lives, people can be so callous, so insensitive, so selfish.

Let me make something clear, I am WELL aware of how messed up our country is. I realize we are in the middle of an economic crisis the likes of which this country has not seen in an extremely long time (if ever). I realize there are thousands upon thousands of Americans without jobs, without health care, and even, yes, without homes.

I realize that something has to be done.

Don't think that when I heard that the Hope For Haiti Telethon raised over $60 million dollars, I thought "wow, imagine if we could pool our resources to raise that kind of money for this country, for our economy". Because, really, how amazing would that be?

But never, not for a minute, did I think that it was WRONG for us to be raising money for another nation. For a nation so much more in need. So much more in pain.

Let's be honest, yes, there is poverty in this country, and I know there are areas in this country where the poverty is far beyond anything I can begin to imagine in my "world". That being said, even in the worst areas, we have an infrastructure, we have programs, we have aid. I realize people slip through the cracks, I realize that much more needs to be done, but we have HOPE.

WE DO help our own country. I don't know about you, and I certainly don't know about the individuals posting on that particular facebook status, but I donate to charity, to American charities, whenever I can. I give goods, food, clothing, jackets, and money, whenever the need arises, whenever I get an urge to do something for someone else.

And there are so many wonderful organizations and programs you can join to help out. So many charities out there, reaching out to those less fortunate in this country.

Even in our toughest economic times, we are a rich nation, rich in generosity, rich in resources, rich in opportunity.

Haiti, on the other hand, is not. Even in their best times, outside such a tragedy, they are a nation with less. Less infrastructure, less opportunities, less hope.

So, we step up. WE, the INDIVIDUALS, reach into our purses, our pockets, and we give. Of our OWN MONEY. Of our OWN FREE WILL. We give.

And what could possibly be so wrong in that?

This particular individual who posted that status message calls himself a Christian. As a Christian myself, I find that laughable. As Christians, how can we speak against anyone willing to help fellow humans? Regardless of what nation they live in?

There is a difference between wanting to help your own nation, and criticizing it for helping others in the midst of unspeakable tragedy.

I wonder myself how much this individual, and those who commented with such ignorance to his post, have donated to ANY charity in the last month? Year? Lifetime? I wonder how much they have done besides bitch about the state of our economy?

I wonder, but I won't lose any sleep over it...Because I know the rest of us are doing enough to cover the rest of them.

Ignorance...not always bliss, is it?

Thank You

Picture This

The scene opens on a woman, early 30’s, fit, dressed comfortably, but fashionably in a long t-shirt, hoodie and tights. Hair in a careful constructed, yet messy bun, and comfortable ballet flats on her feet.

She takes one last look around her condo. Not a flashy apartment, but a stylish yet homey place. She smiles to herself as she turns off the last light and grabs her suitcase, purse, and sunglasses.

She is off once again on an adventure, headed to the airport, for her third vacation in less than 7 months.

To herself she is thinking “Damn, I am blessed, I lead a charmed life…please God, don’t ever let me take any of this for granted”.

In that moment, she quickly assesses her life. She is single, but extremely comfortable, and at peace with that fact. She has the greatest family, and without questions some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. A good job, her own home, a new car, and other less necessary, but still highly enjoyable material possessions. She travels frequently, enjoys an active social life, and also has the opportunity to spend quality time with herself, all alone, on her comfy couch in front of the television. She has grown in her relationship with God by leaps and bounds recently, and is also a leader with the youth of her parish, a position that gives her much joy and pride.

Blessed does not even begin to cover it. Charmed seems too…superficial to truly explain it.
But life is good, no doubt, and as she sets off on this next trip, she can’t help thanking God once again for her many blessings, and praying that she always notices each and every one of them.

Life isn’t always sunny, and there are internal struggles, and stresses, and off days. She has moments of great despair, fear, and even confusion. At times, there is even great loneliness that overtakes and envelops her.

The future is uncertain for everyone, and even she, with all her blessings, wonders what lies in store. Will she fall in love ever again? Will she ever have a family like the one she is heading out to visit with? Will she grow old without a partner by her side? Will she grow old? Will some great tragedy strike and knock her on her knees? Can life possibly be this wondrous, this amazing and sustain itself?

Often times those thoughts can knock her breathless. Take away all strength and reason.

She pauses for a moment as all of this washes through her. The good and the bad. This eternal, internal battle we each face daily. To appreciate the blessings and fear the unknown. To embrace life, and yet, be prepared for it’s curveballs.

She adjusts her purse on her shoulder and smiles once again. THIS MOMENT…the only one she can, should and will concern herself with, is beautiful. The unknown will just have to wait it’s turn.

For now, life is beautiful, it’s a blessing, and she…she is grateful.

She? She is me. Thank you God.

Coming Home

I love traveling. I love the anticipation before a big trip, the packing (well, okay, maybe I don’t love the packing so much), the planning. I love getting to the airport, boarding the plane, buckling my seat belt and preparing for take-off. I love settling in for a long (or short) flight, digging into my book or magazine, turning on my mp3 player and enjoying some time away from, and high above, the “real world”. I don’t so much love the landing part, but that more to do with my ear problems and the altitude changes.

