Wednesday, December 08, 2010

All The Boys - Chasing the White Rabbit

It happened again. Not for the first time in my life, I’ve been faced with one of those moments when I feel that I’m just a little late.

Or perhaps, a lot late, as the case may be.

Either way, once again, my timing is off.

And I could sit here and tell you that I know, in my heart, that it isn’t about my timing anyway, God’s timing has its own pace, and it’s not mine to question.

I could sit here and tell you that in my brain, I know this, and I know that my time too, will come.

But at this moment, I feel like I’m chasing the white rabbit down the hole screaming once again, “I’m late, I’m late, for a very important…non-date”.

See, the thing is, I keep meeting the perfect guy for me. Or so I think. And then that annoying, and grammatically incorrect Alanis Morrisette song starts playing in my head…

“It’s like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife”…Isn’t it Ironic?

No, it’s not ironic, in fact, it’s just plain cruel.

This vicious cycle of meeting “the one” only to realize he is someone else’s “one” started so long ago, I’m beginning to believe the universe hates me.

Shall we visit a few of the exhibits?

Exhibit A: and perhaps the most heartwrenching of all: The Soulmate (go on an click if you want the FULL story). To this day, I portend he was “the one”. I loved him with all I had. He too, loved me. But prior to meeting me, he’d given his heart and soul to another, and when she ripped it to shreds, he swore never to get married again. So, when I came along, fantastic as our relationship was, it stagnated. There was no moving forward with a man still stuck in the past…I was too late.

Exhibit B: A few years later, I received a visit from a male friend who had moved half way across the country many years before. We had been friends for nearly a decade, and never once had I thought of him as anything more, though I realized by then that he, perhaps, had at one point or another hoped I would. Either way, that day, as he sat in my living room, and we chatted amiably, it hit me. YES, there it is, it’s him. He’s the one. How had I not seen it before? But now I knew…now I could tell him. Almost instantly, as soon as I realized this, he turned to me and said “I have something to tell you”. Heart beats faster as I listen in anticipation… “I’m getting married” he says. Once again…I was too late.

Exhibit C: A few years ago I took a trip to meet up with a friend in Savannah. My flight down was a nightmare, started off by a mechanical issue on the plane, which would undoubtedly have made me miss my connecting flight. Along with 3 other passengers I was pulled off the flight and sent running to another airline, to board a different flight. One of these passengers was a man. A man I almost instantly clicked with. We chatted amiably as we waited for confirmation on this new flight, and in the process I discovered he was married. Moving on, I rushed to catch the flight, while he stayed behind to work out his own flight details, missing that flight. I chalked it up to just an unimportant meeting, until 2 days later, in Savannah, I ran into him on the street one night, just walking around. Again we chatted for a bit, and the chemistry between us was obvious, electric, cruel. He invited my friend and I to join him and his friend for a drink, but thinking of his wife, I declined and moved on. Annoyed with the universe…again, too late.

Exhibit D: More recently, there have been a myriad of friendships with men that have appeared in my life. All wonderful men. All men with whom there is chemistry, and friendship and…nothing more. Because each of these men, as it turns out, has already found a wife, a girlfriend, a partner. As a friend, I am happy to realize they are not for me. In fact, some of these wives, girlfriends, etc. are friends of mine as well, and as a true friend, I am glad, because I wish nothing less for my friends than what I would expect for myself. Therefore, if I feel these men contain some of the qualities I would want for myself, I can’t help but be thrilled my friends have found them. And the truth is, these guys really aren't "the one" for me, not at all...Still…I can’t help but think…if only…too late…

There are more such examples…so many, in fact, that I almost laugh now at the ridiculousness of the joke. Because it has to be a joke. Why the Universe would choose to place these men in my life, sometimes in the most unbelievable of circumstances, only to then just as quickly yank them out…can only be a cruel joke.

And again this weekend, it happened.

Attending a church event, I saw a man. A man I’d seen before, in a completely unrelated environment, with nothing but “faith” to connect the two events. No friends in common, no towns in common, really, nothing to connect the two events, but God.

I will not lie that for a moment (or several moments) I allowed my mind to get carried away, thinking “I wasn’t even sure I’d be attending this event today, and yet, here I am, and here he is…what are the odds? Could this be one of those ‘signs’ I’m learning to notice more of?”

The excitement of promise bubbled in me. Until, suddenly, I noticed his wedding band.

Go on, laugh with me…because really…what else is there to do?


~michelle pendergrass said...

I feel a twinge of sad, but then (more so) the excitement of the day you find The One. :) I remember what this feels like, though. There was a time when only married men were interested in me and I hated it.

Unknown said...

Wow, you have extremely bad timing. Now I thought my husband was like your soulmate but I found as I told him that I was fine just seeing where things with and I was ok with never getting married and we lived each day happily - I was floored when he proposed - I never thought he would! I'm sending good vibes your way to find the right fellow. :)