Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Flaws and All

I’m dealing with a bit of a predicament right now. We’ll call it a split personality issue, if you will. I have always been more than one person in this 5’2” body of mine. There’s the person I am at work, and the person I am with my friends. There’s the person I am with family, and the person I am with strangers. There’s the person I am when I am all alone, and the one I am when I am with the man I love. There’s the person I am on-line and the one I am “In real life”. It’s not a conscious decision to be all these different people at these different times, and I don’t believe I’m the only one who suffers from this multiple personality disorder. It is what we do as humans, we adapt to the situation and people around us, do we not?

And overall, I don’t believe that this is actually a bad thing, as long as we stay true to our “core”. All of the people mentioned above have the basic vital things in common. I’m a good person who cares about others and never wants to purposefully (or even accidentally) hurt anyone else. I love my family and my friends, I love to write, and I love fashion, music and television. I’m independent and strong, and yet self-conscious and insecure at times. Those characteristics show through, I believe, regardless of which persona I’m exposing at any time. Because they are the true essence of who I am.

So, that is not my predicament.

My predicament is this. I am having an issue with my two VERY PERSONAL personalities which I expose to myself each day. Because lately, there’s been a merging of all the above personas into one. This is a good thing. I’m pretty much showing up the same regardless of my environment. A few tweaks here and there, but overall, what you see, is what you get, no matter who you are, it’s me. And I like that. I like that “the real me” is showing through all the facades. I’m knocking down the walls and just letting you see me as I am. Raw, unedited (or as unedited as a writer can allow herself to be), emotional and spiritual, and well materialistic. And therein lays my quandary.

Because this year I found faith in a way I’d never even known could exist for me. Somewhere along the line my faith became the center of my being. And from that, grows everything else around me. I find myself unafraid to speak it, to think it, to share it, to blog it. It is who I am after all, and if you like me for it, then fantastic, and if you don’t…well, such is life.

But there’s this other side of me. This other side is snarky, and sarcastic, and sometimes judgmental. This other side is still madly in love with shoes, and clothes and martinis and a good old fashioned nasty joke. The other side which also happens to be a misfit, not entirely fitting in the description of “the good Christian” whatever that is. This other side has just as many things to share and speak and blog about.

And so I ponder. If I write a post one day about how I saw God in group of teenagers Monday night, and the next day I tell you a tale of how I was giggling in a fitting room when I fit into a size 5 juniors skirt…will you get me? Can I be a holy roller and vain all at once? Is that possible? Is it acceptable, is it okay? Can I praise God and be politically liberal all in the same breath? Can this seemingly oxymoron that is me make sense in a black and white world?

Because it is me. In a realm of self-discovery, in my 30’s. Loving my life for the presence of God in it, but also still caught up in the daily minutia that makes me all too human.

And this duality has kept me from posting much these days. I begin to write something, and wonder if I should, I censor myself, I hold back. Whether because I think my readers might disappear if I talk God one more time, or because I think the other half will balk at my self-centeredness or my less than conservative beliefs.

So I say nothing.

But that’s not me, holding back, saying nothing. That’s not why I blog. I began blogging to share a bit of myself, if you read me then there must be something about “me” that you enjoy. So, I shouldn’t hold back, should I?

I don’t believe I should, I think I should stay true to myself, and allow myself to be who I am. Take me or leave me, but know me.

For the record, I don’t worry about what HE thinks. I’m a work in progress, but He loves me, flaws and all.

This video is easily my favorite Beyonce performance ever (I wasn't even a fan before I saw this) and this song is my current favorite song.


Pamela said...

you are in good company.

Rebecca said...

You seem excited at the prospect of finding yourself and scared that others will judge you. The media loves to put labels on Christians. They put negative labels on Christians. But you need to see past that.

What is wrong with being a Christian? How does that make you bad?

What is wrong with liking to shop? Do you feel greedy? (You aren't and you shouldn't!) If you do, you might want to look outside instead of within. It's the media's perception of who you should be that's scaring you.

That's all just my opinion. Not that I'm a Christian, or a Shop-a-holic. I just know that every person has a unique path. You seem to have found yours. Don't doubt yourself now.

Beckie said...

I think that is called being human. As long as you try to be the best person that you can be.

Why is politically liberal and praising God all in the same breath bad? That's one I have never understood.