I love arriving at a new place, exploring the sights, seeing loved ones or friends. I love taking pictures, learning new things, being a guest in a place different, yet the same from home. Because although I may be on vacation, here, in this place I visit, everyone else is going about their business, work, school, errands, “life”. And as a guest in their world, you get to glimpse a bit of that life, and realize that although different, we are all so much the same.

I love traveling.

As much as I love traveling, boy do I love coming home.

No one wants a vacation to end. The end of vacation means a return to “the grind”, to work, to duties, responsibility, schedules, deadlines, to do lists. And yet, even though we mourn the end of our time away, there is a certain pleasure to knowing that soon we will be home. Back in our comfort zone, our safe haven. There is something to be said for routine, is there not?

We spend much of our time complaining about our busy schedules, our running around, our hectic lives, and yet…this is life, isn’t it? And perhaps only when we take a break from it, when we step away on a short vacation, a small trip, do we realize how much our routine, our “life” is such a vital part of who we are.

I don’t think words can do justice to the feeling, but anyone who has traveled away from home for any extended period of time can probably relate. You know the feeling, don’t you? When you put your key in your front door, walk through and drop your bags. You walk through the house, turning on lights, opening the drapes, checking phone messages, maybe feeding the pets, yes…you’ve arrived back home.

Soon enough the whirlwind of daily life will take over, but for that one moment, there is comfort there. You are home.

Nowhere like it in the world, is there?

And just like coming home, after a short unplanned absence from blogging, due mostly to a busy schedule and hectic life, I am back. Feels good.

Accountability April - And It's Over...

As accountability April comes to a close, I face facts.

The fact is I love to write, I’m always going to be a writer, throughout each and every single day, there are several events, moments, people and places that inspire me and I rush to write it all down. I will always write.

The fact is, however, that try as I might, this is probably just not the right time in my life to attempt to focus my energies on becoming a “published” writer. I work a full time job, I have an active social life, I am deeply involved with the youth of my parish and with community activity. I run my own household and am in the midst of a major purge/decluttering project. I am turning into a bit of a fitness nut, dedicating more time than I ever have before to both exercise and eating healthy. I am scatterbrained, unfocused, and have about a billion other interests which distract and intrigue me on a daily basis.

The fact is my NaNo Novel, which was the driving force behind Accountability April, sits nestled quite comfortably among other unfinished writing projects on my hard drive, with only a few thousand extra words from where it began the month. Comfortably enough that I don’t feel the desire to rouse it just yet. I visit now and again, write a few more words, but then leave it be. Resting, gaining strength for when it truly is it’s time to shine. It is not now.

The fact is I am at peace with these facts. Because although some might see it as not working hard enough toward my dreams, I see it as something else entirely. Yes, being a published author is, and always has been, a dream. And a dream that I know with enough time, attention, and dedication, is quite possible for me. But living this life I live? That is another dream all together. I said it before, just the other day, I live a charmed life, I am blessed, and I take NOTHING for granted. Therefore, the little moments, the little distractions, they are not hindering my dream, they are just a larger part of it.

The fact is that when it comes to my goals, my aspirations, I’m a bit ADD. I have always been this way, I want so many things. To do so much, to be so many different people, that I realize I will never be able to accomplish all things. It is just not possible for one person to do all I have dreams of doing. Not while working a full time job and dedicating my time to the youth and trying to have social life and…but wait…those too are things I NEED to do to feel fulfilled. See my dilemma?

The fact is, in all honesty, I’ve realized that for me, it is not ever going to be about the “end result”, it is always going to be about the journey. And this journey I’m on? Oh what a ride!

So, as Accountability April comes to a close, and I realize the NaNo Novel will sit, unfinished for now. And my home office remains a bit of a disaster area as I continue on my decluttering project, and I’m not quite THERE with any of the projects I set out to accomplish this month, I face facts.

The fact is I did not fail this month. I took accountability for my actions, and I did what I could, and in the process, I discovered other goals, other roads I needed to take on my journey. And in doing so, I live my life as only I can. All over the place, all the time, and loving every minute of it.

How did you do this month?

The World's All A-Twitter

AH, the Twitterverse. That wonderful world of 140 character snippets of another human beings’ world. Oh, how I love thee Twitter. You keep me entertained, engaged, and enthralled. You keep me informed, involved and inspired. You keep me amazed, awed and appaled. Oh Twitter, what would I do without you in my life?

For those of you who don’t know what Twitter is, (gasp), let me fill you in. You know of myspace and facebook (please tell me you do, otherwise, I’ll have to write a whole other post for you), well, you know those little “status” updates on those websites? That’s pretty much Twitter, sort of. Well, not really...

A quick and easy way to update others on what you are doing at any given moment. But Twitter is so much more than that. It is not just about telling your friends what you are eating for lunch (though we all fall guilty of doing that from time to time), it is an instant way to share those random thoughts we all have and think “I wish I could tell someone this very thought right now”. With Twitter, you can.

When I joined Twitter, before it was the IN thing to do, it was a great way to stay in touch with my bloggy friends at my new job, since I was no longer able to spend HOURS hopping from blog to blog. This way, I could still keep in touch with them, and not jeopardize my new job. I followed a few folks, and had their Tweets sent to my cell phone as text messages.

