Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Popinjay - Doubt

This is my last week guest hosting Popinjay for Michelle. She’ll be taking it back next Monday, and I just wanted to say thank you to her for trusting me (as well as some other wonderful ladies) with her meme while she needed some time away. Michelle, we’re glad you are back and ready to take it back. ;-)

That being said, I’m a little late in posting this week, because Monday holidays always throw me off my game…I forgot what day it was yesterday…oops.

So, without further ado, this week’s prompt was “Doubt”.

This was quite a tough one for me. Initially, especially after last week’s prompt of “Faith”, I thought for sure that my photograph would have to have something to do with my “doubts” in faith. I struggle with those often, after all.

But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it didn’t feel right. Yes, I have questions, and moments of struggle, but I’m not sure I can truly call them “doubts”…I don’t ever really doubt my faith.

So then, what doubts could I focus on for this post? And rest assured, my life is indeed filled with moments of doubt, uncertainty, reservation and hesitation. But what to focus on? Which to choose? And more importantly, how to capture one in a photograph?

And then, I found this photo on my phone:

This one image is such a profound expression of this week’s prompt for reasons possibly not visible to your eyes.

First of all, this is not the first, or only image of myself in a mirror which has then not been shared with anyone.

Secondly, notice the positioning of the phone, meant to cover my face.

I have struggled with my self-esteem my entire life. I have never been the type to feel beautiful, or even pretty, and I have never been photogenic, in fact, I have always hated photographs of myself. ALWAYS.

But if you know me, you also know I love fashion, clothes, shoes, accessories.

And I love to share the outfits I come up with with others. SO, that was the intent of this photo (and several others stored in my phone, but not shared). I wanted to share this outfit on Twitter.

But when I took the photo, and looked at it, I just couldn’t do it.

I was immediately filled with doubt, self-consciousness, and fear. Maybe that dress didn’t look as good on me as I thought it did when I put it on. Maybe my hair looked terrible. Maybe…maybe…maybe I shouldn’t share it after all.

They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but I believe it adds so much more than that…time to reflect, and criticize, and yes, doubt.

This is an inner struggle only I can work out for myself…but yeah…there it is…doubt.

Where do your doubts lie?


~michelle pendergrass said...

I love this post. Not because of what you said in it, but because you said it so honestly.

What you said in it? I just want to come storming in your front door and first hug you then MAKE you know how beautiful you are. (and don't argue with me)

I struggle with my weight. I look at that picture and think, oh seriously?! If I had her body I would NOT be struggling right now. Because that's one hell of a figure you've got there girlfriend!! Gorgeous! I probably weigh 100lbs more than you. But I understand that we all have issues like this. I don't know one woman who doesn't. And that makes me sad.

I hope you learn to overcome this. Because you are beautiful--inside and out.

Amy said...

You were handcrafted in love by a King. You are His begotten, a princess of his kingdom on assignment to a foreign land - surrounded by people who don't know your true identity.. Your credentials are written on your heart, and His. Your picture is in his wallet, so to speak, and He presents you with pride in his voice and a smile on his face as he shows you to the angels in his "office"... "That's my little girl... my princess. Isn't she beautiful? She has this way of saying things, of using her imagination, of matching pretty things so that they look 'just right'... You've seen MY artwork... She gets that from ME, you know?"