All The Boys - Chasing the White Rabbit

It happened again. Not for the first time in my life, I’ve been faced with one of those moments when I feel that I’m just a little late.

Or perhaps, a lot late, as the case may be.

Either way, once again, my timing is off.

And I could sit here and tell you that I know, in my heart, that it isn’t about my timing anyway, God’s timing has its own pace, and it’s not mine to question.

I could sit here and tell you that in my brain, I know this, and I know that my time too, will come.

But at this moment, I feel like I’m chasing the white rabbit down the hole screaming once again, “I’m late, I’m late, for a very important…non-date”.

See, the thing is, I keep meeting the perfect guy for me. Or so I think. And then that annoying, and grammatically incorrect Alanis Morrisette song starts playing in my head…

“It’s like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife”…Isn’t it Ironic?

No, it’s not ironic, in fact, it’s just plain cruel.

This vicious cycle of meeting “the one” only to realize he is someone else’s “one” started so long ago, I’m beginning to believe the universe hates me.

Shall we visit a few of the exhibits?

Exhibit A: and perhaps the most heartwrenching of all: The Soulmate (go on an click if you want the FULL story). To this day, I portend he was “the one”. I loved him with all I had. He too, loved me. But prior to meeting me, he’d given his heart and soul to another, and when she ripped it to shreds, he swore never to get married again. So, when I came along, fantastic as our relationship was, it stagnated. There was no moving forward with a man still stuck in the past…I was too late.

Exhibit B: A few years later, I received a visit from a male friend who had moved half way across the country many years before. We had been friends for nearly a decade, and never once had I thought of him as anything more, though I realized by then that he, perhaps, had at one point or another hoped I would. Either way, that day, as he sat in my living room, and we chatted amiably, it hit me. YES, there it is, it’s him. He’s the one. How had I not seen it before? But now I knew…now I could tell him. Almost instantly, as soon as I realized this, he turned to me and said “I have something to tell you”. Heart beats faster as I listen in anticipation… “I’m getting married” he says. Once again…I was too late.

Exhibit C: A few years ago I took a trip to meet up with a friend in Savannah. My flight down was a nightmare, started off by a mechanical issue on the plane, which would undoubtedly have made me miss my connecting flight. Along with 3 other passengers I was pulled off the flight and sent running to another airline, to board a different flight. One of these passengers was a man. A man I almost instantly clicked with. We chatted amiably as we waited for confirmation on this new flight, and in the process I discovered he was married. Moving on, I rushed to catch the flight, while he stayed behind to work out his own flight details, missing that flight. I chalked it up to just an unimportant meeting, until 2 days later, in Savannah, I ran into him on the street one night, just walking around. Again we chatted for a bit, and the chemistry between us was obvious, electric, cruel. He invited my friend and I to join him and his friend for a drink, but thinking of his wife, I declined and moved on. Annoyed with the universe…again, too late.

Exhibit D: More recently, there have been a myriad of friendships with men that have appeared in my life. All wonderful men. All men with whom there is chemistry, and friendship and…nothing more. Because each of these men, as it turns out, has already found a wife, a girlfriend, a partner. As a friend, I am happy to realize they are not for me. In fact, some of these wives, girlfriends, etc. are friends of mine as well, and as a true friend, I am glad, because I wish nothing less for my friends than what I would expect for myself. Therefore, if I feel these men contain some of the qualities I would want for myself, I can’t help but be thrilled my friends have found them. And the truth is, these guys really aren't "the one" for me, not at all...Still…I can’t help but think…if only…too late…

There are more such examples…so many, in fact, that I almost laugh now at the ridiculousness of the joke. Because it has to be a joke. Why the Universe would choose to place these men in my life, sometimes in the most unbelievable of circumstances, only to then just as quickly yank them out…can only be a cruel joke.

And again this weekend, it happened.

Attending a church event, I saw a man. A man I’d seen before, in a completely unrelated environment, with nothing but “faith” to connect the two events. No friends in common, no towns in common, really, nothing to connect the two events, but God.

I will not lie that for a moment (or several moments) I allowed my mind to get carried away, thinking “I wasn’t even sure I’d be attending this event today, and yet, here I am, and here he is…what are the odds? Could this be one of those ‘signs’ I’m learning to notice more of?”