And then, as will happen with any mode of social media, my circle of friends (followers and followees) began to grow. I made new Twitter friends, met new people, and realized that I obviously needed a new cell phone, because Twittering via text message was just not going to cut it for me anymore.

Enter the Crackberry, and AH…all is well with the world.

But I digress, Twitter, for me, was a way to keep in touch with like minded folks, inform one another, entertain one another, and share little trivial tidbits throughout our day. It was, simply put, like texting your friend when the guy in front of you in line is wearing purple short shorts, or the lady in the next car over just tweezed her eyebrows at a red light.

There are many other uses for Twitter, but that’s the gist of it.

And then, suddenly, seemingly overnight, it appears that the media, and in turn, Hollywood, discovered Twitter. Celebrities started creating their own Twitter accounts with a frenzy, and just in the last two months or so, the number of celebrity Twitterers has increased ten-fold.

Now, in all fairness, it must be said that there are a few celebs that have been Twittering pretty much since it’s inception, and have been using it in much the same way the rest of us “regular” folks do. They interact freely with other Twitter users, and follow the rules of RT, Reply, follow, etc. They “get it”.

But then there’s this new influx of celebs, who seem to mainly be using Twitter as yet another method of advertising. Pimping their newest album, their next television show, their clothing line. Fair enough, plenty of Twitter users use Twitter for the same exact thing, to advertise our newest blog post, our websites, etc.

But there seems to be a whole lot of controversy about celebrities on Twitter these days. Those of us who were "#herebeforeOprah", have a sense of proprietorship over Twitter. It was "our" social media venue before THEY invaded it.

There are those who believe celebrities will destroy the true spirit of Twitter with their “races” to accrue followers (just recently Ashton Kutcher and CNN were in a race to see who could reach a million followers first).

There are others yet who have an issue with celebrities achieving such high numbers of followers, when they, in turn, only follow a handful of folks.

Some believe we shouldn’t give them that attention, and stick to following folks we can actually have conversations with.

Some accuse those who follow celebs of having an unrealistic belief that they’ll somehow befriend that celeb in real life, simply by exchanging Tweets with them.

Yet others think Celebs had to take over Twitter, because they couldn’t stand that the “average” person had a voice somewhere.

There are many other theories, controversial ideas, and complaints floating around in the Twitterverse.

It’s become an interesting phenomenon, and as someone who has always been fascinated by the celeb culture, it’s been one I’ve become somewhat engrossed in. Because I? I am one of those who will follow a celebrity, if I’m interested in them. I have a different take on this whole Celebrity Twitter thing.

See, I think it’s great fun.

Let me explain.

To me, Twitter has become the epitome of the “celebs are just like us” thought process. I won’t lie to you and tell you I don’t get star struck. Of course I do. I love celebrities. I love celebrity gossip, I love finding out about their clothes, their cars, their lifestyles. I always have. When I was younger I too wanted to be a star, my name in lights, adoring fans, the riches, the power, the fame. As I grew up I realized it is not all that fabulous, and that perhaps, I much prefer my quiet existence. But that doesn’t make it any less fascinating to me.

That being said, because I’m fascinated by them does not mean I hold them in any higher regard than I would you were I to meet either of you. I’m fascinated by people in general. If you lead an interesting life, have something interesting to share with the world, then I want to know about it, about you. This is why I blog, and why I love the blogosphere. Through it, I’ve met fascinating folks I never would have met otherwise, and you know what? To me, in the blogosphere, we’re all a little bit celebrity like, aren’t we?

So, why do I follow celebrities who don’t know me from Adam? Why follow them when they don’t reciprocate my Tweets (which, to be honest, I very seldom try to communicate directly with them) or follow me in return? Why add to their “count” when they are not doing the same for me?

Well, very much for the same reason I still read blogs of folks who probably have never stepped over here to this blog. Why I comment on blogs of folks who never comment on mine. Why I people watch strangers on the street. Because people fascinate me, and the world is full of folks with interesting things to say, and I want to hear it. Soak it all in.

I follow celebrities on Twitter who interest me. Whether it is because I grew up loving them, and like to hear how their lives have turned out, or because they genuinely have positive words to share. Or because they are hilarious and make me laugh through the day. Or because I have a giddy 13 year old living inside me who squeals every time a new Tweet pops up from my teen idol. Or because I really enjoy seeing the interaction between some of these celebs with each other, obviously I’m a bit of a voyeur.

It is, in fact, the same reason why I follow anyone else on Twitter. I like what they have to say at least 80% of the time.

If you bore me, celebrity or not, I’ll unfollow you.

If you offend me, celebrity or not, I’ll unfollow you.

If you don’t ever update your tweets, celebrity or not, I’ll eventually unfollow you.

If you are ONLY using twitter to pimp yourself, your product, your movie, your website, your album, your blog…celebrity or not, I’ll unfollow you.

However, if you have something of value to add to my day, be it educational, silly, trivial or techy, I’ll continue to follow you.

If you and I know each other and carry Twitter conversations here and there, of course I’ll continue to follow you.

But if you and I are strangers, and never actually exchange “Tweets”, as long as I like what you have to say, I’ll still follow you.

In fact, if I send you a Tweet about something you said, and you never reply to me, EVEN if you’re not a celebrity, I won’t quit following you.

