Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Green Eyed Monster

I’m jealous.

There, I said it.

Jealousy: feeling bitter and unhappy because of another's advantages, possessions, or luck

Or perhaps, that’s not really the right word.

Is envious better?

Envy: the resentful or unhappy feeling of wanting somebody else's success, good fortune, qualities, or possessions

I don’t know…I don’t much like that one either…

They seem so negative, I mean BITTER? UNHAPPY? RESENTFUL? I don’t really feel that way. That makes it sound as though I’m hateful and angry at others for what they have…this isn’t true.

Perhaps I should explain myself here.

This isn’t really about others, it’s about me. It has everything to do with my lack of confidence.

See, it all started with a twitpic. Or actually, a series of them.

If you are unfamiliar with what a twitpic is, it is exactly what it sounds like, it is when someone posts a picture on Twitter.

This particular series of twitpics were self portraits one of my Twitter buddies posted of themselves. Making silly expressions for the camera. They were adorable pictures, which made me smile. She is adorable, and the pictures were sweet, and fun, and they did not in any way bring up any feelings of bitterness or resentment or unhappiness in me.

But they made me think.

Because I wish I could do that. I wish I felt comfortable enough with myself to post self-portraits of myself. But I do not.

Sure, every now and again I’ll post a picture of me. And my profile pictures are also of myself.

But those are chosen carefully, examined before hand and given the “meh” stamp of approval. As in “meh, I guess I look okay enough to let the public see this one”.

But candids? Goofy self-portraits? Close-ups? Pictures taken by a webcam? NEVER THOSE.

In fact, I have never, not once, used the webcam on my laptop.

I’m far too self-conscious to do that.

And that’s where the jealousy or envy comes in. But it is not an ugly thing, it is simply that I wish to grow to a point where I can get past these insecurities.

So I’d like to call it a green-eyed baby monster, eager to grow and learn, not an evil, hiding under your bed, wanting to destroy kind of monster…

Can we go with that?


the sassy corner said...

I'm with you on this one. I was reading this and nodding the whole time. I do the same thing with my pics. I never find a photo I really love of myself. I'm very careful abt what I choose. Never the silly shots other ppl have.

E BAY :-) said...

Dearest K,
I hope so, too, because there is something very natural and raw in your words that almost everyone can relate to. So it got me thinking, why can't that very thing that draws readers to your blog manifest in pics? What have you got to lose? Now, of course, as with words, there is a line we come to ( offensive/tasteless/rude) but as far as I can see...even in your most candid of posts, you don't come close to that line. At all. And I would imagine the same for photos. You, my dear, have taste...and I bet...if you gave it a shot and posted pics of the candid you...you'd get the same kinds of praise and support you get from (reading) fans.
Forgive any poor grammar and misspellings (happens often when I type in my iPad)

See u in Twitter!

All the best,


Karina said...

Thank you ladies.

Sassy girl, yes, exactly that...maybe one day we'll both break through this.

Erin, thank you so very much for your kind and encouraging words. maybe one day I will... :D

Heide said...

This makes me think of a saying they use in AA that someone told me about: Fake it til you make it. You just ACT as if you are comfortable with something until eventually you're not acting anymore and you just ARE. Why not go on a self-portrait bender (not necessarily for sharing publicly) until you just get so used to looking at yourself that it doesn't bother you anymore? Just a thought! XOXO