The excitement of promise bubbled in me. Until, suddenly, I noticed his wedding band.

Go on, laugh with me…because really…what else is there to do?

All The Boys - Runaway

Well folks…I figured I owed you an update on little runner boy here at the good ol’ blog…so here goes.

Are you ready for this?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

…

Yeah…sorry, I’ve got nothing.

No, I mean, it, nothing.

The latest news was good. I was biding my time, and waiting to see how it would turn out, but it was looking good.

He was calling and texting, and we were attempting to make plans. Our schedules weren’t meshing, but the attempts were there on both sides, and the interest seemed mutual.

Then on Sunday 2 weeks ago, we chatted in the morning and discussed the Celtics game which was later that evening. He asked if I’d be watching, I said yes, he said he would too, and that I should call him.

I’m not a mind reader, but he made it sound like perhaps we could watch the game together. That was the impression I got, and the few friends I shared with felt the same way.

So, that evening when I came home, I called him before the game.

I got his voice mail.

I left a message for him to call me back.

And…

That was two weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him since.

Yep, dating sure is fun. (ahem, sarcasm)

Back to the drawing board we go then…

When Boys Had Cooties

There was a time, somewhere in my early childhood, when I thought all boys had cooties.

Or so I'm led to believe.

Because, there's a time in every little girl's life when boys have cooties, right?

Except, the thing is...I don't remember that time.

No, to be quite honest with you, I just remember ALWAYS liking boys.

I liked to chase them around, play tag and hide and seek, climb trees and ride bikes with them.

Maybe it was because I was a bit of a tomboy, but boys didn't really have cooties, they were just FUN to be with.

Then I got girlie. But even then, I liked boys. Of course, by then, I liked boys because they were cute, and silly, and they made me giggle and blush.

So, I'd like to tell you that I miss a time when I thought all boys had cooties...but, I don't remember there ever being such a time.

Which is too bad, because then I'd have a point of reference for going back to when now, as a full grown adult, heading back into the dating world in my "gulp" thirties...I really wish I could just say "boys are dumb and they have cooties" and go play barbies with the girls.

I won't bore you with the latest details of my "non-dates" with Runner Boy, because well...there isn't much to tell.

But, the truth is, all this back and forth is exciting, and exhausting, it's nerve racking and giggle inducing...dating is...FUN. And...so ANNOYING.

It would just be so much easier if boys really did have cooties.

All The Boys - Run That By Me Again?

A few weeks ago I told you about my potential “Running date”.

I’ve been asked for an update on how it all turned out, and well, my dear readers, ask and ye shall receive…

Unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot to report, but what there is to report, is good.

The “date”:

We met up on a Saturday afternoon, and greeted each other like old friends, hugs and all.

It had been 17 years since we’d last seen each other, but we picked up in conversation as if no time had passed, easy, comfortable, normal.

Our run was about an hour long, during which we covered the span of our lives in the last nearly two decades. After our run, we sat and chatted for another hour, discussing everything else under the sun.

I learned, in those two hours, that he still is the same nice guy I remembered him being back then. I learned that we have a lot in common, and a lot of the same interests in life. I learned he’s been married, and divorced, but has no kids. He is also mature, has a level head on his shoulders, and appears to be mostly “undamaged” by his past relationships. If you’ve read any of my other “All The Boys” posts, you know this is major to me, because I tend to date all the “damaged” boys.

There were moments when he’d say something and I would think to myself “wow, guys like you still exist?” Refreshing.

We talked about running together again, or more specifically, he told me that if I was running again the following Saturday, to let him know and he would definitely join me. We also talked about working out together in the winter in the gym, once the weather got too cold out for running. Once again, he suggested we do so. Plans for the future…bonus, right?

It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon, and I walked away with tentative plans for a run the following Saturday and a smile on my face.

I also walked away completely unsure if this was something with romantic potential or just “old friends catching up” and a new workout buddy.

Such as it is, in all honesty, I walked away with a crush. But I also walked away content in the knowledge that I’d reconnected with a great old friend, and would be perfectly happy if it went the way of “just a new work out buddy”. Truthfully.

This past Saturday was to be our follow up date, and we did, in fact, make plans to go run together again in the afternoon. However, about an hour before our run, he called and bailed on me.