I’m not so insecure that I’ll take it personally and feel ignored. I will also continue to follow you if you don’t follow me back, celebrity or not. Because I’m not on Twitter, just like I don’t blog, for the stats. I don’t check my stats, EVER. I don’t care how many followers I have, what their rank is in Twitter, or where I stand in the rankings.

There’s nothing in those numbers for me. I’m about the people, not the numbers.

So, do I think celebrities will ruin Twitter? No, I don’t. I think they are just another aspect of this fabulous little invention, and like everything else, we have the power whether or not to click that little “Follow” button. Easy as pie.

Besides, I have a direct link to Donnie Wahlberg’s personal thoughts now…how could that ever be a bad thing?

Happy Birthday To Me - But it's all about you.

I am 34 years old today. Hold on, let me let that one sink in for a moment…

wait for it…

wait for it…

DAMN…34!

Well then.

And you know what? I’m good. I’m perfectly fine with turning 34. In fact, I’m feeling pretty damn good about 34 right now.

Truth be told, I don’t feel a day over 24. Okay, fine, maybe 25. But to be honest, I feel and look better right now then I have in at least 6 years, so why should I be bummed about 34? I’m having the time of my life.

At 34 I sit before you a single, professional, intelligent, and sexy woman. I have my own home, a great job, the most amazing friends, and an incredible family. I’m in the best shape of my life, and spiritually, in a better place than I have ever been. And I might even have a new love interest (oh, more on that tomorrow).

How could I not, therefore, be thrilled about starting my 34th year on this planet? Of course I am, life is good and full of blessings.

It is those blessings I want to address in this post, because there are many, and I feel there is no better time than my birthday to acknowledge them.

So, consider this my formal thank you letter to the universe for the first 34 years of my life, as I prepare to take on the next 34 and more.

Not to sound like a rap artist at an awards ceremony, but first, to God. For all he has given me, and for the gifts, the simple pleasures, the people, the places, the moments. As I have grown in my faith this past year, my life has transformed in ways that I don’t have words to express, and for that, I am grateful beyond words.

To my family. My mother, who is and has always been, my best friend. I feel like I’m repeating myself, but there are no words to express how much I love you and appreciate you. My dad, the hardest working man I know, the sweetest, kindest man I know. We went through a lot in my adolescence, but now, as an adult, I have only admiration, respect and love for you. I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you as my daddy. Lil’ Bro, you were my favorite “toy” growing up. I loved to carry you around, and when you were older, take you places with me and show you off to my friends. In all your years on this planet, I can’t remember one single fight we ever had. We don’t always agree on everything, but we’ve always respected one another, and had this unbreakable bond. Now you are a man, and I’m proud to call you my brother.

My grandfather, who I love dearly and who has always been one of my strongest supporters, always proud of whatever I decided to take on in life, and always ALWAYS there when I really needed him.

My uncle, the Warrior, who took his time with me, but knew just when to bring me back to my faith. I’ll be eternally grateful to you for this.

My cousin M&M, girl, I love you and admire you, and appreciate you and am so glad that as adults we’ve become the best of friends, you are my rock at times, and I’m blessed to know you.

My cousin PM, not even distance could dull our friendship. We have the history, the fun times and the tough times and I love you and the rest of your crazy clan out there in Cali.

The rest of my family should not feel neglected if I didn’t mention them by name, I love them all CRAZILY.

My friends, my other family. As a single girl, with no husband, no kids, it is in my friends that I have found my family. There are so many of you I’d be here all day if I named you all individually, so I’m not going to. But I will say that collectively, and individually, you all make my life worth living. Each and every one of you (and you all know exactly who you are), bring elements to my life which help to make me a whole person. I’d be incomplete if I didn’t know you.

Which brings me to my on-line friends. Those I’ve met in person, those I have not, those I speak to daily, those I only speak to once or twice a month. The bloggers, the Twitterers, the ones on Facebook and Yahoo and who knows where else on the interwebs…I learn from you, I laugh with you, I pray with you, and sometimes I even cry with you. I carry you in my pocket (literally, in my handy dandy blackberry) each and every day, and I genuinely care about your lives, and know you care about mine. I’m glad I “know” you.

Those are the people. There are so many other blessings I am truly grateful for, but as I turn another year older, I am learning that it is definitely, without a doubt, about the people you surround yourself with. And I? I have the best in my corner.

So, this is for you, on my birthday, I want to thank you.

Happy Birthday to me…because of you.

Living the American Dream

Today is a big day for the Candid family. On this day waaay back in 1985 Candid Mama, Candid Dad, Lil’ Bro and yours truly stepped off an airplane and onto American soil for the first time ever. We arrived at our new home with a few suitcases a piece, all our worldly possessions pretty much left behind, ready to start a new life.

Grandma O and Grandpa Frank had made the same move several years before, and it was now time to bring the rest of their family over. This wouldn’t be the first time our family had started all over in a new country. In fact, we sort of have a history of doing just that. Our entire family left Portugal for Angola (that’s in Africa, in case you’re wondering) for the chance of a better life.

It was in Luanda, Angola that my mom grew up and met my dad (also a Portugal transport from youth), there they fell in love and were married. It was also in Luanda that I was born.

