Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Raw

I’ve been doing a whole lot of inner soul searching lately.


I’m going through something of a transformation if you will. Digging deep, opening up doors that have been locked for many many years. Stripping off the layers of self-preservation, removing the masks, stepping out from behind the walls I’ve built up.

Like a snake shedding its skin, this is a necessary step for growth. But in the meantime, I’m left raw, naked, vulnerable, and hurting.

There are emotions I haven’t allowed myself to feel for a very long time. Some, perhaps, never at all.

I catch myself having moments of despair. Panic attacks. I am alone, I am scared, I am unsure and lost.

And then it passes, and I see the beauty of the situation. In allowing myself to open up, I begin to see all the promise of tomorrow. God has a plan for me, and for so very long I’ve fought him on it, keeping myself closed off and refusing to participate in this life he’s given me.

But now, in the midst of the pain, the struggle, the heartache, I see possibility, renewal, life.

I’m quite certain the tears are not done being shed, my heart will ache still, and I will have days when crawling back into the cocoon will feel like such a better alternative.

But I want to be a butterfly…I’ve got to bravely face the world, vulnerability and all…it’s the only way to fly.

3 comments:

citygrits said...

Opening yourself up ... letting yourself feel, is such a hard thing to do. But the payoff in the end is worth it. I think it's what exposes us to the really good stuff in life. I feel similarly. Peaks and valleys, but we'll find it all in the end eventually.

Amber said...

Hey, was this the same day you were 'watering' down your coffee? ;)

Poetic and true. It's hard being vulnerable and honest. But you can be open and vulnerable with God because he's not going to let you down. =)

Karina said...

Thank you ladies. yes, it's hard, but it is worth it in the end.