He had a legitimate enough reason, and didn’t want me to miss my run because he was running late and unsure if he’d make it at all. Told me to go on without him, and if he could make it on time, he’d let me know. If not, he suggested perhaps running together the following day. I let him know the following day would probably not work for me, I had plans, but okay, to let me know about that afternoon or maybe we could go in the morning on Sunday.

He didn’t make it. I went running solo anyway, and had a great run.

Although disappointed, I was relieved as well, because now, officially, the ball was in his court. If he is interested, he’ll have to follow up. The stress if off me.

I figured perhaps I’d hear from him on Sunday, perhaps I’d hear from him this week, perhaps I’d never hear from him again, perhaps I’d hear from him next month. Who knew?

I’m not one to spend too much time stressing over guys, so I decided to just let it unfold however it would, and go on with my life as I have been.

He texted me Saturday night, asked me how my run was.

This was unexpected, and made me slightly giddy. Because a guy looking for “just a new workout buddy” wouldn’t text me at 11:30 on a Saturday night.

It was a short conversation, and as of right now, we still don’t have other plans, but the ball is still officially in his court, and I’m not stressing about it.

And also, I think he likes me.

Just sayin'. ;-)

The Bright Side

I’m joining MamaKat this week in her “writing prompts” post, and answering this question:

Write about how you stay positive about something that sometimes brings you down.

I’ll tell you right off the bat that it is my mission in life to be a positive person. I can’t stand debbie downers with all their “woe is me” negativity. I have ZERO patience for that kind of attitude.

Life is, without question, difficult. We are faced daily with bad news and scary trials and tribulations. So, yes, I understand how easy it is to get caught up in the negative and run with it. But, why would you choose to do so? How can that possibly be the way you choose to live your life? How can that be helpful?

I don’t get it, and I won’t do it.

Because the truth is that life is also beautiful. Full of amazing experiences, and incredible people and the most awe inspiring blessings. You just have to choose to notice them, appreciate them, and revel in them.

So, I? I choose to be positive.

But, even someone like me can have days when it just seems like it’s not worth it to bother faking that smile. There are days when yes, I too succumb to the darkness.

Fortunately for me, it never lasts for too long, because wallowing in self-pity is just exhausting, and I don’t have enough energy to be negative all the time.

And before you start thinking that this must all be because I have it easy, my life MUST be so much better than everyone else’s if I can keep this outlook on life, let me set you straight…

I mean, my life is pretty awesome (laughing here), but it is far from easy and stress free, and happy all the time. It is awesome because I have chosen to make it so, to see it that way.

For example, I am single. I am 35 years old, single, living on my own, with no kids and no prospects for a husband. In fact, I have BARELY dated in the last 10 years. BARELY.

So, take that, and realize it could go one of two ways.

I could chose the path that so many women, and quite a few of my close friends, have chosen, and be miserable. I could cry about being lonely, I could pine the hours away waiting for my Prince Charming to come along, I could make it my life’s mission to find my husband and focus ALL MY ENERGY on going through Mr. Wrong after Mr. OH SO WRONG before finally, hopefully, landing Mr. Right. And then be even more miserable when it turns out he was Mr. OH NO You Didn’t after all.

I could stay home on Friday nights, cuddling with my two cats, feeling sorry for myself about the sad state of affairs I am in.

I could feel like life is passing me by, and someone forgot to stop and pick me up along the way.

I could do that.

Or I could choose the other path. I could LIVE. I could take advantage of my lack of “partner” in life, and enjoy making all my own plans. I could enjoy having a variety of friends from all walks of life, living in all different parts of the world, and revel in my ability to hop on a plane and jet off to visit them at a moment’s notice without having to coordinate schedules with someone else.

I could spend the money I’m not spending on Valentine’s, Birthday, Christmas gifts and buy myself a nice collection of shoes, all the techy toys a tech geek girl like me could dream of, and memories to last a lifetime from all the trips I’ve taken in the last 10 years.

I could enjoy playing with my friends’ kids, and then send them home to mommy and daddy after I’ve spiked them up on sugar and loud toys. Being the coolest “auntie” of all.