I’ll skip over the stories of paradise turned war zone for now, though maybe one day I’ll tell you the tales I’ve been told my whole life, but I will tell you that when I was 8 months old we once again started over. Leaving everything behind, taking practically a clandestine flight with only a few suitcases in hand, my parents fled the war torn country back to Portugal.

And that is where I lived until I was nearly 10 years old. It was with stars in my eyes, dreams of streets paved in gold and the American dream that we packed up and started all over again on the day before my 10th birthday.

I have now lived in the U.S. for 24 years. More than double the amount of time I lived in Portugal. This has been my home for my formative years. My adolescence, my teens, my twenties, and now, my 30’s. I became an American citizen at 15, and I’ll tell you right now, I am incredibly proud to call this place my home.

I’m well aware of the issues and problems we face as a nation, and I’m not blind to corruption and problems of not just our government but our society as a whole. I learned very soon after arriving here that the streets were not only not paved in gold, but having arrived here at the end of the winter, potholed and barely paved at times. I learned that you didn’t come to America and have instant wealth, success and fame. The stars in my eyes were quickly diminished to flickers which would sparkle now and then, between the flashes of reality.

But the American dream? It absolutely exists. However, you have to work for it.

I will tell you right now that there is nothing that disgusts me more than people who feel they are entitled. My parents moved here without a penny to their names, and barely speaking the language. They worked hard, they went to school, and they struggled. To this day my parents are two of the hardest working people I know. And they instilled in my brother and me the knowledge that you can absolutely have anything you want out of life, but it’s not going to be handed to you, you need to go out there and get it, work for it, struggle even in order to attain it.

They haven’t had it easy, but no matter how tough times were, we (their kids) never went without the important things. They went for their citizenship as soon as they were able to, making my brother and me citizens by default because we were still under the required age to inherit citizenship from them. They bought their first house when I was still in high school, and made it our home. They still struggle, and the American dream has seemed like a nightmare at times, I’m sure, but they love this country for the opportunities it has afforded if not them, us, their kids.

And I? I am not afraid to tell you that I took full advantage of this land of opportunity. One of the first in my family to get a college education (second only to Grandma O, who was a teacher herself), I worked hard to make the right choices for myself. I became a homeowner, by myself, at 28. Now, 6 years later, I live on my own, provide for myself, and live about as close to the American dream as you can get in this economy. I won’t lie to you, it hasn’t always been easy, and I have struggled just like anybody else to make ends meet, but it is always worth it.

The life I am able to lead, even in the tough times when I don’t know how I’m going to do it, is not one I’d be able to live back in Portugal. And I don’t ever take that for granted. The freedoms I have been granted here as a woman, a single woman at that, don’t go unnoticed. I vote every chance I get, and yes, I support our new President and believe he can set us on the right path. I am hopeful, but realistic.

I won’t get into my personal feelings about our economic crisis and everything else, because this is not that kind of post. But I will say this, as bad as it gets, Americans need to realize how much better we still have it than a lot of other nations, and that we’ve been taking it for granted for far too long, and we need to wake up and take responsibility for ourselves. Nobody is entitled to anything, and I think sometimes we forget that.

All I know is that I plan to live out my life here in the good old U.S. of A., so I have no choice but to have hope things will get better, and there is no option but to be grateful that I live here.

Yes, I’m a sappy patriot. And damn proud of it.

Happy Anniversary Candid Family!

The Single Girl's Guide to Valentine's Day

So, here it is, just a couple of days away, Valentine’s Day. The day of roses and chocolate hearts, candlelit dinners are expensive jewelry gifts. A day for lovers and romantics alike.

But you? You’re single.

Therefore, by all accounts, you should stock up on your favorite flavor of ice-cream, some sappy romance movies, a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, because you, my dear, are spending Saturday night at home, feeling sorry for yourself.

Right?

WRONG.

Because you are single, but you are not bitter, depressed, lonely, miserable and pathetic. In fact, the other 364 days out of the year, you are actually an intelligent, successful, stylish, independent FIERCE woman. A woman who walks with her head held high, proud of her accomplishment and prepared to take on the world. Single or not, dating or in between relationships, you KNOW who you are, and you love being that girl. You’ve got it all together, and if a man hasn’t come along just yet to realize what a perfect catch you are? Well, that’s just fine with you, because you know that when, and if, it is your time, you’ll get the catch of the century. And until then, you’re perfectly comfortable in your own skin, living life as it comes at you.

But, Valentine’s Day is here, and with it, the insecurities, the expectations, the disappointments. Because no matter how fiercely independent we single girls are, on Valentine’s day, everyone wants to receive roses at work.

As a bonus, this particular Valentine’s Day happens to fall on Saturday, so, if you want to go the route of ice cream and tissues, you can. You don’t need to show up to work, and you won’t even have to watch your coupled up co-workers receive flowers at their desks. The single-girl gods are smiling down upon you this year.

But, how do you survive another “lover’s holiday” as a single girl? Here are some ideas.

There is, of course, the option of just going about your day, ignoring the fact that it is Valentine’s day, not paying much attention to the hype of a Hallmark created holiday. That is an option, but let’s be honest, you’re not deaf, blind or dumb, and you are well aware what day it is.

So, let’s go ahead and embrace the day, turn Valentine’s Day into your very own cause for celebration.

Gather the troops - Round up your other single girl friends and hey, if you have them, single guy friends, single gay friends, whatever, after all, you’re all on the same boat, right? Be it one, or ten, make a date, and set only one rule: No “Woe is Me” mentality allowed this evening.

Get dressed up – Everyone knows that when you look good, you feel good. So do it up. Dress to the nines, dress to impress, dress to kill.

Have a plan – Due to the nature of the beast, restaurants, movie theatres and perhaps even bars and clubs will be crowded tonight. Plan ahead, make reservations where necessary, buy tickets in advance, be prepared. Select a movie that you can enjoy without having to share the room with a bunch of lovey dovey couples, because even those of us most secure in our singledom are bound to be affected by obvious displays of affection and romance. Choose a restaurant with more of a fun vibe, versus the candles on the table, violinist in the corner type.

Seek alternatives – Think of all the places you’d love to go on a romantic valentine’s date. Got them? Good. Now cross those off your list. Think of the places you know most husbands and boyfriends would love to take their dates but know better than to even attempt it for fear of spending a week in the doghouse. Got those? Yep, that’s exactly where you want to go. That hockey game, action flick, paintball tournament you heard about? Odds are the crowd at these places is either going to be single men, (and women), or couples who are not so much in the lovey dovey stage of their relationship, so they’ll be fun to be around, Valentine’s Day or not. Yes, I know this sounds sexist and gender role prejudiced or whatnot, but let’s be honest, it’s Valentine’s Day and even the sportiest of girls is expecting to be treated to a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant on this day if she has a man in her life.

Try something new – always wanted to try sky diving, pottery making, or snow shoeing? Always wanted to check out that new dance club, take a drive out to that weird diner, or attend that midnight showing of Buffy the Musical? Tonight’s the night. You’re breaking tradition already by not letting the holiday turn your Saturday into a “mopey” day, so add a new adventure to your list. What have you got to lose?

Have fun – this is the most important thing. No matter what it is you decide to do tonight, make it fun. After all, you passed on the option to stay home and sulk, didn’t you? So, enjoy yourself.

A few don’ts:

- Don’t wear all black and refer to the day as “Black Saturday”, it’s not going to do anybody any good.

- Don’t send yourself flowers. There’s nothing wrong with buying fresh flowers for your home, or desk, but if you do it today, you’re just going to feel pathetic when you get them with the card signed “you know who”…yes, you know who, and really, it didn’t work to make you feel better, did it?

- Don’t indulge in the ice cream/chocolate/comfort food myth. All you’ll gain from these is an extra 2 lbs you don’t need.

- Don’t hunt for a last minute date just so you can have one. It’ll put unnecessary pressure on both of you, and it’s a waste of what could otherwise be a perfectly good first date.

- Don’t hang out with that one friend, you know the one, who is going to spend the entire evening bitching and moaning about not having a boyfriend AGAIN this year. Leave her at home with the ice cream and the romantic comedies.

- Don’t, whatever you do, watch romantic comedies that evening. Honestly, why would you do that to yourself?

- Don’t hesitate to give out your number to the cute guy in front of you at the hockey game, or send a drink to that other one, watching you from across the bar. Just because you’re single this Valentine’s Day, doesn’t mean you can’t be celebrating an anniversary this time next year.

-Don’t worry, this day only comes once a year, and as much as you may think you’re going to have a miserable time, just remember one thing, it’s not any better for your coupled off friends. Or did you forget all the fights and disagreements this holiday caused your past relationships? See? You’re bound to have a better time if you just put your mind to it.

SO get to it! And then come back here and tell me how you spent your V-Day. Oh, and for those of you in relationships? I want to know how you spent your V-Day too, good, bad or ugly, I promise I won’t judge. ;-)

As far as what THIS single girl will be doing? I'm taking my own advice, I'm heading to a college hockey game with a group of single girl friends. Dinner, flirting with college boys, and just having a good ol' fashioned girl's night out. How can that NOT be a good night?

It's About Time, It's About Us

I wanted to write a deep, meaningful post today about the new president, about this wonderful feeling of hope in the nation and about how I’m looking forward to a fresh start.

I wanted to, but every time I started writing something I’d get halfway through it and realize that it just didn’t feel right.

Not because I wasn’t feeling what I was writing, but because I can’t really seem to find the words to express exactly what it is that I am feeling.

I suppose I’m suffering a bit of writer’s block on this particular subject. I suppose part of it is also the fact that this is not a political blog, and I tend to stay away from writing down my political thoughts here.

But then I realized that my feelings have nothing to do with politics and everything to do with faith.

And that I can write about.

Because it’s not about our outgoing president and how I feel about him and his outgoing administration. And it’s not about our new president, and what I think of his policies and goals for our nation. It’s not even about the fact that yes, I do enjoy the way the words “Our New President” sort of just roll off the tongue.

Politics aside, it’s about the emotions.

Let’s face it folks, regardless of what side of the fence you are standing on, our nation has taken a beating. Finger pointing aside, we’re a mess. Financially, we are a mess. Reputation wise, we are a disaster. And in terms of morale? Hopeless is fitting in more ways than one.