I could stay home on Friday nights, cuddling with my two cats, enjoying the peace and quiet, and the liberty to wear my rattiest pjs, hair all disheveled, in the comfort of my own home, which I purchased with my own money, all by my strong independent self.

I love my life. Don’t get me wrong, I too suffer from moments of loneliness and yes, I really do want to meet Mr. Right and have that lasting, loving, wonderful relationship full of conflict and passion and reality that I do honestly believe I’m made for.

But in the meantime, I choose the “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” path…

Except, you know, when my phone rings and it just happens to be my most recent crush…then I turn into a giggly teenage girl.

What? We can’t all be perfect. ;-)

Writer’s Note: If you are new to my blog, please note that this post was written in my usual sarcastic and silly tone of voice. If you take me too seriously, well…just don’t.

All The Boys - Run Karina Run

Oh, God has the greatest sense of humor. Can you hear Him laughing from where you sit? Because I can. He’s having a jolly old time right about now, laughing at (okay, with) me.

Let me explain.

When I was in high school, I was not athletic. At all. In fact, the last time I did any sort of sports activity was when I ran track in the 4^th grade. Then puberty hit, and I was all set with sweating. I became a girlie girl. Sports were not for me. By the time high school came around, I was one of those girls in gym class who would walk laps around the gym in order to not have to participate in the volleyball game.

And running? Up until about a year ago I used to say that “I’ll run if someone is chasing me”.

I was not a jock.

Recently, as in, within the last year, I've started running. I love it, I'm addicted, but I'm still pretty much a newbie.

You need to know this, because it'll come into play later.

The other thing you need to know, if you are just tuning in is that I don't date much (ahem, at all), and haven't for a really long time. My last date was quite a while ago, and the date before that date? I don't remember.

Initially this not dating thing was a choice, a decision to work on myself, to take some time for me. And then...well, life, and being in my 30's and living in the suburbs, and not really meeting anyone outside my "circle" (and we won't discuss the disaster that dating INSIDE my circle turned into...nope, we won't).

So, yeah, I don't really date. I've wanted to get back out on the dating scene for a while now, but the pickin's? They are slim.

So, anyway, those are the things you need to know.

And now, begins the comedy portion of this post:

In high school, I met this boy. Let's call him Pretty Boy. Pretty Boy was a sweet kid and we had a “thing”. As far as high school things go, this was of the most innocent and secretive kind. He was friends with another boy I had an on again/off again thing with, and he was a little shy, so, we hung out, but it never really amounted to much of anything.

If I remember correctly, and my memories of high school are hazy, mostly because I’ve blocked a lot of that time in my life out of my memory completely, we discovered our mutual attraction far too close to graduation to really pursue it.

I never saw him again after graduation, and to be honest, I don’t think I ever thought of him again. I pretty much forgot he existed, and I’ll venture to say it was a mutual thing.

Then about a year ago, FaceBook suggested him as a friend. Surprised to recognize both his name and his face, I sent him a message asking if he remembered me. It took him so long to reply that I once again forgot he existed. When he did reply, he apologized for the late response, explaining he was never on FB, but said of course he remembered me. I’d like to tell you that at that point a conversation ensued, but…I believe I responded to that message, but never heard from him again.

As he’d said, he’s never really on FB, and, in all honesty, I once again forgot all about him.

Until this week.

Because this week, after I went running one day, and posted a status with my run stats, I heard from him.

He said “Wow, I’m proud of you, that’s a great run time, I can’t do that well just yet”. Something along those lines.

Randomly.

Out of nowhere.

Unexpected.

And, something inside me said “hmmmmm”.

So, without allowing myself time to hesitate, second guess, and chicken out, I replied to his comment, saying we should go running sometime, I’d love to catch up.

I put it out there, and I walked away.

And later that day I had a private message from him saying he’d love to go running, perhaps this weekend, giving me his number to call him.

I wrote him back, saying this weekend was good, telling him I’d call him “later this week”.

Today is later this week.

I just called him.

The conversation was short, because he was at work, but it was comfortable, easy, fun. We caught up a bit, talked about work, and then he asked "So when do you want to go running?"

We decided on Saturday afternoon.

He said he's really looking forward to catching up.

I said "This should be a lot of fun".

He had to get back to work, we hung up.