For a while now we (as a nation) have been dragging ourselves out of bed in the morning and going through the motions, but not really putting any of the effort and energy into changing our situations. We’re sort of like the disgruntled employee who bitches about how much he hates his job, but keeps showing up every day, never making a change. Or the abused wife who knows she needs to get out of this marriage, but just doesn’t have the courage to do it. We’re the alcoholic who knows he should probably stop drinking, but refuses to own up to that fact, or the debtor who knows she needs to stop shopping, but can’t put that pair of shoes back on the shelf.

So we keep going…miserable, unhappy, just making things worse for ourselves, and for all of those around us.

And then one day something happens, we hit rock bottom, or we meet someone who sparks something in us, or we have a sudden realization all on our own. But it happens, and we realize that it’s time. It is time to get off our butts and change our circumstances. We’re not sure how we’re going to do it, and we know it isn’t going to happen overnight. We know it’ll be a long hard road, and we’ll probably hit quite a few speed bumps along the way. We’ll probably have setbacks, and even fail here and there. It won’t be an overnight miracle. But we see it now, we see what we can be when we reach the other side, and we’re determined, we’ve got hope, we’ve got faith.

So we take that first step. Little as it may seem, and maybe not the same step everyone else would have taken, but it’s our step to take. So we do.

We put the wheels in motion for change. And that’s where it all begins, isn’t it?

That’s how I feel about this great nation today. It’s not about President Barack Obama (although, I do so enjoy being able to say those words this morning). It’s not about former President George W. Bush (I may enjoy saying those just a little bit more, quite possibly). It’s not about what one has or has not done or what the other one can or can’t do.

It’s about US, the citizens of the United States of America, and about the feeling of hope, newness, and fresh starts that are being awakened in many of us.

Politics will always be politics, politicians will always be politicians, and bureaucracy will always be “the machine”. But WE THE PEOPLE needed something to wake us out of our complacency and take responsibility for our own actions, for our country.

I have high hopes for the future of this nation, and it’s not because we have a new president, it’s because maybe now we can stop focusing on all the hatred and disgust we’ve been so quick to throw at the administration, and start taking some of the blame ourselves.

Put the responsibility on some of our own choices. We can’t change everything, but we can make a difference. YOU, individually, can change the world. Trust me, I see it happen every day, one single person can kick off a chain reaction of change that will change EVERYTHING.

That’s what President Obama represents to me this morning. Not about what he will do, but about what he has already done. Awakened millions to their individual potential.

Yes, we can.

Seriously, I need to know

So, here's the thing. When I said in this post, that I didn't really care whether or not Blue actually called me, after the random pick-up at the mall, I was being honest.

I really don't care either way. No, honestly, I don't. I'm way too busy right now anyway, and well, the thought of having to go on an actual date just yet scares the hell out of me, so, I'm good with some random pick-ups and no follow through for right now. Less stress for me, if you ask me.

Oh, right, and just in case you hadn't caught on yet, Blue never called. Even with the "three day rule" men seem to love to live by, he's let that window open and close. Truth be told, I sort of forgot all about him until my friend texted me this morning with a "any calls yet?"

Hmm...nope, not a one.

But again, I'm okay with this. As Pamela so eloquently put it in her comment to my last post, "biting fingernails worrying about Karina flirting with the next Ted Bundy... shiver shiver shiver." He could have turned out to be a real weirdo, so no huge loss for me here. Also, as Frigga said, "I love getting the random ask-out". Seriously? Good for the ego.

That being said, however, I need to know. I need to know why it is that men will do something like put themselves out there, risk the embarrassment of potential rejection, to ask for your telephone number, and then not call. Seriously??

I mean, this is not anything new, and this is probably exactly why right after giving him my number I said "I don't even care if he never calls". Because I sort of already knew odds were he would not. Because, men? They do this. And we women? We expect this. It's just part of the age old dating phenomenon, isn't it?

But still, I just don't get it. Is it really just the thrill of the conquest? And if so, wouldn't it be an even bigger thrill to follow through? No? Perhaps not.

Hey, whatever the case, I'll take the boost to my ego knowing that I am again among the troves of women out there giving out their phone numbers and never getting that phone call.

I'm already doing better than I was doing this time last year.

But really, seriously...why bother guys?

And Also - Additional Thoughts

Pretty much immediately after hitting "publish" on this post yesterday, I had a number of additional thoughts.

Then I read some of my comments, and those sparked some more thoughts.

So, I figured, what the heck, I'll keep the conversation (monologue?) going.

First off, I have made the conscious decision to stop censoring myself here at Candid Karina...hello, the name of my blog is CANDID Karina. So, no more holding back, no more censoring, if I'm thinking it, and I want to write it...it's going up on the page.

So, if that means one day I talk God, and the next I talk shoes, and the very next I talk nonsense, well...that's just me being Candid.

Also, I should clarify something, not that I feel I need to explain myself, but you know, for clarity's sake. I am perfectly at peace with the person I am today. In fact, I like being a misfit. I get real pleasure out of the fact that I, along with my unique and varied group of friends, totally don't fit the "mold" of whatever it is society has deemed a "Christian" is supposed to look like. Not that there's anything wrong with fitting that mold (whatever that mold is), but I've always sort of prided myself on my differences, and that hasn't changed.

To be truthful, I really think that it is in embracing our uniqueness that we also embrace the true spirit of what it means to be a follower of Christ. I think Jesus would have enjoyed our company and felt right at home among us.

We are welcoming, and open, and able to see past those "labels". I think those are good things, all of them.

That being said, my buddy Frigga made a good point that it is the media who puts these labels out there, and perhaps I'm buying a bit too much into those labels (she didn't say that part, I did). Maybe I'm worrying too much about what I'm "supposed" to be, and also about what I have let others tell me "Christians" are supposed to be, so I myself am guilty of putting those expectations on others. So, in a sense, I'm doing exactly what I don't want done to me. It's time I let go of all of that, and just let it be. You know?

Also, about my comment on being politically liberal and a Christian all at once, Beckie said: "Why is politically liberal and praising God all in the same breath bad? That's one I have never understood". Exactly! I completely agree, and I've never quite understood that either, and that's, I think, where a lot of my hang-ups with religion have been in the past.

I battled organized religion for years, although I had a strong spiritual core, because I couldn't reconcile my political beliefs with those I was being told I was supposed to have by the church. But again, is it not the media playing exactly off those thoughts that creates the dissent between those two sides? So, in essence, wasn't I, again, letting the media control my behavior? I'm smarter than to let that happen.

I'm pretty sure I won't find a solution to all my questions any time soon. I've no doubt that I'll continue to disagree with somethings, while still believing wholeheartedly in others. And I'm confident that I've finally found a balance for myself in this.

I am, indeed, a misfit. But that doesn't change the strength with which I am experiencing my faith.

And, I may have my moments of insecurity, or doubt, or self-consciousness about what others think of me. But don't let that fool you into thinking I can be swayed from what I think of God. And don't think for one moment that having others disagree with how I practice my faith can make me step back from continuing to do it anyway.

Because take the human element out of the equation, and I'm left with one simple truth...I believe.

The End.

Flaws and All

I’m dealing with a bit of a predicament right now. We’ll call it a split personality issue, if you will. I have always been more than one person in this 5’2” body of mine. There’s the person I am at work, and the person I am with my friends. There’s the person I am with family, and the person I am with strangers. There’s the person I am when I am all alone, and the one I am when I am with the man I love. There’s the person I am on-line and the one I am “In real life”. It’s not a conscious decision to be all these different people at these different times, and I don’t believe I’m the only one who suffers from this multiple personality disorder. It is what we do as humans, we adapt to the situation and people around us, do we not?

And overall, I don’t believe that this is actually a bad thing, as long as we stay true to our “core”. All of the people mentioned above have the basic vital things in common. I’m a good person who cares about others and never wants to purposefully (or even accidentally) hurt anyone else. I love my family and my friends, I love to write, and I love fashion, music and television. I’m independent and strong, and yet self-conscious and insecure at times. Those characteristics show through, I believe, regardless of which persona I’m exposing at any time. Because they are the true essence of who I am.

So, that is not my predicament.

My predicament is this. I am having an issue with my two VERY PERSONAL personalities which I expose to myself each day. Because lately, there’s been a merging of all the above personas into one. This is a good thing. I’m pretty much showing up the same regardless of my environment. A few tweaks here and there, but overall, what you see, is what you get, no matter who you are, it’s me. And I like that. I like that “the real me” is showing through all the facades. I’m knocking down the walls and just letting you see me as I am. Raw, unedited (or as unedited as a writer can allow herself to be), emotional and spiritual, and well materialistic. And therein lays my quandary.

Because this year I found faith in a way I’d never even known could exist for me. Somewhere along the line my faith became the center of my being. And from that, grows everything else around me. I find myself unafraid to speak it, to think it, to share it, to blog it. It is who I am after all, and if you like me for it, then fantastic, and if you don’t…well, such is life.

But there’s this other side of me. This other side is snarky, and sarcastic, and sometimes judgmental. This other side is still madly in love with shoes, and clothes and martinis and a good old fashioned nasty joke. The other side which also happens to be a misfit, not entirely fitting in the description of “the good Christian” whatever that is. This other side has just as many things to share and speak and blog about.

And so I ponder. If I write a post one day about how I saw God in group of teenagers Monday night, and the next day I tell you a tale of how I was giggling in a fitting room when I fit into a size 5 juniors skirt…will you get me? Can I be a holy roller and vain all at once? Is that possible? Is it acceptable, is it okay? Can I praise God and be politically liberal all in the same breath? Can this seemingly oxymoron that is me make sense in a black and white world?

Because it is me. In a realm of self-discovery, in my 30’s. Loving my life for the presence of God in it, but also still caught up in the daily minutia that makes me all too human.

And this duality has kept me from posting much these days. I begin to write something, and wonder if I should, I censor myself, I hold back. Whether because I think my readers might disappear if I talk God one more time, or because I think the other half will balk at my self-centeredness or my less than conservative beliefs.

So I say nothing.

But that’s not me, holding back, saying nothing. That’s not why I blog. I began blogging to share a bit of myself, if you read me then there must be something about “me” that you enjoy. So, I shouldn’t hold back, should I?

I don’t believe I should, I think I should stay true to myself, and allow myself to be who I am. Take me or leave me, but know me.

For the record, I don’t worry about what HE thinks. I’m a work in progress, but He loves me, flaws and all.



This video is easily my favorite Beyonce performance ever (I wasn't even a fan before I saw this) and this song is my current favorite song.