I’m out of practice with this dating thing.

I'm a little bit nervous.

I'm a lot bit excited.

I’m well aware this could be non-romantic in all aspects, I’m not pinning a whole lot of hopes on this.

I’m also aware that this has potential. I’m a little “teenage girl” giddy.

Also…God is laughing. Because I? Am going RUNNING on a potential date?

Running?

With a guy.

A guy I haven’t seen in 17 years.

Running.

Yep, God has a wicked sense of humor.

Thank God for that.

All She Wants To Do Is Dance

I’m determined to start posting more regularly on this blog, and I think in order to do that, I have to let go of some of my self-imposed expectations and allow myself to just write.

See, back in the day, when I had more time, I would write these lengthy creative posts, with pictures and links and things.

Because I no longer have the time or the energy for those, I find myself not writing at all.

And that’s just a shame.

So, I’m letting go, and I’m just going to write. I’m going back to basics and back to when I used this blog to write my random thoughts and feelings of my daily life.

Today, I’m going to tell you about last Saturday night, because it was both a fun night, and also, unfortunately, a bit of a reality check.

I went out Saturday night with my cousin M&M and her friend, who is now also my friend, who, for my own reasons, will be known as Match.

Anyway, Match and I kicked off the evening at a “not-tupperware” party. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s just as well, but for those of you who have a slight suspicion, yes, it was one of THOSE. M&M couldn’t join us, so Match and I went, and had a pretty decent time. Really, it was pretty hilarious.

After said party, we headed over to M&M’s for drinks and some munchies, before really heading out for a night of dancing and fun at a local bar/club.

Now, my days of nightclubs are far far behind me. When I was in my 20’s every weekend was a chance to spend 2 to 3 nights dancing the night away. In my heyday, there was rarely a club night that didn’t include a little drinking, a lot of dancing, and always some flirting and phone number exchange.

Out on a dance floor, I was full of confidence, knowing I CAN dance, and that confidence without fail always translated into male attention.

In those days, I knew I had IT, and IT always resulted in plenty of dates. I was never lacking for attention from the opposite sex. It was so easy then.

But things have changed. I spent the better part of my late 20’s and early 30’s in a sort of “holding pattern”. Single, content, hardly ever meeting any eligible men, never mind dating, and not exactly noticing or caring all that much about it.

Suddenly, at 35, I find myself once again wanting to date. I would love to meet a nice guy who can create a spark of chemistry between us, make me laugh, and arouse my intellect.

In the meantime, I wouldn’t mind a simple flirtation or two.

So, Saturday night, armed with the knowledge that my leaner, fitter body looked pretty hot in my skinny jeans, high heels and form fitting, but not sleazy tank top, I headed out on the dance floor. My domain. The one place I have always felt confident, and irresistible.

And I can still dance. My confidence in that aspect has never wavered. But it was all different.

I was surrounded by kids in their late teens and early 20’s. Surrounded by little girls in littler dresses, flaunting ALL their stuff with zero inhibitions, performing moves on the dance floor which should be reserved for the stripper pole.

And although I remember being wild in my heyday, I’m pretty sure I drew the line somewhere much tamer than this.

And I found myself beating back the motherly instinct to tell these girls to put some clothes on and stop acting like Jersey Shore Snookie. And I’m not even a mother.

And I realized that IT no longer belongs to me. And the truth of it all is, I’m pretty sure I no longer want IT anyway. Not if that’s the way to get IT now…

Don’t get me wrong, I had fun. The three of us danced the night away, and the people watching alone was worth the price of admission.

But I felt old and out of place, and sure I didn’t belong.

Even the adorable 29 year old boy who argued I didn’t look a day over 25 (bless his heart) couldn’t take away the feeling that as much as I love to dance, this is so no longer my scene.

And even the adorable 29 year old boy wasn’t interested in my phone number.

Because as much fun as we had flirting and joking for a few minutes, I was no competition for the barely dressed 23 year olds he was dancing with later on that evening. Nor did I want to be.

I’ve had my turn, it’s time, perhaps, to pass that torch.

And yet…a part of me grieves for that younger me, out on the dance floor, having the time of her life. Never suspecting that one day, many years later, she’d have to let go, grow up, and put away her dancing shoes.